Depression.

Wow. Way to start a cheerful post.

I haven't written for awhile. I realized that I only write here when I'm feeling down... I think that will change. I want to be able to look back and see good things in my life as well as the bad.

However, that day is not today. Today I am sad. And I'm very tired of being sad.

A very dear friend of mine lied to me recently. Although I am sure this happens much more often than I am aware, it hurt. A lot. I've been hurt by my closest friends before (we probably all have), and it always seems to revolve around the same issue. Unfortunately, this puts me in a bad place as far as future friends are concerned - when I get hurt, and it relates to the same type of situation, I react rather badly. I tend to retreat into myself and lash out should anyone attempt to bring up the subject.

Also unfortunately, a week after I found out I'd been lied to, I got even worse news: the church at which I've been serving for four months decided not to continue my ministry contract with them any longer. This came as a distinct shock, as I was not expecting anything of the sort. I don't know all the specifics as of yet, but I know I didn't "do anything wrong," the termination of my contract had more to do with poor relationships and communication. At least that's what I know for now.

I feel so broken.

You know, I think the reason I've never shared this blog with more than a few people before is because I'm so afraid that someone will know I'm sad and think badly of me. Like I mentioned before, I tend to write when I'm feeling down. As that is now changing, I think it is safe to be honest and a bit vulnerable about my feelings for the moment. And if you have a problem with my sadness... I suppose you should just stop reading.

I struggle quite a deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. This is due, in part, to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child by someone I trusted. It's also probably due to my similarity to my father, who, one of the people I respect most in the world, has dealt with the same insecurity issues much of his life (although, I would like to point out, my dad is pretty much the most awesome person in the world and has no reason for insecurity). Whatever the reasons, or excuses, or whatever you want to call them, I have a hard time ever thinking I'm good enough.

I worked for about 3 years at a company called SmileMakers in South Carolina (before transferring to Trevecca). I excelled there in a way I didn't know was possible. It was my first "real" job, and I quickly gained the attention and respect of my superiors. After a promotion, I was able to serve as the department trainer for several months, a job I both loved and enjoyed. Although I rarely made mistakes (there are some benefits to being obsessive-compulsive about one's job), anytime my boss called me to her office, my immediate thought was that I was in trouble, possibly getting fired. I never did anything to warrant this, nor was her reason for meeting with me rarely, if ever, to even reprimand me, my insecurity kicked in at those moments and caused my heart to race and my palms to get sweaty. I never shared this fact with anyone, even my husband, Josh, for I thought they would think I was insane.

After beginning my term at a church that interviewed and hired me this past March, I determined that I would not allow myself to live like that again. It was a frustrating and stressful way to work, especially as it was rather pointless, seeing as I was an excellent employee and planned on continuing as such.

Apparently, paranoia does have some basis in reality.

I have many fears now for what happens when I enter into my next church assignment. Knowing myself, I am aware that it will take quite a bit of  prayer and encouragement to handle the inner battle that will undoubtedly rage between my paranoia and peace. Will I be able to fully commit myself to another ministry position, or am I destined to constantly fear rejection and again being uprooted from where I plant myself?

The "Jesus" side of me knows that is a silly question, given I get to choose the answer - it is up to me whether or not I fully commit myself to my calling, and no one else. However, the human side of me desperately wishes to cling to my fear and self-doubt. As ridiculous as this may seem, I feel it might have something to do with security. Should I again be rejected and tossed aside, at least I will have expected it this time. Perhaps it will mean I am more prepared.

Sigh.


This has been an extremely stressful and difficult couple of weeks. I hope it gets better soon.

I think the hardest part is that I have the ability to let it get better. I'm just not sure if I have the strength or willpower to seek after that peace. Right now... I just want to sleep.

I made it...

There's a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir called "I Made It."

Some of the lyrics are:

I've been through many hard trials,
I couldn't explain it, no, I didn't know why,
why I had to go through so much pain;
but praise the Lord, today there is healing in His name.

