Balance.

I did a photo shoot today.

(If you're curious, the link to the album on Facebook is here.)

And below, you'll see what ended up being my favorite photo from the set:

I also had what was [hopefully] my last visit to the counselor I've been seeing at Trevecca.

One of the things my counselor said to me today was the great strides I've made in the area of learning balance.

(And here's why the photos and the counselor are related.)

After unexpectedly losing my first paid worship pastor position earlier this year, I sort of lost it. Regardless of whether or not it was reasonable or normal, that is simply what happened. One of the things I warred within internally was the disparity between what I know God has called me to do, and my utter revulsion with the thought of ever doing it again... which was one of the reasons I began seeing a counselor in the first place.

The two sides were this:

1. I feel like the basic idea I've heard growing up (not necessarily even from my parents, just from people in general) about a call to ministry is that when God makes it clear to you He wants you to serve in ministry, it means that is automatically supposed to be your full-time, lifetime career.

2. I knew, at that point, that the prospect of accepting a full-time worship ministry position, especially one that would require my family to move away from Nashville, was something I didn't even want to think about considering.

So how can I deal with the fact I don't want to do what it is I'm supposed to be doing?

Next, we come to the photo shoot.

Like I said, my favorite photo of the day is the one shown above. The best thing for me about it is the simplicity of it. Anna-Laura is wearing a simple shirt and scarf. Her hair is pulled back. The only thing behind her is a brick wall.

While reviewing the pictures, a good photographer/videographer friend of mine, whose opinion I greatly respect, said this:

"I like this one - it's really simple."

Simplicity is often the best way to come up with a fantastic picture; and, in life, simplicity is often the best way find balance.

Then I realized something simple... and it kind of rocked my world.

Are you ready for this?

When God calls you to something, it probably won't fit in the box you create for it.

Did you catch that?

I have found myself, so many times, utterly perplexed at the reasons God allows certain things to happen. I am disappointed, hurt, and even confused by things I see as negatives. However, I am beginning to see that the reason for much of that is my inability to understand that God is not me, and therefore doesn't live in my own little universe.

God revealed to me, over the course of several years, that He wanted me to be a worship leader. He gifted me musically and gave me a passion for the use of the arts in worship, and I plan on using those gifts and passions to their fullest potential.

But I am not limited to the role of "worship pastor."

A church does not need to pay my salary.

Does any of that mean I am forever closed to the idea of being employed, either part-time or as my only job, by a church body? No way.

Does that mean I have the freedom to seek employment and volunteer opportunities wherever God leads, not just the little segment of the world I try to force my "calling" into?

Yes. That is precisely what it means.

In fact, I am leading worship with a few friends of mine for the young adults service at my church on Sunday night.

The playlist for the set is here.

I'm very much looking forward to it... and I already can't wait to do it again.



[Look for my next post, coming soon: Freedom from Shame.]

Hell.

I heard a song today called "Fires" by Matt Redman.

These are the lyrics:

We're standing in the desert of dry bones
But still we see Your life
Walking through the valley of shadows
But holding onto light
And we're waiting, waiting on You, God
And our hearts will trust, trust in who You are

God who keeps our fires burning
Burning through the darkest night
See the hope in our hearts
The faith in our eyes
You can move the highest mountain
You can keep our dreams alive
You're the joy of our hearts
You're the fire in our eyes

Light up our lives with holy flame
All for the honor of Your name
Give us the strength to face the day, Jesus

I have been struggling lately. I wish I could say there was only one cause or source of tension, but I can't. Suffice it to say that it's been a long few months.

Here are two big issues I'm dealing with:

1. I feel like my dream of being a worship pastor has died.
2. I can't reconcile the Biblical notion of Hell with the God that loves me.

Double whammy, eh?

If we begin with number one, you will recall that I lost my first official worship pastorette in June. I'm not dealing with it well, to say the least, even though I know it is something that happens very often, to a lot of people. It's hitting me hard because I'm really scared, and I am trying to think of any way out of ever having to do it again, if I can.

I'm scared because...
I feel like it proved I'm not good enough to be someone's pastor.
I got very close to people that I'm afraid don't even know I exist anymore.
I feel like I lost a second dad when my pastor moved away and stopped contacting me.
I made a few big decisions related to that job that I now regret (moving 30 minutes outside of town and not auditioning for PR again this year, to name the two most prominent).
I see my future as a worship pastor including the entire month of June every year (when contracts are renewed) being a source of stress, worry, and unnecessary freak-outs.

