Stronger than what I can carry.

I wrote a song yesterday.

With all the beauty of this weekend (a great photo shoot on Saturday, silhouetted by a ridiculously gorgeous sunset), my creative juices seemed to be flowing. I don't write a lot, but when I do, it's generally an emotional and spiritual experience.

The first part of the song I came up with is this bridge:

Your love is better than all I could ever want
Your love is stronger than all I could ever carry

It hit me after I sang out that second line what a miraculous reality that is.

I can't carry being unemployed. It's scary and makes me feel like a failure.
I can't carry the pain of the difficulties my body has conceiving children. I believe God has said we will conceive, but that doesn't make this waiting game any less horrible.
I can't carry the load of being entrusted with the deep stories of an individual, knowing they have trusted me to share it in a way that is respectful and meaningful.

And yet, though all of these burdens are more than I should be able to bear, the love of my Father carries them for me. He has not allowed me to hold onto them by myself.

If you are holding onto something too much for you today, know that God has promised to be the one carrying that load. Even when it seems impossible - no, especially when it seems impossible, He is right there to be your strength.

Look at this sunset. Keep your chin up. And rely on Him to be the One keeping you strong.

I Am.

He sure is.
God is wrecking me right now with the realization of who He really is. The promises He has given us, and the beautiful plans he's put together for anyone who will grab on and run with them.
Since my last post, my life has been topsy-turvy in the best of ways. I am learning more and more every day about what it means to truly walk with Jesus each day. My marriage is restored. I thought that could never happen, but not only am I staying in a marriage because I know it's what I should do, I am now there because I want to be! I love going home to my husband every day, and I miss him when he's away.
I love the Word of God. It's something I always had a hard time engaging with, and now I am excited to soak in His desires and will and heart.
And I'm beginning to grasp how urgently He wants people to seek Him. My heart for the lost has been transformed and I can't wait to tell people about what God is doing in my life.

This isn't meant to be a long explanation of the specific lessons God is teaching me. I'm going to be writing more often because it's such a great way to share life with people, even the ones that aren't right next to me. However, I wanted to encourage you today that God deeply cares for you and desires that you chase His heart with all you have.
And it's worth it. It's 100% worth it.

- Rebekah

Delivered.

This post has been coming about for awhile, but as I've been pretty busy, it's happening now.

But it's something I've been dying to share.

Without going into too much detail (if you're really interested, hit me up and I'll tell you the whole story), a few weeks ago, my life changed.

Remember that last post I wrote? About how I felt like used, damaged goods? Well, that spirit that had been a part of me for as long as I can remember had been dragging me down, and on October 14th, it all came to a head.

Sunday morning, during worship, God gave me a vision. In the vision, I could see myself yanking on a rope - at the other end was Jesus, just standing there, holding the rope. The rope was immediately apparent to be my control over my life: how I feel about myself, my habit of sitting on the fence when it comes to decisions I need to make... basically, control over everything.

Then, the vision expanded. While my right side was desperately trying to hang onto that rope, my left arm was shackled to a chain. At the end of the chain stood everyone who had taken advantage of me over the years - all the men I'd let speak despicable things into my life, the girl who abused me as a child, and anyone who had spoken death over who I am.

As I watched this vision, I asked Jesus what would happen if I was willing to let go of the rope. After all, Lord, I would decide to let go of the rope. But I can't break a chain - so all that would be left is me, chained to a past filled with skewed intimacy, pain, and perversion.

So, He showed me - in my vision, I let go of the rope and watched it turn into an axe in the hand of Jesus. as soon as I dropped my control, he simply walked over to my chain, broke it with the axe, and then held me in His arms.

Talk about intense.

What to do with that? I knew what would happen; now I just had to do my part. After speaking with some awesome women of God that afternoon, I decided to receive prayer for deliverance from Burke, the youth pastor at Grace Church and a good friend of mine and Josh's.

And it came out.

Literally.

