I have always been willing to accept and follow what I have been told.
It's how I was raised. My parents were adamant that I believe what they had to say. They also (in my opinion, inadvertently) caused me to give up a long time ago on questioning.
Questioning anything.
I'm a pastor's kid. I've been accused of being a 'goody two-shoes' so often in my life I would never be able to keep track of the number of instances. I believe that rules are NOT made to be broken, but to be followed. After all, rules cause the world to function properly - speed limits are meant to prevent car accidents, attendance policies are meant to prevent failure or mediocrity in learning or work, and when Mom said, "Stop!" I was to listen first so that I would be out of harm's way.
But I let this way of thinking bleed through to all areas of my life.
Why is God real? Because my dad said so, and sometimes people would cry when they talk about Jesus, so it had to be true...
Who am I allowed to be, really? I'm allowed to be the person that everyone told me I was, and was supposed to be: the perky, but unpopular preacher's daughter that doesn't step a toe out of line, gets along best with adults, and can always be depended upon for an encouraging word or a helping hand.
What should I expect from others? Often failure. Sometimes joy. But mostly ignorance.
But you know what? I'm tired of accepting things at face value. And sometimes I just need to say what I'm feeling. Perhaps no one will ever read my posts. I'm not sure I want anyone to read them. I just need to say what's on my mind.
Maybe everything I know about God is skewed. Maybe a lot of it is human fabrication. Maybe He doesn't exist in the form I know or expect at all.
Maybe the person that I am and the life that I want isn't, in fact, the one everyone would expect me to want. Perhaps the life I have isn't what I want it to be.
And maybe other people are simultaneously even more disappointing and infinitely more amazing than I realize.
So I wonder as I wander. I will attempt to articulate my wonderings... but, more than anything, I just want to speak them out loud, in some form or another.
_B-Rekah
Bekah, I love you. I love who you are becoming. You are different. But different is not always bad. It's been drilled into my head for the past 3yrs that "you're different, you've changed". And so?! What's wrong with that?! We should be changing. We should not be today where we were a year ago. And sometimes what we go through, by fault of our own most times, is not always good. Or not the way God may have intended, or even the way we had intended. But EVERYTHING happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. We dont always know why?? What we go through makes us stronger, eventually. We learn about ourselves, we learn about others. We SHOULD be getting something out of whatever we have fallen into. I'm not saying that everything happens for a reason and it ends up the way we wish it would...But for some reason, we will go through it. It WILL define us more. Be strong love. I have so been there. For two years really. But now, I basically have the chance at a fresh start, and within months I've already screwed up! It's scary. But I will hold on, by what seems like a thread at times. I know THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I love you Bekah. And I am SO glad you came home 3 weeks ago, and that Marcus was a butthead and thats why I ended up on the Boiling Springs side of a Friday night football game! And thanks to him being a jerk, I made plans to go to the band competition that weekend and we bonded. We shared deep secrets and fears of our life. See, EVERYTHING happens for a reason! And you were there to help me through that weekend, and the weeks to come you were there for me to vent to. And then again this past weekend, you were there. I hope I can and am there for you like you have been there for me. I dont always get across what I am trying to say, but I hope I can encourage you in some way. I LOVE YOU GIRL!
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