But mostly, I'm scared because of how poorly I'm coping. How can I be strong enough to shepherd others if I fall apart like this?

Now, let's move on to number two. Hell.

Sunday afternoon, I heard a line from a sermon that threw me for a loop, and I haven't been able to shake the concept from my head since.

Basically, the pastor pointed out (and backed up with Scripture) the fact that an eternity in Hell is not an eternity apart from God. God is the one "in charge" of Hell, not Satan.

That really sucks.

I really love people. I don't say that to build myself up, because there are many days that I wish I could just turn that part of me off. But I really do love people. Josh said it was probably a good thing when I decided not to be a therapist, because he wasn't sure I'd be able to handle other people's problems to that extent, because they usually affect me so personally.

I love a lot of people that don't follow Christ, including parts of my family.

So when I heard that God lords over Hell as well as Heaven, the first thought that came to mind was the immense cruelty of it. How could a God that loves us so passionately that He sent His only begotten Son to die in an abhorrent fashion so that we might live eternally be the same God that willingly sends the people I love to Hell?

I understand the issue of original sin, and that God gives us all sorts of chances, and all of the mechanics of why it works the way it does... in the present, that is.

But if God is God, why did He create that way to begin with? He could have done it any way He pleased.

Now back to the song I heard.

I feel like I'm in shadows and walking amongst dry bones. It might sound dramatic, but I have felt so hopeless lately. There is no other word to describe it.

But I look around, and I know that God must be real. I see beauty and love and light and know that He isn't just a figment of someone's imagination or an elaborate scheme to fool people.

And if God is real, then all of Him is real, even the parts I don't like or understand.

A good friend told me Sunday evening that as hard as those parts of God are to deal with, the only acceptable option is the option to respect His sovreignty, and let that passion for the lost spur you to tell everyone you can about His love, since it really is His will that none should perish.

My heart must trust in who He is, because there is no other way to keep this fire burning. I don't want to be a dying candle - I have to be a burning, unquenchable flame. There is no in between, because in between means misery for me.

A pastor said to me yesterday that it is not wrong to ask God why - He is not afraid of our questions.

I won't stop asking why, but I want to reach the point where I stop letting the why stop me from being all God wants me to be.

Unbelievable.

"A child has no problem believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. It's only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate."
- Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

No wonder we're called to have 'childlike' faith.

I want to know, at the end of my lifetime, that I have not doubted or hesitated simply because I can't believe in something because it seems implausible.

After all, the people remembered for their lives are the ones that dared to believe, not the ones who played it safe.

Brainiacs.

I'm a double major at Trevecca. While my primary major is worship arts, I'm also a psychology major as well. 

This semester, I'm taking Physiological Psychology, a class designed to teach about the physiological roots and causes of behaviour. Our big assignment aside from tests is a presentation on the topic of our choice related to one of the sections of the course. I chose to do mine on a book called The Brain That Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge, M.D. It was recommended by the professor, and I borrowed it from him for a few days and decided just to purchase the book myself for my library.

What I didn't expect was to be so blown away by the concept and implications of this book. As the title indicates, the subject is the ability our brains have to change and fix themselves in ways most people think is impossible, even for adults with brain damage or mental disabilities and illnesses, or the elderly. 

I won't bore you with the technical details, but it's fascinating stuff. I'm only 92 pages into the book (3 chapters), but I can't wait to keep reading.

[side note]

This is a weird phenomenon. I can't remember the last time I read something for a class that I couldn't wait to pick up again.

[end side note]

The most interesting part, to me, is the fact that things we feel are incurable mental illnesses may not all be hopeless causes. Children with learning disabilities may not necessarily have to live with those problems the rest of their lives. Getting old doesn't automatically mean you have to get mentally screwed up.

I tell you all this because I am profoundly impacted by the spiritual implications of all this.

To preface, I will say that one of my favorite quotes of all time is from the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown: "Religion and science are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand." 