After booking it to the restroom, every piece of that cursed spirit expelled itself from my body. I really hate to throw up, so it was quite the interesting experience to do it with three people praying for me right outside the stall.

[side note]

I don't know how you feel about deliverance. I don't know how you feel about me saying that puking was a part of this amazing God experience I had. But, I know what God did there, and I hope you can rejoice with me through it, even if it doesn't make sense to you.

[end side note]

I've never felt so free in my life! Since that day, I've had a passion for the Word of God more than I can ever remember, I don't have a need to seek after affection from people, and I find myself feeling moments of joy unlike I have ever experienced.

The first Scripture God led me to after this experience was Proverbs 2. I encourage you to read the entire book - wisdom is something we so often ignore, but it is so beautiful! Anyway, in verse 12, Solomon says that "[Wisdom will] deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things."

Talk about applicable to my situation.

Over these weeks, I have found the love of Christ anew... He has filled me in a way that I want to share with everyone I meet! This morning, I heard an interview with President Obama regarding today's election. I listened intently, and then pondered for a moment the fact that the person elected to this office will never change the truth that God remains sovereign, and how thankful I am for that fact. And wouldn't you know it - as I scanned my stations, the very next song I heard was "Great I Am!"

So I shouted like a kid on Christmas!

I'm sure the people in the cars around me thought I was nuts. But, for the first time, I really didn't care.

To end, I'd like to share the chorus from a song that so beautifully reminds me of this amazing work Christ has done in me. It's from "Chains Hit the Ground," an amazing song by Leeland. When I start to feel down, I repeat these words in my head... and I am so thankful for this truth.

And I remember the nails that You took for me
When You died in my shame and iniquity
Jesus, You have set me free
The thorns of my shame, You wore in a crown
When You bowed Your head, Your love was poured out
And my chains hit the ground!

The intense love of the Father.

I had a very interesting weekend.

This weekend, I obsessed over some issues in my life that I spend a lot of time trying to suppress. Whether it was due to the amount of time I spent just thinking, my location, or any other extraneous factors, I don't know.

What I do know is that I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown twice within the last 24 hours.

If you know me well at all, you're probably aware of the fact I am an emotional human being. Yes, we're all emotional. But I let emotions dictate a lot of my life. I know it's not always a good tactic for life, but, unfortunately, it seems to be how I am wired.

Over the last few weeks, a great deal has happened in my life in the area of spiritual growth. God has been speaking to me a lot about me.

You see, there are a lot of lies about myself I've let myself believe over the past several years.

As a kid, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. As a teenager, I was treated really poorly by my fair share of men. As an adult, I've made some stupid decisions trying to "find myself." In addition to that (and probably sometimes related), I have been treated as though I am a prostitute (and once actually offered money for sex). My entire life has been a series of dysfunctional sexuality, and while these issues did not always consume me, they have affected the way I think of myself.

I feel dirty.

I feel used.

I feel like damaged goods.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel despicable.

I feel dysfunctional and as though I am wired wrong.

I happen to be the only person who hears the thoughts in my head, and because I know what I'm thinking, I know what a crappy person I seem to be.

Back to this weekend - I had a lot of time to dwell on the way this is affecting my life today, and I started to freak out.

I started to feel hopeless.

I started to feel trapped.

I started to feel like giving up.

And then, because He is so good, my Dad upstairs reminded me that He loves me way too much for that.

He loves me so much that He is determined for me to understand how He truly sees me.

He sees me as clean.

He sees me as perfect.

He sees me as beautiful.

He sees me, and He is ravished by me.

I can't ever make Him love me more, and I can't ever make Him love me less. His love is unconditional, always, 100% of the time.

I watched a video on YouTube today that reminded me of this. A few months back, a friend sent me a link to the video. I vividly remember bawling at my desk at work as I realized how the words spoken are so true: "He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you..."

The God we serve is a God of restoration. He desires to restore my purity. He desires to restore my thoughts. He desires to restore my relationships. He desires to restore my self-image.

He desires to restore ALL OF ME.

Because He loves me.

And that will always be enough.