I heard a song today called "Fires" by Matt Redman.
These are the lyrics:
We're standing in the desert of dry bones
But still we see Your life
Walking through the valley of shadows
But holding onto light
And we're waiting, waiting on You, God
And our hearts will trust, trust in who You are
God who keeps our fires burning
Burning through the darkest night
See the hope in our hearts
The faith in our eyes
You can move the highest mountain
You can keep our dreams alive
You're the joy of our hearts
You're the fire in our eyes
Light up our lives with holy flame
All for the honor of Your name
Give us the strength to face the day, Jesus
I have been struggling lately. I wish I could say there was only one cause or source of tension, but I can't. Suffice it to say that it's been a long few months.
Here are two big issues I'm dealing with:
1. I feel like my dream of being a worship pastor has died.
2. I can't reconcile the Biblical notion of Hell with the God that loves me.
Double whammy, eh?
If we begin with number one, you will recall that I lost my first official worship pastorette in June. I'm not dealing with it well, to say the least, even though I know it is something that happens very often, to a lot of people. It's hitting me hard because I'm really scared, and I am trying to think of any way out of ever having to do it again, if I can.
I'm scared because...
I feel like it proved I'm not good enough to be someone's pastor.
I got very close to people that I'm afraid don't even know I exist anymore.
I feel like I lost a second dad when my pastor moved away and stopped contacting me.
I made a few big decisions related to that job that I now regret (moving 30 minutes outside of town and not auditioning for PR again this year, to name the two most prominent).
I see my future as a worship pastor including the entire month of June every year (when contracts are renewed) being a source of stress, worry, and unnecessary freak-outs.
But mostly, I'm scared because of how poorly I'm coping. How can I be strong enough to shepherd others if I fall apart like this?
Now, let's move on to number two. Hell.
Sunday afternoon, I heard a line from a sermon that threw me for a loop, and I haven't been able to shake the concept from my head since.
Basically, the pastor pointed out (and backed up with Scripture) the fact that an eternity in Hell is not an eternity apart from God. God is the one "in charge" of Hell, not Satan.
That really sucks.
I really love people. I don't say that to build myself up, because there are many days that I wish I could just turn that part of me off. But I really do love people. Josh said it was probably a good thing when I decided not to be a therapist, because he wasn't sure I'd be able to handle other people's problems to that extent, because they usually affect me so personally.
I love a lot of people that don't follow Christ, including parts of my family.
So when I heard that God lords over Hell as well as Heaven, the first thought that came to mind was the immense cruelty of it. How could a God that loves us so passionately that He sent His only begotten Son to die in an abhorrent fashion so that we might live eternally be the same God that willingly sends the people I love to Hell?
I understand the issue of original sin, and that God gives us all sorts of chances, and all of the mechanics of why it works the way it does... in the present, that is.
But if God is God, why did He create that way to begin with? He could have done it any way He pleased.
Now back to the song I heard.
I feel like I'm in shadows and walking amongst dry bones. It might sound dramatic, but I have felt so hopeless lately. There is no other word to describe it.
But I look around, and I know that God must be real. I see beauty and love and light and know that He isn't just a figment of someone's imagination or an elaborate scheme to fool people.
And if God is real, then all of Him is real, even the parts I don't like or understand.
A good friend told me Sunday evening that as hard as those parts of God are to deal with, the only acceptable option is the option to respect His sovreignty, and let that passion for the lost spur you to tell everyone you can about His love, since it really is His will that none should perish.
My heart must trust in who He is, because there is no other way to keep this fire burning. I don't want to be a dying candle - I have to be a burning, unquenchable flame. There is no in between, because in between means misery for me.
A pastor said to me yesterday that it is not wrong to ask God why - He is not afraid of our questions.
I won't stop asking why, but I want to reach the point where I stop letting the why stop me from being all God wants me to be.
You have an intense way of baring all your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI was reading the parable of the pharisee and the publican the other day and it was made clear to me that each man had chosen his lifestyle. The pharisee had chosen a life of holiness and the publican a life of sin. In the pharisee's mind he had made himself all the better in God's eyes while the publican made himself terribly unworthy. On the contrary Jesus teaches us that the publican went home justified and not the pharisee.
You see, the pharisee had all the appearance of holiness and had himself chosen to live a life set apart for God but he missed one thing - his sinful nature and his need for a savior. His own righteousness blinded him of his desperate need for the merciful God. He prayed the prayer thanking God that he was not like the publican because he was truly thankful and he thought his works justified him before God.
The publican chose a life fulfilling his lusts. The blessing of this was that the emptiness of his life made it so evident to him that he was not worthy of God's love. He had seemingly failed God's holy Word in every way but he went home justified in the sight of the Lord. He saw his need for a savior for he knew that without the mercy of God he was rightfully doomed. So in the manner of a poor wretched sinner he desperately cried out for God's mercy and God without partiality lays the fullness of His mercy on him and blots out all of his sins. As far as east is from the west.
There are many ways this message has spoken to me but I relay it to you because it is awesome how Jesus displays that you are justified by your knowledge of a need for a savior. Your recognition of your shortcomings and absolute need for His saving and empowering grace is what Jesus teaches is the heart of a godly man or woman. If you stood before Him believing yourself to have figured it out and become worthy of His love by the works of your hands you would indeed be a representation of this pharisee.
In your weakness He is made strong (Hebrews 11:34
"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind." (Philippians 3:12-16)