It annoys me when people assume that because science sometimes seems to conflict with our understanding of faith, that science is bad or evil, or that God doesn't use science for His glory. I not only disagree with this, I think that God gave us intelligence to figure out things like how to create medicines that cure or treat diseases, or how to get a man on the moon, and to say that medicine isn't just as much of a miracle as a spontaneously cured sickness is pretty naive. The same goes for those who claim that things like psychology and other kinds of therapy aren't miraculous or glorifying to God. 

God created us with bodies and brains that are constantly changing, adapting, and growing. Sometimes, things go wrong with those brains and bodies. It's irresponsible not to use the knowledge and reasoning power we're graced with by our Creator to figure out how to correct these wrongs. 

And it's so important not to demean or in any way insult scientific methods of bettering our lives, health, and knowledge. There is a point where we as Christians should deal with issues such as the sanctity of life, but that's not the kind of thing I'm referring to here.

If our brain has the ability to re-write its neural pathways to overcome brain damage, I think we can safely say that God is not only creative, but really smart. Why try to put Him in a box?

The evolution of the Christian college student.

Do you ever read Stuff Christians Like?

It's a hilarious blog by Jon Acuff (with one serious post each week) about amusing things that Christians and 'church' people do.

So, before you read on, know that this post is meant to be funny. If I like it enough (or someone else tells me they do), I might even submit to SCL as a guest poster. :)

The evolution of the Christian college student.

Being a Christian college student is quite something apart than being a regular college student. This chasm is further divided when said student also attends a Christian college. Because of this, the way he or she changes during his/her college years will look... different. Below are the various stages in the evolution of the Christian college student.

The Social Butterfly

This is the beginning of freshman year. You know the most important thing is to make as many friends as possible - these will be the people you cry with, and grow spiritually with, and debate whether or not it's okay (read: sinful) to break any of the 1320498234 rules imposed upon you. In this stage, you spend 2 hours getting ready every morning at 6 AM. You'll wear all of your trendiest clothes by the end of the first two weeks, and then after actually doing your laundry in a timely fashion, you will begin that cycle over, mixing and matching until you have the coolest wardrobe of anyone in the freshman class. You make witty remarks in your classes, and make sure everyone has heard the newest song you wrote, which is easy, because you spend a great deal of your time sitting in the quad with your guitar.

The Studious College Kid

In the middle of your second semester of freshman year, you will hear someone in chapel quote Colossians 3:23 ("Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men") and realize that your C- average first semester was a slap in the face to Jesus. Your late nights become study times instead of social interaction, and you begin taking notes in all your classes. Weeks pass, and you realize you have no idea what has happened on Glee (or SportsCenter, if you're a guy) or that Bobby and Missy broke up because Bobby said a swear word. But that doesn’t matter – your homework is for the Lord.

The Cool Sophomore

Sophomore year begins, and (after the loneliest and most boring summer of your life) you realize that studies must be balanced out for time with your friends. While you are still rather immature (especially when you complain about your class load - just ask any senior), you start to come into your own and loosen up a little. This is probably the time you will begin using more colorful words in your vocabulary and do a little experimental drinking (the likelihood of that second part goes up when you go to a school that strictly prohibits this). It is the carefree and slightly rebellious attitude of this stage that leads to the next, 

The Annoying Couple

You meet the man or woman of your dreams. They make gooey eyes at you every 1.039 seconds, until you gradually forget that you ever had any other friends, and can't be within 30 feet of each without at least holding hands. Everyone in your vicinity turns away from your vomit-inducing ways and wait for you to finally, finally have your first fight. As the school year comes to a close, you will most likely be caught in every meal time crying because you can't face the thought of 4 months apart. By this time, you've both gained at least 20 pounds. You'll definitely be married by the end of next year.

The Philosophical Guru

During the first two weeks of junior year, you realize the person you're supposed to be in love with is kind of weird. After an awkward breakup, you hear a professor mention something about Descartes or Aristotle or some other dead guy, and your view of the world dramatically changes. Forget fixing your hair or caring about your clothes - by this time, you've stopped doing laundry very often, and start re-wearing your comfy pair of torn-up jeans, v-necks, and the athletic shorts you now own in every color. You can't make it through a class (or lunch, for that matter), without starting some obnoxious debate about something no one wants to talk about.

