The day I found out why I'm alive.

This is the start of something amazing...
A moment when heaven touches earth.
Here in our hearts, Lord, we are waiting
For something that's far beyond what we have seen or heard.

// "The Ascension," by Phil Wickham


How timely that this song blares through my headphones at the moment I start to write today?

Timely, because today is obviously the start (and continuation) of something amazing.

Why? I have no idea.

Allow me to start from the beginning.

12 years ago, at the age of 14, God called me to full-time ministry. I wish I could explain it... That feeling, deep down, that you know part of how you are supposed to walk forward in life.

Okay, honestly, I was terrified at the time. And a little angry. And maybe annoyed. Maybe the first thing I told my dad (a full-time pastor as long as I've been alive) as he prayed for me that night was that I wanted God to use me in a way that I had to be smart to do. Pastors don't have to be smart, like surgeons or astronauts or chemists.

I can only imagine what went through his head at that moment. I assume it was a mixture of eye-rolling, possibly a little bit of hurt, and probably a lot of chagrin as he reflected on how difficult he knew ministry to be. His daughter, the little firecracker who knew she could do anything, had realized that she was facing a life similar to his... and she had no idea what that future would look like.

That night, I bet my dad interceded for me in prayer when we parted ways to head back to the camp cabins. I would be surprised if he hadn't, at least for a brief second, hoped that it was just a phase or an emotional moment. Knowing the serious business that ministry can be, he may have even asked for my reprieve... for a new call to something safer, something more stable.

Something that didn't involve the heaviness of responsibility that he had lived with for over 20 years by that time.

But he knew better. When I was very young, a wise person had told my parents that God would call me away from them later in life, sometimes to places very far away for a long time. They were prepared. They knew what that meant, even then.

Fast forward. The quick, in-between parts of this story include a confusing decision to go into youth ministry, even though I have never quite gotten along with teenagers (even when I was one of them myself). After all, I didn't want to be a senior pastor. Children's pastor was out - little kids made me cringe and shudder. In my overwhelmingly limited mind, those were the three options.

I began college as a theology major. Hey, I may not have to be a genius to pastor teenagers, but I can learn new languages and impress people with my vast knowledge of biblical context and theories about the Trinity and interpretations of Revelation, right?

Writing this all down, I have to laugh. It's so comical at this point to look back and see how ignorant I was... And to remember how confident I was in my ignorance.

Hmm... What next?

I hated my freshman year of college. It was a time wrought with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and desperate attempts not to drown under a growing workload I couldn't motivate myself to complete. The only redemptive factor was that I met the man who would become my husband a year and a half later. (But that's a whole other story... A really good one!)

A professor told me I wasn't called to ministry.

I changed my major to psychology and turned my back on something I obviously wasn't good enough to do.

I sang background vocals at my school's spring revival and had the best time of my life. There was something there... Something new.

I moved home and transferred schools.

And then, because God is good and He is so kind, my dad's church was suddenly in need of a worship leader very soon after I moved. I had expressed my desire to start learning... and so I did.

It was, quite possibly, the most difficult thing I've ever done. I battled insecurities and feeling inadequate, and worked with some people who were barely committed or just generally flaky... But I learned more in that three-year period than I ever thought possible.

And, oh boy, it was about to get even crazier.

In 2009, we moved to Nashville so that I could complete my degree with a Bachelor's in Worship Arts. Again, to shorten the story, three years of intense learning and crazy experiences ensued. I traveled for a year with a Music Ministry team for the school, led in chapels, filled in at a few churches, and even held a worship pastor position at a church in Tennessee (for four months before it ended in a heaping stack of burning wreckage). I graduated from Trevecca Nazarene University over two years ago, and have since been experiencing the most tumultuous time of my life. Which is silly, because I thought my life was insane before!

I was delivered on October 14, 2012 from some intense spiritual oppression that had been a major issue in my life for some time. Then, in the start of 2013, out of nowhere, every opportunity I had to lead worship just disappeared.

Was swept away.

With no explanation.

For seven months, I didn't lead worship. Let me tell you, I didn't handle it well! I forgot how to spend time alone with Jesus in that intimate place of worship we should be living in consistently. I let anger and frustration get the best of me.

Finally, excruciatingly, I got a chance to co-lead with one of my best friends at a service out of town.

It was painful, and hard, and I had a breakdown at the end of our rehearsal because I was so out of practice and unprepared. Then, God did an amazing thing during the service - He showed up!

I ended the night on the platform with just one other member of the team. It was incredible! But my battle wasn't over.

Slowly, God changed the way I see my calling. He totally adjusted my feelings about how my calling had become my identity. He showed me that there were so many other things He had gifted me with the ability to do that I could not continue to put myself in a box. He used bad communication with people and some of the most maddening experiences of my life to show me who I truly am in Him.

This year has been even more transformative. Slowly but surely, God places opportunities in my path. Some go 'better' than others, some are more what I prefer while some are a stretch for me, and all of them came from a place where God did all the 'promoting.' I didn't have to 'get my name out there.' My chances to glorify God with these gifts has not been through anything I have or could have done. (By the way - that's the best route to take. Trust me.)

Which brings me to today.

Over the last 7 days, God has been showing me specifics of what I should and should not be doing to prepare for the calling He has placed on my life. It's very practical stuff, mostly about discipline and humility. Honestly, it was so much at once (especially since, for so long, I felt like He was almost silent about that part of my life) that it freaked me out a little.

Then, yesterday morning, I was asked to sing a song after one of our services. I haven't led worship on a Sunday morning at my home church in almost two years. If you have been around me during that time, you know that it's a big deal. Not because I want a platform, but because I love my church and am desperate to serve any way I can... And worship leading is a massive part of what God has been leading me to do. Capture Hope is also a big part of this, but that's a post for another day.

Today, in the midst of a mountain of work to finish and knowing that it makes zero sense, I knew I needed to write this all down. Someone, somewhere, needs to know that God calls you to be a part of something bigger than him or herself.

I created this a few weeks ago for my church's Facebook and Twitter accounts.

I do not know the completed answer to this question in my own life. What I do know is that, at this moment, there is something big. I am waiting on something that I'll only recognize after I see it. Whatever it is, I'm not confused. 