I made it, so thankful,
I never could have made it this far without the Lord.
Through sorrow (He was my comfort and all my strength).
Through heartache (Jesus healed all of my sins).
Depression (now I can sing).


I think it's important to point out that even though the title of the song is "I Made It," the point is not to say that I have arrived (I never could have made it this far without the Lord). I did make it through Thanksgiving. It was really difficult, and I still cry a lot. But God is moving me through, one step at a time.

My pastor, Lindell Cooley, did a sermon last week on thankfulness. He made an amazing illustration about unthankfulness - if there is a huge sheet of white paper on a wall, and there is a black dot in the middle of it, you will focus on the black dot, not the rest of the white. If the black dot is the crappy stuff going on in your life, the white stuff is all the things you should be thankful for. We should learn to focus on the white paper, not the black dot.

It's just so hard when the black dot discolors everything else in your life.

But I'm working on it.

Love hurts. I wish it wasn't so complicated.

Entertainment Value.

I have seen the new Harry Potter movie twice in two days.

It's phenomenal.

The first night, I saw it with my two best friends, Justin and Steven, and Steven's roommate, Chad, whom I also love.

We had a great time, especially after watching the amusing adolescents dressed up like specific characters as they volunteered themselves to reenact scenes from any of the books and/or movies.

Last night, I went with my friend Casey.

We had an awesome time, too. I bought a Gryffindor scarf for the occasion, and we enjoyed some yummy Baja Burrito before the movie.

I share all these extraneous details for one reason.

Entertainment value.

The value of entertainment, for me, is unable to be accounted. 

I can not explain the powerful catharsis I experience as a result of participating in entertainment such as a good Harry Potter flick. My emotions have been on a roller coaster for weeks, and I can't seem to get a handle on how to deal with it all... but the few hours I spend enjoying a good movie with some friends are invaluable to me.

Over the past several days, I have been struck speechless by the number of people in my life who desperately care for me. I am surrounded by an unbelievable amount of love and sincerity. This knowledge, coupled with the inexplicable peace God has granted me, is enough to keep me going for as long as necessary.

Stan Lee penned the words, "With great power comes great responsibility."

I choose to shoulder that responsibility. I am willing to do what it takes...

As long as I have friends willing to accompany their crazy chick to the movies.

Am I Losing My Mind?

My emotional well-being from last Tuesday to this Tuesday is physically palpable.


I wish I could say exactly why.


Honestly, I'm slightly concerned I might have PMDD. If you don't know what that is... well, since there are only like 3 people that can read this blog, I don't know that it's necessary I explain it. You know how to use Google.


But maybe the difference is this: I'm at the end of my rope.


So where did the additional rope come from?


There's only one answer to that question.


It's Him. It's Christ. There's no other option.


Last week, I posted on Facebook, "Is love that thing that makes your heart sing?" Becauses when I don't 'feel' like my heart is singing, I doubt my love.


Today, I sang the words, "My heart will sing no other name: Jesus."


It is that thing that makes my heart sing. But sometimes my heart tries to sing the wrong way... or forgets exactly what it's singing about.


Weeping only lasts a night. How long will this night be? In the shadow of your burdens,
It’s hard for you to see.

Though the trials you may face,
May bring you to your knees.
There’s no better place for you to be,
Then at the end of your abilities.


When you've done all you can to stand,

Stand on Him.

Though all the world around is sinking sand.

When it seems like you just can't go on,

In your weakness, He'll be strong.

When you feel like you've done everything you can,

Just stand.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days


All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord, forevermore

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

The law.

On a side note.

I don't really do anything illegal. At least nothing that comes to mind.

And yet.

Security guards make me so nervous! Forget cops... they cause me to have full on panic attacks.

But seeing a security guard just makes me jumpy. I think things like, "Don't walk too fast, it looks suspicious" or, "Keep your head up, not doing so makes you look guilty."

Now I just need to know for what it is I have a guilty conscience.

I wonder if I vandalize people's cars while sleepwalking or something...