The Frazzled Almost-Graduate

At some point, you see that no one cares about most of what you've been so stressed out about. Some spiritual experience begins to make you realize that maybe, it is important to take some things on faith and stop worrying all the time. However, that's really hard, because you're being faced with 18 hours of classes that feel like it might as well be a thousand, with all the reading and homework you're supposed to be doing. You probably start dating again, but you don't go insane this time, because you've now got your career to worry about. Eventually, you even begin to try fixing your hair and wearing acceptable clothing, in case you ever want to get a good job recommendation from a prof. Every time someone asks you, "What are you going to do when you graduate," you politely smile (remember, they could help you find your first good job) and respond with an, "I'm not exactly sure yet," all the while wishing you could scream and pull your hair from your head because the thought of graduation is petrifying. Between working nights making minimum wage somewhere (or, if you're lucky, in the school cafeteria), homework, your significant other, and cracking open your Bible on occasion, you've no longer got any time to think about much else.

The I've-Got-It-All-Together Graduate

Somehow, the second you graduate, everything seems to come together. You'll probably work at a boring office job for a few months while waiting for your first "real job" to pan out, but you got married in May, so that occupies a lot of your time now. The slower pace of your life and the little bit of money you now have allowed you to re-work your wardrobe into something reasonable. Oh, and all of your friends still in college hate you every time they see you update your Facebook page.

Do you know any Christian college students?

Perspective.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past several months. 

I have conquered some of my inner demons, and I have suffered some of the most devastating letdowns in my life to this point. I have begun to learn how to overcome some self-esteem problems that were getting to the point of being internally debilitating, and I am struggling to resolve some other issues in my life that seem impossible.

Throughout all of this, I have become even better at self-analysis.

Which is great.

Except sometimes, my emotions completely overwhelm me. I am aware of those emotions, and I could explain them to you in detail.

However, explaining my emotions to you doesn't seem to get me anywhere. Because, even though my counselor tells me that, "Emotions will always trump logical thought," I know that doesn't mean it's intelligent to let feelings control my life.

I'm going to let you in on something.

Sometimes, I'm not a happily married person. I am married to one of the gentlest, kindest, most loving men on the planet, and he is good to me. But marriage is hard work a lot of the time, and I'm human, and selfish, and stupid sometimes. 

There are days (especially when I feel entirely overwhelmed and hopeless) that I get angry at God for letting me be frustrated with my marriage. These days are horrible, and I don't like the feeling that my life isn't the way I want it to be. It's mostly irrational and silly, but emotions seriously do overpower me at times.

This brings me to the point of this post - perspective.

I heard something on Sunday at All School Praise & Worship (a Welcome Week event at Trevecca) about a guy that spent the past summer in Bulgaria. At one point, he mentioned something about sex trafficking. He said that there are girls at 14 who have been sold to men as sex slaves and forced to marry them.

You know what God whispered in my ear, right then?

"how fortunate you are to have had the choice to marry whomever and whenever you pleased. how blessed you are to be in a relationship that is both consensual and fulfilling, with a man who desperately cares for you, and would never take advantage of you as a person or treat you like an object."

Whoa.

In an instant, my complaints suddenly seemed childish and immensely selfish.

Does it really matter that I am not happy every day, 100% of the time?

Does it really matter that I am restricted from certain selfish actions based on what my faith says is right and wrong?

Does it really matter that my selfish needs are so insurmountably absurd that they can never be fully met...

...when across the world, there are women - 

who will never know what true love feels like.

who will never know the gentle touch of a husband who wants nothing but to be everything she needs.

who will spend their entire lives unable to make even one personal decision.

who will be objectified, abused, raped, molested, disfigured, and even killed, for no other reason, than that they are female.

Thus: perspective.

Are there selfish motives in your life that could be remedied with a bit of the right perspective?

Homosexuality. Go.

Step 1: Watch this video. (do your best to ignore the little pieces of commentary posted on the video, so that you can form your own opinions)

Step 2: Tell me what you think about it. Is it truth, is it hate, is it dumb, is it smart?

Oh no... she's up.

"Indeed, all who want to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."
- 2 Timothy 3:12

I have grown a lot over the last month. Through the help of some awesome friends, a school counselor, a committed husband, and quite a few intense worship services, I feel like I'm healing from the pain of... well... a lot of things I've been holding onto.

Amen.

I want to be the kind of woman that wakes up in the morning and the devil says, "Oh no, she's up."

[I love that saying.]