You see, I know who I am. And I am not defined by my calling. I am defined as a child of God, committed, submitted, and totally in love with Him, wherever He may take me.

The reason I'm alive is to glorify God. Regardless of what He wants to do in and with me, regardless of where He takes me or whether or not I ever get anything that I want in my own self - He is my purpose. Just Him. He is my reason.

And whatever I'm waiting on... It's just a gift from Him. The next gift in an endless series of good gifts He offers us, if we are only willing to receive them. And I can't wait to see what He has in store.

We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary

We won't be satisfied at all

Open up the sky, fall down like rain

We don't want blessings, we want You!

Open up the sky, fall down like fire

We don't want anything but You

// Open Up the Sky, by Deluge

I'm just not good enough.

Can I be honest for a moment?

I am really sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I'm sick of my employer(s) treating me that way. I'm sick of the enemy trying to convince me it's true every time I don't perform exactly perfectly. But mostly, I'm sick of allowing what other people say (or sometimes more damagingly, don't say) determine whether or not I think I'm good enough.

I am a worship leader. That is something God has done in me - it's not just a career path or a degree I hold. Years ago, God created this calling within me, and I have been trying ever since to do the right things to stay on that road. I left my parents and brother to move to Nashville so that I could finish my bachelor's degree with a major in Worship Arts. My life has revolved around chasing after this calling.

And then, four years ago, God put me and Josh at a church with the opposite problem that most churches deal with - our church has an overabundance of worship leaders, and there's no way for everyone in the congregation designated as such to serve all the time.

Oh, and here's the best part - He's keeping me there.

For years, I've battled inner turmoil, trying to convince myself that I'm a good, capable worship leader, even when my opportunities were slim or non-existent to lead worship. I've had some great experiences and opportunities, but they were interwoven into many more church services where I sat in the congregation. Last fall, I was asked to coordinate the people running media at our church on Sundays, which has given me a chance to be close to the 'action,' but still not in the way my heart wants.

Last year was the pinnacle of my frustration. At one point, I allowed myself to get so angry about being 'ignored' that God convicted me and I had to send several messages to close friends, apologizing for blaming other people and complaining about my situation. Talk about humbling - the basis of my argument in the whole situation had always been that I, Rebekah, was in the right, and everyone else was either disorganized or simply didn't care about me. In a day, I was basically forced to admit that the problem only lay within me.

And the problem wasn't ever that I was a 'bad' worship leader.

The problem was that, after years of consistent opportunities, churches telling me to contact them after graduation for a job leading worship, leading at our young adults gatherings at church, and feeling like I knew what was going on, I suddenly lost all my outlets for leading worship in a group. So, instead of spending time with Jesus on my own, drawing nearer to Him without the necessity of an audience or a microphone, I decided that other people had seen that I wasn't good enough and chose to be mad about it.

But people shouldn't determine the truth of what I know God has said. Someone's words (or lack thereof) should never change my passion for worshipping Jesus, whether it's in front of thousands or in my own living room.

Therein lies the solution: like my amazing pastor, Lindell Cooley, said just a few weeks ago. I sum it up here:

Don't let your emotions tell you what to do. You need to talk to yourself and tell yourself how to feel. Emotions are fleeting - truth is unchanging.

So what did I do? First, I surrendered to God and told Him that it was never going to be 'my' ministry in the first place, so if He wanted me to be the most passionate worshipper sitting in the second row of the congregation, that's what I'd do.

And wouldn't you know - within a week of truly surrendering that desire, I got one of the things I'd been waiting for so long: affirmation from one of my pastors that I was a capable worship leader. However, God knew better than to give it to me before I was fully ready to accept wherever He put me.

The next thing I did was to start spending time with Jesus regularly. I still have to work hard on discipline, because it's easy to get busy and watch time just pass by, but my heart is so much more happy on those days where I take time to spend time in His presence.

The last thing I have done was to start thanking Jesus for the opportunities I have had when my brain starts telling me that I'm inadequate and people don't want me to lead worship. Just last night, the enemy pretty much just told me that I'm a "Holy Spirit buzzkill." The lie was something along the lines of, 'any time you get on a platform, the Holy Spirit doesn't really move.... it might be an okay time of worship, but you stop the Holy Spirit from truly transforming people when you're around.'

Well, that's silly. I started reminding my atmosphere of all the times God has worked through me and thanking Him for those moments. And I woke up this morning feeling as if I could conquer the world!

If you've taken the time to read this post, bravo! And thank you. My overall thought would be to leave you with this...

People can't tell you that you are unworthy. God calls you worthy. He calls you beautiful. He calls you to live in His glorious light. Don't let a person's words define your identity - only what God says about you.

Peace.
-R

Stronger than what I can carry.

I wrote a song yesterday.

With all the beauty of this weekend (a great photo shoot on Saturday, silhouetted by a ridiculously gorgeous sunset), my creative juices seemed to be flowing. I don't write a lot, but when I do, it's generally an emotional and spiritual experience.

The first part of the song I came up with is this bridge:

Your love is better than all I could ever want
Your love is stronger than all I could ever carry

It hit me after I sang out that second line what a miraculous reality that is.

I can't carry being unemployed. It's scary and makes me feel like a failure.
I can't carry the pain of the difficulties my body has conceiving children. I believe God has said we will conceive, but that doesn't make this waiting game any less horrible.
I can't carry the load of being entrusted with the deep stories of an individual, knowing they have trusted me to share it in a way that is respectful and meaningful.

And yet, though all of these burdens are more than I should be able to bear, the love of my Father carries them for me. He has not allowed me to hold onto them by myself.

If you are holding onto something too much for you today, know that God has promised to be the one carrying that load. Even when it seems impossible - no, especially when it seems impossible, He is right there to be your strength.

Look at this sunset. Keep your chin up. And rely on Him to be the One keeping you strong.

She was home for Christmas.

My Christmas Eve was rather unorthodox this year.

As a pastor's kid, I've traveled to the hospital with my dad on many occasions. Sometimes, it was after routine procedures or minor scares that turned into nothing. On other days, I joined him as we said goodbye to a life. Christmas eve was one such day.

