Perfect in weakness?

I got really upset over something very small yesterday.

I've been fighting a lot lately with one of my best friends. This fighting is made rather more complicated by the fact he is also Josh's and my roommate.

I'm not going to explain why, because, frankly, it's no one's business and it's probably stupid, anyway. That's not the point of this post.

However, the fact that we've been arguing quite a bit puts both of us a little more on edge.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was waiting for him to get home so that we could go to Taco Tuesday at my husband's restaurant and chill out with our friend, Derek. We do this almost every Tuesday, unless I'm out of town for some reason. After getting cleaned up from work, he walked out of his bathroom... and told me he was going to go hang out with some other friends... and then he was gone.

No warning. No polite text to tell me when he made those plans, "Hey, you should probably figure out something else to do tonight than Taco Tuesday, because I'm going out."

Well... suffice it to say I didn't take it well.

See, I have been struggling a lot lately with my self-worth and feelings of rejection, ever since the "church incident," as I have thus dubbed it.

When your best friend leaves you hanging without a warning, it is really easy to let all of those struggles bubble quickly back up to the surface.

I began to cry, and drove out to Taco Tuesday alone, to find that Derek wasn't working yesterday. Upon finding out I would have to eat alone, I turned around and drove home. When I parked in our apartment's lot, I again had that same trouble with my car key not coming out of my ignition, which made me cry harder and scream loudly at my car.

Eventually, after fenagling my key out, I ran back into my apartment, and got in bed.

At 6:30 PM.

I don't know that I've ever done that before; that is, spent an entire evening in bed because I felt so depressed.

[If you can't tell yet, this story is getting increasingly embarrassing - however, I promised myself I would be really honest here, and this is kind of an important moment for me. So don't laugh]

Josh got home from work at around 10:30 to find me there, tossing and turning, attempting to listen to an audiobook. As good husbands do, he crawled in bed next to me and held me close as I finally fell asleep.

I feel so empty right now. Between so many broken promises, both ones that you would know if you've been keeping up with this blog and ones that are not public knowledge, and so many lies, and so many uncertainties, it is difficult to keep up a happy face - something I normally pride myself on being able to do.

The reason for this emptiness lies, I believe, in the fact that I feel so powerless and weak. I can't stop anyone lying to me, or letting me down, or not being able to give me an answer. I can't force people to spend time with me if that's not what they want to do. And I can't make the last several months, or few years, go away, no matter how much I want to.

I read a post on stuffchristianslike.net today that I posted to my Facebook wall. Jon Acuff discussed his frustration with weakness and failure, and the words he said pierced right into my heart.

2 Corinthians 12 says, "In order to keep me from being conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."

I can't even read this passage on my screen without tearing up.

There's an old hymn that keeps popping into my head as I read, however.

For His grace is sufficient for me,
And His love is abundant and free
O what joy floods my soul
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me!

Many times I'm tried and tested 
As I travel day by day
'Oft I meet with pain and sorrow
And there's trouble in the way
But I have a sweet assurance
That my soul, the Lord will lead
And in Him there is strength for every need

When the tempter brings confusion
And I don't know what to do
On my knees, I turn to Jesus
For He'll always see me through
Then despair is changed to vict'ry
Every doubt just melts away
And in Him, there is hope for every day

I have tried and tried every day for the past couple of weeks to hang on to this weakness, to handle this pain myself. Avoiding devotions, distracting myself with pointless entertainment, and spending a great deal of time playing games are a few of the methods I've used to refuse to cast this on Jesus. But I don't have strength anymore to do it. If I continue on this path, I am afraid of what I would become. I already barely recognize myself with all this anger and self-pity spilling out of every orifice.

I'm exhausted.

But in Him, there is hope for every day. His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning.

Now, I need to remember what it feels like to lean on Him.