But seriously. I decided recently that it was all or nothing, in or out, Heaven or bust, if you will. You see, the only way to be really fulfilled by a life with Christ is to give yourself over to Him completely. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to happen that often. I know a lot of people (myself, included, at different points in my life) that call themselves "Christians" but don't act like Christ in, well, pretty much any way.

I know a lot of people who care more about the way someone on a church platform is dressed than by how much they love Jesus.

I know a lot of people who feel awkward if you bring Jesus up in an average conversation that doesn't take place at church.

I know a lot of people who think the way to be a follower of Christ is to follow all of the "do not's," like do not drink, do not smoke, do not have sex outside of marriage, do not swear, do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat, (and the list goes on).

All of those things are good things - they're Biblical rules for how we really should not conduct ourselves in life.

But what about all of the DO's?

We leave those poor little do's out quite a bit.

For example: 

"Proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching." - 2 Timothy 4:2

"[May] supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for everyone, for kings and all who are in high positions..." - 1 Timothy 2:1-2a

"Putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger... Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear...be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 4:24-5:2 (sections)

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." - Ephesians 6:1

"Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women." - Ephesians 6:7

"Be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 2:1-5

I could find many more verses like these, but you get the point, I'm sure.

Now, before you stop reading because you think I'm Jesus juking you (please click here if you don't know what a Jesus juke is), please understand that I have no problem having average conversations that don't mention Jesus. I also want to have fun and laugh and sometimes just be a goofball - I'm not advocating that we spend 100% of our lives being overly serious and contemplative.

However, I feel like we have a problem in mainstream Christianity, and that problem is that we've convinced ourselves that life filled with Christ is the same as life without Him, except that we follow some don't rules and go to church on Sunday.

But it is SO much more awesome than that.

[side note]

It took me (and it is still taking me) a long time, and a grueling process of constant surrender to even begin to understand or truly believe what I'm about to say. It's a daily thing, and it's not easy. This is as much for me as it is for anyone else.

[end side note]

Life with Christ is about living each day as a selfless, loving person, intent on proclaiming the message of Jesus in every situation. It's about being so in love with your Saviour that it doesn't matter what people say about you anymore, because all things are but loss for the sake of knowing Him. It's about having freedom from the chains of sin, self-doubt, lust, anger, selfishness, self-pity, materialism, fear, and pain and living in the knowledge that you are a beloved child of the Most High King.

I'm just sayin'... that sounds pretty sweet to me.

So what happened? When did it become normal to feel awkward when people bring up real, deep, faith issues if it's outside of a small group or church context? Why is it okay to hold onto anger, gossip, and slothfulness instead of living in the freedom that Christ offers?

When did we decide it was too much of a sacrifice to be persecuted for the sake of the cross that we decided to conduct our lives in a way that garners us the least amount of ridicule?

And how can we change that?

Covenant and Contract.

Let us begin by comparing the difference between these words. (These are definitions from dictionary.com and also my own brain)

Contract (n) def:

1. An agreement between two or more parties for the doing or not doing of something specified.

2. An agreement enforceable by law.

3. The written form of such an agreement.

Covenant (n) def:

1. A binding commitment between two or more parties that extends beyond the reach of legality into the attitude of the human heart.

2. Promises made between God and man that are meant never to be broken.

A very wise man made a very profound statement to me recently:

"You see your calling as a covenant with God - you enter into it with the distinct intention of completing the work He has set out for you until such a time as He leads you elsewhere. Church members, however, often see your ministry as a contract - an agreement to do certain duties."

And in an instant, I suddenly began to move on.

I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to cry and scream and complain until my eyes dried out and my throat was raw. I wanted to shake someone and yell at them that they shattered my dreams - dreams that I have already lost once.

However, no one is out to get me. No one purposefully hurt me.

Yes, I still feel pain over having a dream wrenched out of my hands. Yes, I wish the church's polity required that Biblical principles of conflict resolution be followed before dismissing a member of staff. 

But how can I expect people to understand the immense passion and connection I have with the ministry God has called me to if they don't look at it the same way?

A church member (usually, if however unfortunately) sees the "job" of a pastor/staff member much like any other job. Although they normally expect a higher level of moral integrity (which is totally reasonable), they expect a pastor to complete tasks and receive compensation for completion of those tasks. It's not exactly that simple, but it's close.