Spartanburg 1st Church of the Nazarene, my father's church, plays a large part in their marginalized community by inviting residents of local residence homes for adults who are unable to live completely on their own. These folks are unable to offer much in the way of financial support or leadership, but they offer something much greater - a chance to love without ever expecting anything in return. One such lady was named Brenda.

So many of us complain about the most trivial things. "My phone doesn't work fast enough." "I wish my 2,000 square foot house had 8,000 square feet." "I don't understand why I can't look like a model." Brenda had no traditional legacy to her name, no beach body to claim, no career to speak of; and yet, she loved unashamedly. She was always a sweet, kind soul, ready to offer a hug and a smile to anyone willing to receive.

The above photo is from a Christmas party held at my parents house in 2012. Brenda and the other residents came over to share in some desserts and fellowship. One of them said they'd never been invited to a party before - something that for most of us seems commonplace. 

In 2013, Brenda suffered a massive heart attack the Friday before Christmas. Her family could not be reached to be called in when she would be taken off the life support keeping her body alive - the only communication anyone had recently received was the week before her heart attack, when her son called to say he would be traveling to town to buy her the pair of boots she had wanted for so long. But no one could find him or any of her other children to tell them what had happened.

This brings us to Christmas Eve. The doctors had chosen to remove her life support that day, so she wouldn't have to suffer during Christmas. She had been pronounced brain-dead and would not regain consciousness again.

My family (father, mother, and brother) and I drove to the hospital before lunch. There, we met Travis and Melody, a married couple who have played a large part in the outreach to homes like Brenda's. A few other church members who cared very much for her were regrettably absent due to work schedules.

Right before we walked into the hospital room, my dad looked at me to ask if I would be able to sing something as she took her last breaths. Everyone else had already started to cry, so I was the only one left who would be able to start a song. The nurses turned off all the machines and displays and left us in the room to say goodbye. So we sang It Is Well With My Soul.

We joined together in song, tearfully, sniffling, and a little out of tune. Brenda coded as soon as support was removed, and went peacefully into eternity. My mother commented later that rather than tears, our response could consist of rejoicing - Brenda was the only one of us in that room who would spend Christmas with Jesus. While our song wouldn't earn us a grammy, and the 'performance' was anything but perfect, it was a flawless way to say our farewells to a woman who would remain forever in our hearts.

My life has always been far more blessed by those people who were willing to love without expectations. Brenda became our family, not because she wanted us to give her things, and not because we thought there was ever anything tangible she could provide for us, but because we are all children of God, seeking one purpose - to know Jesus more. She had a beautiful soul, and will be missed by those who knew her.

Merry Christmas, Brenda. You gave me a more amazing gift than all the ones wrapped beneath our tree, and I will never forget.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Too Much To Do.

A few weeks ago, a man at church made a comment to me that blew me away.

After explaining to him that Josh and I were simply too busy and had too much to do to add anything else, he said, "You're not supposed to be that busy before you have kids."

I don't know if that's true. I'm not sure how to determine that. I DO know, however, that I have done a poor job of learning how to rest and enjoy time with others. It feels as if there is always something on my mind that I should be working on, writing, photographing, editing, reconciling... you name it, I'm sure it's on my "to-do" list.

This Thanksgiving holiday, I chose to take some time to rest. We are visiting my in-laws in Ohio, and I have read almost half of one book on my Nook, slept in the last two days, and Pinterest-ed until my eyes were tired. Oh, and reclaimed my love for Geometry Wars on the Xbox.

Have I "accomplished" anything? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing is for sure: Jesus Himself said that we need rest. So I'm taking it, and I won't feel guilty. I'm so thankful that He gave us that reminder.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Heaviness and Hope.

I have a project on which I'm working, launching Spring 2014, called "Capture Hope."

[I get that this blog is titled "Capturing Hope." This is my personal storytelling of sorts, while "Capture Hope" will consist of other people's stories.]

I'll tell the story of it later, but first I want to share a small part of the first interview I conducted for the project.

I listened to my friend recount her life story - literally, from before birth until now. And it was one of the most devastating, horrifying stories of child abuse I have ever heard. I don't know that I've ever known someone (or been aware of it) that spent the first 18 years of her life being systematically tortured and abused by the people who brought her into the world - the people who are supposed to care the most. It all happened within less than a mile from where we sat to have dinner.

This is why stories are important.

People can relate to details. They can relate to the pieces of the story so rich in color that it's not hard to close your eyes and see it, taste it, smell it for yourself. And when they are in the story with you, it's much easier for them to understand and sympathize with your cause, or your heart, or your passions.

In 16 hours, I heard that story and two other brief retellings of completely unrelated instances of domestic violence that also ripped apart families. My heart is so heavy with sadness for the children, the innocents in these stories. Children, and their innocence, are one of the most beautiful and pure parts of life... To destroy that innocence and rip away a childhood is abhorrent, even evil.

But it is today that I can gladly announce to you all that, regardless of current circumstances, there is always hope!

God works all things together for our good. I do not necessarily believe that "all things happen for a reason." If all things happened for a reason, that indicates God is the one always making them happen, which points to a very vicious and vindictive deity. However, He does promise that He works all things together for good to those who love Him. Violence, evil, and hatred exist because of the presence of sin in our world. The beautiful part about that is that when we hand it all over to Christ and tell Him to take control, He uses all the dirty, dark, and sad stories for a holy purpose.

The friend I interviewed last night now operates an organization to spread awareness about child abuse and give children opportunities and tools to report abuse and be helped. Throughout her story, the one theme that continued to recur was, "Everyone knew, and no one said a word." Today, she makes sure that people talk about it, and that children are given everything they need to stop the cycles of violence from which no one rescued her.

It was a scary story - but it has a happy ending. We serve a God who loves us SO much that He endured the very worst suffering, the most terrible of fates, all for us to have an opportunity for life abundantly. If you're feeling alone, or perhaps that no one understands, remember that there is always One Who knows every ounce of sorrow, Who feels every drop of pain, and Who is with you in the darkest night. And He shines as bright as day.

- R

I Am.

