I made it...

There's a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir called "I Made It."

Some of the lyrics are:

I've been through many hard trials,
I couldn't explain it, no, I didn't know why,
why I had to go through so much pain;
but praise the Lord, today there is healing in His name.

I made it, so thankful,
I never could have made it this far without the Lord.
Through sorrow (He was my comfort and all my strength).
Through heartache (Jesus healed all of my sins).
Depression (now I can sing).


I think it's important to point out that even though the title of the song is "I Made It," the point is not to say that I have arrived (I never could have made it this far without the Lord). I did make it through Thanksgiving. It was really difficult, and I still cry a lot. But God is moving me through, one step at a time.

My pastor, Lindell Cooley, did a sermon last week on thankfulness. He made an amazing illustration about unthankfulness - if there is a huge sheet of white paper on a wall, and there is a black dot in the middle of it, you will focus on the black dot, not the rest of the white. If the black dot is the crappy stuff going on in your life, the white stuff is all the things you should be thankful for. We should learn to focus on the white paper, not the black dot.

It's just so hard when the black dot discolors everything else in your life.

But I'm working on it.

Love hurts. I wish it wasn't so complicated.

Entertainment Value.

I have seen the new Harry Potter movie twice in two days.

It's phenomenal.

The first night, I saw it with my two best friends, Justin and Steven, and Steven's roommate, Chad, whom I also love.

We had a great time, especially after watching the amusing adolescents dressed up like specific characters as they volunteered themselves to reenact scenes from any of the books and/or movies.

Last night, I went with my friend Casey.

We had an awesome time, too. I bought a Gryffindor scarf for the occasion, and we enjoyed some yummy Baja Burrito before the movie.

I share all these extraneous details for one reason.

Entertainment value.

The value of entertainment, for me, is unable to be accounted. 

I can not explain the powerful catharsis I experience as a result of participating in entertainment such as a good Harry Potter flick. My emotions have been on a roller coaster for weeks, and I can't seem to get a handle on how to deal with it all... but the few hours I spend enjoying a good movie with some friends are invaluable to me.

Over the past several days, I have been struck speechless by the number of people in my life who desperately care for me. I am surrounded by an unbelievable amount of love and sincerity. This knowledge, coupled with the inexplicable peace God has granted me, is enough to keep me going for as long as necessary.

Stan Lee penned the words, "With great power comes great responsibility."

I choose to shoulder that responsibility. I am willing to do what it takes...

As long as I have friends willing to accompany their crazy chick to the movies.

Am I Losing My Mind?

My emotional well-being from last Tuesday to this Tuesday is physically palpable.


I wish I could say exactly why.


Honestly, I'm slightly concerned I might have PMDD. If you don't know what that is... well, since there are only like 3 people that can read this blog, I don't know that it's necessary I explain it. You know how to use Google.


But maybe the difference is this: I'm at the end of my rope.


So where did the additional rope come from?


There's only one answer to that question.


It's Him. It's Christ. There's no other option.


Last week, I posted on Facebook, "Is love that thing that makes your heart sing?" Becauses when I don't 'feel' like my heart is singing, I doubt my love.


Today, I sang the words, "My heart will sing no other name: Jesus."


It is that thing that makes my heart sing. But sometimes my heart tries to sing the wrong way... or forgets exactly what it's singing about.


Weeping only lasts a night. How long will this night be? In the shadow of your burdens,
It’s hard for you to see.

Though the trials you may face,
May bring you to your knees.
There’s no better place for you to be,
Then at the end of your abilities.


When you've done all you can to stand,

Stand on Him.

Though all the world around is sinking sand.

When it seems like you just can't go on,

In your weakness, He'll be strong.

When you feel like you've done everything you can,

Just stand.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days


All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord, forevermore

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

The law.

On a side note.

I don't really do anything illegal. At least nothing that comes to mind.

And yet.

Security guards make me so nervous! Forget cops... they cause me to have full on panic attacks.

But seeing a security guard just makes me jumpy. I think things like, "Don't walk too fast, it looks suspicious" or, "Keep your head up, not doing so makes you look guilty."

Now I just need to know for what it is I have a guilty conscience.

I wonder if I vandalize people's cars while sleepwalking or something...

Questions.

I have always been willing to accept and follow what I have been told.

It's how I was raised. My parents were adamant that I believe what they had to say. They also (in my opinion, inadvertently) caused me to give up a long time ago on questioning.

Questioning anything.

I'm a pastor's kid. I've been accused of being a 'goody two-shoes' so often in my life I would never be able to keep track of the number of instances. I believe that rules are NOT made to be broken, but to be followed. After all, rules cause the world to function properly - speed limits are meant to prevent car accidents, attendance policies are meant to prevent failure or mediocrity in learning or work, and when Mom said, "Stop!" I was to listen first so that I would be out of harm's way.

But I let this way of thinking bleed through to all areas of my life. 

Why is God real? Because my dad said so, and sometimes people would cry when they talk about Jesus, so it had to be true...

Who am I allowed to be, really? I'm allowed to be the person that everyone told me I was, and was supposed to be: the perky, but unpopular preacher's daughter that doesn't step a toe out of line, gets along best with adults, and can always be depended upon for an encouraging word or a helping hand.

What should I expect from others? Often failure. Sometimes joy. But mostly ignorance.

But you know what? I'm tired of accepting things at face value. And sometimes I just need to say what I'm feeling. Perhaps no one will ever read my posts. I'm not sure I want anyone to read them. I just need to say what's on my mind.

Maybe everything I know about God is skewed. Maybe a lot of it is human fabrication. Maybe He doesn't exist in the form I know or expect at all.

Maybe the person that I am and the life that I want isn't, in fact, the one everyone would expect me to want. Perhaps the life I have isn't what I want it to be.

And maybe other people are simultaneously even more disappointing and infinitely more amazing than I realize.

So I wonder as I wander. I will attempt to articulate my wonderings... but, more than anything, I just want to speak them out loud, in some form or another.

_B-Rekah