A pastor, however, understands each position he/she holds to be a covenantal agreement with God - it goes leagues beyond a contractual agreement. A pastor understands him/herself to be responsible for not only completing tasks, but being conscious and obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit as he/she faces challenges and battles that might define the outcome of someone's spiritual life.

In short, my covenant with God to lead His people in worship defines me and is how I find purpose.

Now, I am beginning to heal instead of just coping... because it is not a contractual job that gives me purpose. It is the covenant that still exists between me and God. And no amount of "failure" in the practics of fulfilling that covenant can change the fact that I made Him a promise - a promise I intend to keep.

5 reasons to read Harry Potter.

(You didn't think I could miss writing about the end of the Harry Potter movies, did you?)

Last night, my mom and I went to a 9:00 PM showing of The Deathly Hallows, part 1, then a midnight showing of part 2.

Epic. Simply epic.

I liked most of the movie, although there were some changes I didn't understand that seemed unnecessary and like they may have taken away from the story a little bit. However, overall I was extremely impressed with how it was handled.

Today, I thought it would be appropriate to share a few reasons for why you should read Harry Potter. I encourage you to watch the movies as well; but, as is true so often, the books are just a more fulfilling experience.

1. Harry Potter is this generation's redemptive Christ parallel.

If you don't already know why this statement is true, read this article. It's a well-written explanation of what I'm talking about. Spoiler alert - if you don't know how the story ends, don't read the article yet.

My dad has Lord of the Rings (by the way, great movies as well); and my grandfather had The Chronicles of Narnia (or is it the other way around? I don't know, they're both old, so we'll go with it...). While I love both of these series as well, Harry Potter is that type of story for my generation. I grew up anticipating the next move in the Harry Potter series, whether it was the next book or movie release.

As a Christian, I feel like this is the most important reason to be familiar with Harry Potter. We are extremely good at distancing ourselves from pop culture because we're afraid of it. I found the picture below on the Facebook page of a Trevecca employee - it's a great example of being petrified of pop culture and losing a possible creative outlet of worship.

[side note]

I love dance. I think it can be used as one of the most effective worship expression, if it's done well, and it makes me extremely sad that this doesn't happen, because we lumped all dance into the category of evil, lustful, provocative, please-have-sex-with-me-with-my-clothes-on dancing. If you're not aware... this is not the only form of dance.

[end side note]

We also did this with popular music. I heard a sermon once (I can't remember the preacher's name; my husband would know, if you're interested) preached by a man who was once friends with a man who worked in the music industry as a band manager. This friend was asked to be the manager of... wait for it... The Beatles! But, because it would have meant he would miss his Wednesday night Bible studies and have to work for a 'secular' band, he refused the offer. 

This person happened to be a dedicated follower of Christ. Instead of encouraging him to minister in the area God had put him, he was encouraged to stick inside the walls of the church as much as possible, and arguably the most famous band of all time, instead of having a manager who could very well have had an opportunity to lead them to Christ, ended up with someone else and led a sex and drugs revolution that drew people away from God.

NEWS FLASH... If all we ever do is stay within the church, we're never going to reach anyone else.

Back to Harry Potter... This story could be used to explain the story of Christ to non-believers. It can be used in sermon illustrations. It can be used to write books and songs and countless other pieces of art and entertainment. So... read it.

2. Hermione Granger is an awesome female role model.

Hermione is the epitome of a strong woman. Actually, she fits a lot of the points of the virtuous woman from Proverbs 31 - she holds the "family" of herself, Ron, and Harry together, taking care of them but allowing them to take the lead. She is strong without being forceful or overbearing, and throughout the course of the series, falls in love with one of her best friends, Ron Weasley. Their relationship was entirely based on trust, friendship, and deep commitment, long before it ever became romantic. 

Another reason I love Hermione is because she proves that it is possible for... (hold your breath)... a male and a female to have a platonic relationship. Harry and Hermione are best friends who have never once expressed romantic interest in one another, though they love one another deeply. As someone with a male best friend, I thought it was important to point out this fact.

I could go on, but I got most of these ideas from this article, so read on if you'd like to explore this idea more.

However, the point of a fantastically inspiring female heroine brings me to my next point...