He sure is.
God is wrecking me right now with the realization of who He really is. The promises He has given us, and the beautiful plans he's put together for anyone who will grab on and run with them.
Since my last post, my life has been topsy-turvy in the best of ways. I am learning more and more every day about what it means to truly walk with Jesus each day. My marriage is restored. I thought that could never happen, but not only am I staying in a marriage because I know it's what I should do, I am now there because I want to be! I love going home to my husband every day, and I miss him when he's away.
I love the Word of God. It's something I always had a hard time engaging with, and now I am excited to soak in His desires and will and heart.
And I'm beginning to grasp how urgently He wants people to seek Him. My heart for the lost has been transformed and I can't wait to tell people about what God is doing in my life.

This isn't meant to be a long explanation of the specific lessons God is teaching me. I'm going to be writing more often because it's such a great way to share life with people, even the ones that aren't right next to me. However, I wanted to encourage you today that God deeply cares for you and desires that you chase His heart with all you have.
And it's worth it. It's 100% worth it.

- Rebekah

Delivered.

This post has been coming about for awhile, but as I've been pretty busy, it's happening now.

But it's something I've been dying to share.

Without going into too much detail (if you're really interested, hit me up and I'll tell you the whole story), a few weeks ago, my life changed.

Remember that last post I wrote? About how I felt like used, damaged goods? Well, that spirit that had been a part of me for as long as I can remember had been dragging me down, and on October 14th, it all came to a head.

Sunday morning, during worship, God gave me a vision. In the vision, I could see myself yanking on a rope - at the other end was Jesus, just standing there, holding the rope. The rope was immediately apparent to be my control over my life: how I feel about myself, my habit of sitting on the fence when it comes to decisions I need to make... basically, control over everything.

Then, the vision expanded. While my right side was desperately trying to hang onto that rope, my left arm was shackled to a chain. At the end of the chain stood everyone who had taken advantage of me over the years - all the men I'd let speak despicable things into my life, the girl who abused me as a child, and anyone who had spoken death over who I am.

As I watched this vision, I asked Jesus what would happen if I was willing to let go of the rope. After all, Lord, I would decide to let go of the rope. But I can't break a chain - so all that would be left is me, chained to a past filled with skewed intimacy, pain, and perversion.

So, He showed me - in my vision, I let go of the rope and watched it turn into an axe in the hand of Jesus. as soon as I dropped my control, he simply walked over to my chain, broke it with the axe, and then held me in His arms.

Talk about intense.

What to do with that? I knew what would happen; now I just had to do my part. After speaking with some awesome women of God that afternoon, I decided to receive prayer for deliverance from Burke, the youth pastor at Grace Church and a good friend of mine and Josh's.

And it came out.

Literally.

After booking it to the restroom, every piece of that cursed spirit expelled itself from my body. I really hate to throw up, so it was quite the interesting experience to do it with three people praying for me right outside the stall.

[side note]

I don't know how you feel about deliverance. I don't know how you feel about me saying that puking was a part of this amazing God experience I had. But, I know what God did there, and I hope you can rejoice with me through it, even if it doesn't make sense to you.

[end side note]

I've never felt so free in my life! Since that day, I've had a passion for the Word of God more than I can ever remember, I don't have a need to seek after affection from people, and I find myself feeling moments of joy unlike I have ever experienced.

The first Scripture God led me to after this experience was Proverbs 2. I encourage you to read the entire book - wisdom is something we so often ignore, but it is so beautiful! Anyway, in verse 12, Solomon says that "[Wisdom will] deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things."

Talk about applicable to my situation.

Over these weeks, I have found the love of Christ anew... He has filled me in a way that I want to share with everyone I meet! This morning, I heard an interview with President Obama regarding today's election. I listened intently, and then pondered for a moment the fact that the person elected to this office will never change the truth that God remains sovereign, and how thankful I am for that fact. And wouldn't you know it - as I scanned my stations, the very next song I heard was "Great I Am!"

So I shouted like a kid on Christmas!

I'm sure the people in the cars around me thought I was nuts. But, for the first time, I really didn't care.

To end, I'd like to share the chorus from a song that so beautifully reminds me of this amazing work Christ has done in me. It's from "Chains Hit the Ground," an amazing song by Leeland. When I start to feel down, I repeat these words in my head... and I am so thankful for this truth.

And I remember the nails that You took for me
When You died in my shame and iniquity
Jesus, You have set me free
The thorns of my shame, You wore in a crown
When You bowed Your head, Your love was poured out
And my chains hit the ground!

The intense love of the Father.

I had a very interesting weekend.

This weekend, I obsessed over some issues in my life that I spend a lot of time trying to suppress. Whether it was due to the amount of time I spent just thinking, my location, or any other extraneous factors, I don't know.

What I do know is that I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown twice within the last 24 hours.

If you know me well at all, you're probably aware of the fact I am an emotional human being. Yes, we're all emotional. But I let emotions dictate a lot of my life. I know it's not always a good tactic for life, but, unfortunately, it seems to be how I am wired.

Over the last few weeks, a great deal has happened in my life in the area of spiritual growth. God has been speaking to me a lot about me.

You see, there are a lot of lies about myself I've let myself believe over the past several years.

As a kid, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. As a teenager, I was treated really poorly by my fair share of men. As an adult, I've made some stupid decisions trying to "find myself." In addition to that (and probably sometimes related), I have been treated as though I am a prostitute (and once actually offered money for sex). My entire life has been a series of dysfunctional sexuality, and while these issues did not always consume me, they have affected the way I think of myself.

I feel dirty.

I feel used.

I feel like damaged goods.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel despicable.

I feel dysfunctional and as though I am wired wrong.

I happen to be the only person who hears the thoughts in my head, and because I know what I'm thinking, I know what a crappy person I seem to be.

Back to this weekend - I had a lot of time to dwell on the way this is affecting my life today, and I started to freak out.

I started to feel hopeless.

I started to feel trapped.

I started to feel like giving up.

And then, because He is so good, my Dad upstairs reminded me that He loves me way too much for that.

He loves me so much that He is determined for me to understand how He truly sees me.

He sees me as clean.

He sees me as perfect.

He sees me as beautiful.

He sees me, and He is ravished by me.

I can't ever make Him love me more, and I can't ever make Him love me less. His love is unconditional, always, 100% of the time.

I watched a video on YouTube today that reminded me of this. A few months back, a friend sent me a link to the video. I vividly remember bawling at my desk at work as I realized how the words spoken are so true: "He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you..."

The God we serve is a God of restoration. He desires to restore my purity. He desires to restore my thoughts. He desires to restore my relationships. He desires to restore my self-image.

He desires to restore ALL OF ME.

Because He loves me.

And that will always be enough.

So Blessed.

I never thought a trip out of the country could make me resent America and adore it so much, all at one time.

Last month, I spent 17 days in China. If you were born yesterday or live under a rock - China is a communist country in Asia with the largest population of any country in the world. As a communist country, China imposes many regulations on religion and the personal lives of its citizens. Many of these were put in place, at least in part, in response to the booming population. These laws include the one-child law that says that women in China (with the exception of those in minority groups) may only bear one child.

In addition to the laws in a country much different from mine, I was culture shocked by vastly different food, cultural habits, and a language barrier that is, at times, only a nuisance, while at other times, it creates a virtual impossibility when trying to accomplish anything.

After two weeks, here are some of the things I realized:

• I love real Chinese food. Not the imitation nonsense they sell in the States, but honest-to-goodness Chinese food. It is tastier and, in many ways, healthier than the typical American diet. (I lost 8 pounds!)
• I have always underestimated my ability to walk long distances. We calculated a rough estimate of the miles we'd walked together over the 17 days - we came up with somewhere around 50 miles. (I only lost 8 pounds?!)
• The fact that I, as an American citizen, can walk into any church in the United States of America without having to show ID or fear any type of retribution is a blessing that literally billions of people may never, EVER experience. To take that for granted is a bit of a slap in the face to... well, lots of people, and God. (Guilty!)
• I adore American standards of hygiene. Like, a lot.
• Adoption is one of the most awesome things in the world. Ever.
• My life is superbly awesome. In basically every way. And that, too, is a breathtakingly rare blessing.

And now, let the earth resound with praise

For our Savior, God, He reigns

He is high and lifted up

Arise, for the King of Glory waits

He is coming back again,
He is coming back again!

Transformation.

There are a lot of things in this world that point to God.

Between nature, love, beauty, healing, miracles, and everything else we see on a daily basis, it's actually quite astonishing to me that there are still a huge majority of people who don't see that God exists.

But there is something else, beyond any miraculous signs and wonders or a breathtaking sunrise, that reminds me, even in the most frustrating of times, that God exists and changes people's lives.

Twice this past Thursday night, while spending time in Bible study and then at dinner afterwards, I saw in two great men of God (both of whom are dear friends) a spectacular beauty that far outstripped that of the sunrise I saw earlier that morning.

The first time, my friend Thomas was sharing about his brother and his utter devotion to Christ. The thought of it brought him to tears, and as his voice shook to recall the passionate love his brother has for his Savior, a memory came to mind of Thomas sharing the kind of person he used to be. From what I could remember, he was the type of guy who didn't really care much about other people... especially not based on their love for the Lord. And yet, the Thomas I know is one of the most firey, devout, and disciplined followers of Christ I know.

After Bible study, some friends treated Josh, myself, and Thomas and his wife to dinner, to celebrate Josh and Thomas' birthdays. At one point, Derek, one of the leaders of our group, shared a little bit about his past. This time, I was the one getting a bit teary-eyed. Knowing Derek, it's hard to imagine someone who isn't constantly looking for areas in which to serve God, or someone who flirts with the law for fun.

See, when it's all put side-by-side, the most convincing proof I have ever witnessed of the existence of the God I serve is the supernatural transformation of selfish, sinful people. I count myself in that group, and there is no way I could ever find redemption outside of Jesus Christ.

If the love of Christ can turn drug addicts to worshippers, prostitutes to beautiful brides, and hateful jerks to loving gentlemen, how could I ever doubt He exists?

Pure Religion.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 
- James 1:27 KJV

Tonight, I was given the pleasure of singing for a young adult service at GoodNaz called 702. I've participated in leading worship there before, and although it's not my home church, I greatly enjoy working with my friend Greg (who is the worship leader for 702) and chatting with Pastor Daryl (the lead pastor at GoodNaz).

This particular evening was different than the typical 702 service. Instead of a few songs and a message, we had a few songs, read a scripture passage, and then went out to visit a widow.

Yep. A widow.

My first thought was how unusual this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

My second thought was how awesome this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

So, we all drove in a little caravan to visit Shirley, a 75-year-old congregant at GoodNaz who recently lost her husband of 57 years. As we sat in her living room, asking questions about losing her husband and about their relationship that had lasted for so long, I was overwhelmed by how meaningful this action was.

How often do we actually take the time to care for the widows and orphans?

Pastor Daryl asked us as we sat there why we thought widows and orphans were singled out in the Word as those for whom we should care, and why this particular action was considered "pure religion."

At that point, it occurred to me that it was quite possible the reason for this is that, by definition, widows and orphans don't have the support structure surrounding them that the rest of us may. Yes, we may have parents that drive us crazy or a husband that forgets things like it's his job (and I say that with a smile, don't worry), but there is still a support around us. But Shirley said the hardest parts of losing her husband were just missing him in general, and then having to be alone so much. 

How difficult would it be for me to connect with some older widows in my church, and offer to come around once in a while to read to them? To do their dishes? To reminisce? To gain wisdom? To fix their computer? 

One thing is for sure - the verse in James 1 is rather clear. There's not much to misconstrue or twist to fit an agenda. It's just simple - take care of the widows and orphans, and don't be defiled by the world.

It seems to me that the two go hand in hand - taking care of those who need it goes directly against the selfish lifestyles that many of us (yes, even those who call ourselves Christians) tend to lead, in our flesh.

It means nothing if we just sit around talking about it. Let's take some action.

In the middle.

I visited some old friends today.

My last full-time job, at a place called SmileMakers, was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I made forever friends there, including a boss whose number will probably always be on my speed dial.

I go back to visit as often as I can (which isn't much), and was pleasantly surprised to see the new renovations on the building. It looks completely different, a fantastic modern office that was obviously very wisely designed.

I was almost in tears to see the place. I remember working there when everyone was cramped into tiny little spaces and storage was basically unheard of. Seeing the updates made me so happy for all my friends who still work there, and I was thrilled to know they now had the space and comfort they deserved all along.

As different as the renovations make the building look, the basics are the same. Everything is relatively similar to the way it was before, at least as far as operations are concerned. I'm sure the specifics are much different, but not from the surface.

Every time I visit home, I am reminded of when my life felt less hectic. Yes, work was often crazy and there weren't a lot of 'slow' days, but when I left work, I left work (for real). I spent most evenings with my parents and husband, and went to church two or three times a week. I desperately missed that for the two hours I visited my old job today. I actually remember feeling, after I suddenly lost my position as worship pastor at Estill Springs last year, that I would have given anything to just move into my parents' house and beg my old boss for a job again. That only lasted a few weeks, but the simplicity of it is something I catch myself craving on a semi-regular basis.

Now, between two jobs, a small photography business, school, church, our young adult group, and the other various things in which I am involved, I barely get home before 10 PM on any night. On top of that, we live a minimum of 25 minutes away from everything, including work, school, church, and all our friends. My life feels so hectic, and I am ready to have a few less things to do. In addition to that, I'm still trying to raise money for a school trip to Asia in May, right after graduation.

I've felt for several months like I'm just in the middle of things. I'm neither here nor there - not quite a graduate, but not a full-time student... not a full-time employee, but not satisfied working part-time... not a main worship leader anywhere, but one of many in the various places I call spiritual homes. I am a practical person, and I don't like feeling so in the middle - I want to feel stable. I'm going home in two days, and walking right back into all of that.

However, I was reminded yesterday of one of my favorite passages of Scripture. It's the one I lean on when I start to feel overwhelmed, and thinking about it right now is starting to make my eyes water.

It is so magnificent to know that when my life feels so inconsistent, my Savior never is. When my heart feels so torn in two because I want to be in two places at once, my Jesus knows exactly what is best for me and where He wants me. When my soul yearns for simplicity, my Lord provides a time of rest.

I'm so blessed by the people in my life. I'm so blessed by my family. I'm so blessed by all the things God has put right in front of me. So...

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope: It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness! The Lord is my portion, saith my soul, therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him."
- Lamentations 3:21-25

Balance.

I did a photo shoot today.

(If you're curious, the link to the album on Facebook is here.)

And below, you'll see what ended up being my favorite photo from the set:

I also had what was [hopefully] my last visit to the counselor I've been seeing at Trevecca.

One of the things my counselor said to me today was the great strides I've made in the area of learning balance.

(And here's why the photos and the counselor are related.)

After unexpectedly losing my first paid worship pastor position earlier this year, I sort of lost it. Regardless of whether or not it was reasonable or normal, that is simply what happened. One of the things I warred within internally was the disparity between what I know God has called me to do, and my utter revulsion with the thought of ever doing it again... which was one of the reasons I began seeing a counselor in the first place.

The two sides were this:

1. I feel like the basic idea I've heard growing up (not necessarily even from my parents, just from people in general) about a call to ministry is that when God makes it clear to you He wants you to serve in ministry, it means that is automatically supposed to be your full-time, lifetime career.

2. I knew, at that point, that the prospect of accepting a full-time worship ministry position, especially one that would require my family to move away from Nashville, was something I didn't even want to think about considering.

So how can I deal with the fact I don't want to do what it is I'm supposed to be doing?

Next, we come to the photo shoot.

Like I said, my favorite photo of the day is the one shown above. The best thing for me about it is the simplicity of it. Anna-Laura is wearing a simple shirt and scarf. Her hair is pulled back. The only thing behind her is a brick wall.

While reviewing the pictures, a good photographer/videographer friend of mine, whose opinion I greatly respect, said this:

"I like this one - it's really simple."

Simplicity is often the best way to come up with a fantastic picture; and, in life, simplicity is often the best way find balance.

Then I realized something simple... and it kind of rocked my world.

Are you ready for this?

When God calls you to something, it probably won't fit in the box you create for it.

Did you catch that?

I have found myself, so many times, utterly perplexed at the reasons God allows certain things to happen. I am disappointed, hurt, and even confused by things I see as negatives. However, I am beginning to see that the reason for much of that is my inability to understand that God is not me, and therefore doesn't live in my own little universe.

God revealed to me, over the course of several years, that He wanted me to be a worship leader. He gifted me musically and gave me a passion for the use of the arts in worship, and I plan on using those gifts and passions to their fullest potential.

But I am not limited to the role of "worship pastor."

A church does not need to pay my salary.

Does any of that mean I am forever closed to the idea of being employed, either part-time or as my only job, by a church body? No way.

Does that mean I have the freedom to seek employment and volunteer opportunities wherever God leads, not just the little segment of the world I try to force my "calling" into?

Yes. That is precisely what it means.

In fact, I am leading worship with a few friends of mine for the young adults service at my church on Sunday night.

The playlist for the set is here.

I'm very much looking forward to it... and I already can't wait to do it again.



[Look for my next post, coming soon: Freedom from Shame.]

Hell.

I heard a song today called "Fires" by Matt Redman.

These are the lyrics:

We're standing in the desert of dry bones
But still we see Your life
Walking through the valley of shadows
But holding onto light
And we're waiting, waiting on You, God
And our hearts will trust, trust in who You are

God who keeps our fires burning
Burning through the darkest night
See the hope in our hearts
The faith in our eyes
You can move the highest mountain
You can keep our dreams alive
You're the joy of our hearts
You're the fire in our eyes

Light up our lives with holy flame
All for the honor of Your name
Give us the strength to face the day, Jesus

I have been struggling lately. I wish I could say there was only one cause or source of tension, but I can't. Suffice it to say that it's been a long few months.

Here are two big issues I'm dealing with:

1. I feel like my dream of being a worship pastor has died.
2. I can't reconcile the Biblical notion of Hell with the God that loves me.

Double whammy, eh?

If we begin with number one, you will recall that I lost my first official worship pastorette in June. I'm not dealing with it well, to say the least, even though I know it is something that happens very often, to a lot of people. It's hitting me hard because I'm really scared, and I am trying to think of any way out of ever having to do it again, if I can.

I'm scared because...
I feel like it proved I'm not good enough to be someone's pastor.
I got very close to people that I'm afraid don't even know I exist anymore.
I feel like I lost a second dad when my pastor moved away and stopped contacting me.
I made a few big decisions related to that job that I now regret (moving 30 minutes outside of town and not auditioning for PR again this year, to name the two most prominent).
I see my future as a worship pastor including the entire month of June every year (when contracts are renewed) being a source of stress, worry, and unnecessary freak-outs.

But mostly, I'm scared because of how poorly I'm coping. How can I be strong enough to shepherd others if I fall apart like this?

Now, let's move on to number two. Hell.

Sunday afternoon, I heard a line from a sermon that threw me for a loop, and I haven't been able to shake the concept from my head since.

Basically, the pastor pointed out (and backed up with Scripture) the fact that an eternity in Hell is not an eternity apart from God. God is the one "in charge" of Hell, not Satan.

That really sucks.

I really love people. I don't say that to build myself up, because there are many days that I wish I could just turn that part of me off. But I really do love people. Josh said it was probably a good thing when I decided not to be a therapist, because he wasn't sure I'd be able to handle other people's problems to that extent, because they usually affect me so personally.

I love a lot of people that don't follow Christ, including parts of my family.

So when I heard that God lords over Hell as well as Heaven, the first thought that came to mind was the immense cruelty of it. How could a God that loves us so passionately that He sent His only begotten Son to die in an abhorrent fashion so that we might live eternally be the same God that willingly sends the people I love to Hell?

I understand the issue of original sin, and that God gives us all sorts of chances, and all of the mechanics of why it works the way it does... in the present, that is.

But if God is God, why did He create that way to begin with? He could have done it any way He pleased.

Now back to the song I heard.

I feel like I'm in shadows and walking amongst dry bones. It might sound dramatic, but I have felt so hopeless lately. There is no other word to describe it.

But I look around, and I know that God must be real. I see beauty and love and light and know that He isn't just a figment of someone's imagination or an elaborate scheme to fool people.

And if God is real, then all of Him is real, even the parts I don't like or understand.

A good friend told me Sunday evening that as hard as those parts of God are to deal with, the only acceptable option is the option to respect His sovreignty, and let that passion for the lost spur you to tell everyone you can about His love, since it really is His will that none should perish.

My heart must trust in who He is, because there is no other way to keep this fire burning. I don't want to be a dying candle - I have to be a burning, unquenchable flame. There is no in between, because in between means misery for me.

A pastor said to me yesterday that it is not wrong to ask God why - He is not afraid of our questions.

I won't stop asking why, but I want to reach the point where I stop letting the why stop me from being all God wants me to be.

Unbelievable.

"A child has no problem believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. It's only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate."
- Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

No wonder we're called to have 'childlike' faith.

I want to know, at the end of my lifetime, that I have not doubted or hesitated simply because I can't believe in something because it seems implausible.

After all, the people remembered for their lives are the ones that dared to believe, not the ones who played it safe.

Brainiacs.

I'm a double major at Trevecca. While my primary major is worship arts, I'm also a psychology major as well. 

This semester, I'm taking Physiological Psychology, a class designed to teach about the physiological roots and causes of behaviour. Our big assignment aside from tests is a presentation on the topic of our choice related to one of the sections of the course. I chose to do mine on a book called The Brain That Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge, M.D. It was recommended by the professor, and I borrowed it from him for a few days and decided just to purchase the book myself for my library.

What I didn't expect was to be so blown away by the concept and implications of this book. As the title indicates, the subject is the ability our brains have to change and fix themselves in ways most people think is impossible, even for adults with brain damage or mental disabilities and illnesses, or the elderly. 

I won't bore you with the technical details, but it's fascinating stuff. I'm only 92 pages into the book (3 chapters), but I can't wait to keep reading.

[side note]

This is a weird phenomenon. I can't remember the last time I read something for a class that I couldn't wait to pick up again.

[end side note]

The most interesting part, to me, is the fact that things we feel are incurable mental illnesses may not all be hopeless causes. Children with learning disabilities may not necessarily have to live with those problems the rest of their lives. Getting old doesn't automatically mean you have to get mentally screwed up.

I tell you all this because I am profoundly impacted by the spiritual implications of all this.

To preface, I will say that one of my favorite quotes of all time is from the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown: "Religion and science are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand." 

It annoys me when people assume that because science sometimes seems to conflict with our understanding of faith, that science is bad or evil, or that God doesn't use science for His glory. I not only disagree with this, I think that God gave us intelligence to figure out things like how to create medicines that cure or treat diseases, or how to get a man on the moon, and to say that medicine isn't just as much of a miracle as a spontaneously cured sickness is pretty naive. The same goes for those who claim that things like psychology and other kinds of therapy aren't miraculous or glorifying to God. 

God created us with bodies and brains that are constantly changing, adapting, and growing. Sometimes, things go wrong with those brains and bodies. It's irresponsible not to use the knowledge and reasoning power we're graced with by our Creator to figure out how to correct these wrongs. 

And it's so important not to demean or in any way insult scientific methods of bettering our lives, health, and knowledge. There is a point where we as Christians should deal with issues such as the sanctity of life, but that's not the kind of thing I'm referring to here.

If our brain has the ability to re-write its neural pathways to overcome brain damage, I think we can safely say that God is not only creative, but really smart. Why try to put Him in a box?

The evolution of the Christian college student.

Do you ever read Stuff Christians Like?

It's a hilarious blog by Jon Acuff (with one serious post each week) about amusing things that Christians and 'church' people do.

So, before you read on, know that this post is meant to be funny. If I like it enough (or someone else tells me they do), I might even submit to SCL as a guest poster. :)

The evolution of the Christian college student.

Being a Christian college student is quite something apart than being a regular college student. This chasm is further divided when said student also attends a Christian college. Because of this, the way he or she changes during his/her college years will look... different. Below are the various stages in the evolution of the Christian college student.

The Social Butterfly

This is the beginning of freshman year. You know the most important thing is to make as many friends as possible - these will be the people you cry with, and grow spiritually with, and debate whether or not it's okay (read: sinful) to break any of the 1320498234 rules imposed upon you. In this stage, you spend 2 hours getting ready every morning at 6 AM. You'll wear all of your trendiest clothes by the end of the first two weeks, and then after actually doing your laundry in a timely fashion, you will begin that cycle over, mixing and matching until you have the coolest wardrobe of anyone in the freshman class. You make witty remarks in your classes, and make sure everyone has heard the newest song you wrote, which is easy, because you spend a great deal of your time sitting in the quad with your guitar.

The Studious College Kid

In the middle of your second semester of freshman year, you will hear someone in chapel quote Colossians 3:23 ("Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men") and realize that your C- average first semester was a slap in the face to Jesus. Your late nights become study times instead of social interaction, and you begin taking notes in all your classes. Weeks pass, and you realize you have no idea what has happened on Glee (or SportsCenter, if you're a guy) or that Bobby and Missy broke up because Bobby said a swear word. But that doesn’t matter – your homework is for the Lord.

The Cool Sophomore

Sophomore year begins, and (after the loneliest and most boring summer of your life) you realize that studies must be balanced out for time with your friends. While you are still rather immature (especially when you complain about your class load - just ask any senior), you start to come into your own and loosen up a little. This is probably the time you will begin using more colorful words in your vocabulary and do a little experimental drinking (the likelihood of that second part goes up when you go to a school that strictly prohibits this). It is the carefree and slightly rebellious attitude of this stage that leads to the next, 

The Annoying Couple

You meet the man or woman of your dreams. They make gooey eyes at you every 1.039 seconds, until you gradually forget that you ever had any other friends, and can't be within 30 feet of each without at least holding hands. Everyone in your vicinity turns away from your vomit-inducing ways and wait for you to finally, finally have your first fight. As the school year comes to a close, you will most likely be caught in every meal time crying because you can't face the thought of 4 months apart. By this time, you've both gained at least 20 pounds. You'll definitely be married by the end of next year.

The Philosophical Guru

During the first two weeks of junior year, you realize the person you're supposed to be in love with is kind of weird. After an awkward breakup, you hear a professor mention something about Descartes or Aristotle or some other dead guy, and your view of the world dramatically changes. Forget fixing your hair or caring about your clothes - by this time, you've stopped doing laundry very often, and start re-wearing your comfy pair of torn-up jeans, v-necks, and the athletic shorts you now own in every color. You can't make it through a class (or lunch, for that matter), without starting some obnoxious debate about something no one wants to talk about.

The Frazzled Almost-Graduate

At some point, you see that no one cares about most of what you've been so stressed out about. Some spiritual experience begins to make you realize that maybe, it is important to take some things on faith and stop worrying all the time. However, that's really hard, because you're being faced with 18 hours of classes that feel like it might as well be a thousand, with all the reading and homework you're supposed to be doing. You probably start dating again, but you don't go insane this time, because you've now got your career to worry about. Eventually, you even begin to try fixing your hair and wearing acceptable clothing, in case you ever want to get a good job recommendation from a prof. Every time someone asks you, "What are you going to do when you graduate," you politely smile (remember, they could help you find your first good job) and respond with an, "I'm not exactly sure yet," all the while wishing you could scream and pull your hair from your head because the thought of graduation is petrifying. Between working nights making minimum wage somewhere (or, if you're lucky, in the school cafeteria), homework, your significant other, and cracking open your Bible on occasion, you've no longer got any time to think about much else.

The I've-Got-It-All-Together Graduate

Somehow, the second you graduate, everything seems to come together. You'll probably work at a boring office job for a few months while waiting for your first "real job" to pan out, but you got married in May, so that occupies a lot of your time now. The slower pace of your life and the little bit of money you now have allowed you to re-work your wardrobe into something reasonable. Oh, and all of your friends still in college hate you every time they see you update your Facebook page.

Do you know any Christian college students?

Perspective.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past several months. 

I have conquered some of my inner demons, and I have suffered some of the most devastating letdowns in my life to this point. I have begun to learn how to overcome some self-esteem problems that were getting to the point of being internally debilitating, and I am struggling to resolve some other issues in my life that seem impossible.

Throughout all of this, I have become even better at self-analysis.

Which is great.

Except sometimes, my emotions completely overwhelm me. I am aware of those emotions, and I could explain them to you in detail.

However, explaining my emotions to you doesn't seem to get me anywhere. Because, even though my counselor tells me that, "Emotions will always trump logical thought," I know that doesn't mean it's intelligent to let feelings control my life.

I'm going to let you in on something.

Sometimes, I'm not a happily married person. I am married to one of the gentlest, kindest, most loving men on the planet, and he is good to me. But marriage is hard work a lot of the time, and I'm human, and selfish, and stupid sometimes. 

There are days (especially when I feel entirely overwhelmed and hopeless) that I get angry at God for letting me be frustrated with my marriage. These days are horrible, and I don't like the feeling that my life isn't the way I want it to be. It's mostly irrational and silly, but emotions seriously do overpower me at times.

This brings me to the point of this post - perspective.

I heard something on Sunday at All School Praise & Worship (a Welcome Week event at Trevecca) about a guy that spent the past summer in Bulgaria. At one point, he mentioned something about sex trafficking. He said that there are girls at 14 who have been sold to men as sex slaves and forced to marry them.

You know what God whispered in my ear, right then?

"how fortunate you are to have had the choice to marry whomever and whenever you pleased. how blessed you are to be in a relationship that is both consensual and fulfilling, with a man who desperately cares for you, and would never take advantage of you as a person or treat you like an object."

Whoa.

In an instant, my complaints suddenly seemed childish and immensely selfish.

Does it really matter that I am not happy every day, 100% of the time?

Does it really matter that I am restricted from certain selfish actions based on what my faith says is right and wrong?

Does it really matter that my selfish needs are so insurmountably absurd that they can never be fully met...

...when across the world, there are women - 

who will never know what true love feels like.

who will never know the gentle touch of a husband who wants nothing but to be everything she needs.

who will spend their entire lives unable to make even one personal decision.

who will be objectified, abused, raped, molested, disfigured, and even killed, for no other reason, than that they are female.

Thus: perspective.

Are there selfish motives in your life that could be remedied with a bit of the right perspective?

Homosexuality. Go.

Step 1: Watch this video. (do your best to ignore the little pieces of commentary posted on the video, so that you can form your own opinions)

Step 2: Tell me what you think about it. Is it truth, is it hate, is it dumb, is it smart?