3. Harry Potter is way better than Twilight.

Please do not get me wrong... I am Team Edward, and Team Taylor Lautner, and I will go to the Breaking Dawn midnight showings, and probably listen to and read the books several more times. I am a Twihard all the way. However, the message of Twilight is... different... than that of Harry Potter. I will admit it - while they are both stories about all different kinds of love, Twilight includes quite a bit of brooding, depressive, unhealthy romantic love. Bella spends the entire second book in a stupor of depression and numbness after being abandoned by Edward. Anyone who knows anything about romantic love knows that's very unhealthy and probably a bad relationship in which to be.

In addition to the insanity of the relationships in Twilight, it is also made clear in the series that Bella and all of the main characters don't really believe in God. Bella knows that if there is a heaven, Edward is going there because he is so amazingly perfect, but beyond that, God and religion are something ignored as unreasonable. 

[disclaimer]

While I do agree with what I've stated above, there are a lot of really good things about the Twilight series that get overlooked by people that can't get past the brooding teenage romance. Trust me, I'll write a blog post about those very good things at some point.

[end disclaimer]

On a much less deep note, Harry Potter is also written much better than Twilight. Stephenie Meyer definitely stepped it up for Breaking Dawn, but the first three books are fraught with grammatical issues and poor writing.

4. There is no reason to stop kids from reading or watching the series if you are an involved, responsible parent.

[begin rant]

I understand the problem some people have with magic or witchcraft being used in entertainment, because they're afraid of the lure of real witchcraft and the danger it might pose to their family or community. However, Rowling uses the story of the wizarding world as a fantasy story. If we have to get rid of all magic and fantasy from our entertainment, then you'd better stop your kids from seeing Winnie the Pooh, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Barney while you're at it, because fantasy and imagination are the types of things kids really enjoy.

I do understand the issue of children mixing fantasy with reality. That's why I added the part about being an involved, responsible parent (or guardian). My mom and dad were always clear with me and my brother that things we read in books and saw on television were usually made-up stories to entertain or prove a point. They are not like the Bible or non-fiction, which are actually true stories. I think this principle applies to any kind of entertainment you allow your children, whether it be books, movies, TV shows, or playing pretend with their toys - if you can't explain to your children that there are real things are there are pretend things, well... perhaps you need to talk to someone. That's a part of being a parent. 

[end rant]

Sorry... I just hate hearing that people stop their kids from participating in entertainment because they don't want to take the time to be involved in that entertainment with their children.

I'm done.

Seriously.

5. The books are better than the movies.

No more deep stuff... on to the fun part. 

This series has the best writing of foreshadowing I think I've ever experienced while reading. There are some ridiculously interesting details you will never know if you only watch the movies, which are, admittedly, very well done (for the most part).

For example, the sixth book (The Half-Blood Prince) includes quite a few more memories of the teenage and young adult Tom Riddle that were cut from the movie for the sake of time. Those memories are some of the most interesting parts of any of the books, in my opinion. In book five (The Order of the Phoenix), the Quidditch World Cup is explored in much greater detail, which was simply fascinating. In book two (The Chamber of Secrets), the ghost of Gryffindor tower, Sir Nicholas, holds a 500th death day party (bet you've never heard of one of those, eh?).

In addition to the fact that you get more information, you are introduced to many more interesting characters. My favorite is Peeves, the Hogwarts poltergeist that is forever causing problems, especially for Mr. Filch, the caretaker of Hogwarts. 

Overall, (I'm not sure if you can tell), I really love Harry Potter and all that goes along with it. So... read it! ;)

I am not a mastadon.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I worked out yesterday. Legit worked out - I speed-walked for half an hour, then did strength training to strengthen my problem areas. Many times when I work out, I try not to push myself so hard I'll be in a lot of pain the next day, but recently, I've been feeling quite behind as the three people around whom I spend most of my time are all rapidly losing weight. So, I decided to work out every day this week I'm spending with my mom in South Carolina, and yesterday, I decided to work out hard.

This seemed like a really great, noble idea, until I woke up this morning.

The muscles from my elbows through my shoulders felt as if I had been stabbed any time I attempted to use them. The bottoms of my feet felt raw, not to mention the enormous inch-wide blisters I popped on the backs of my feet last night (ew, I know, but I'm just trying to be real here). Getting out of bed was a daunting task.

I hate waking up that way.

For my entire life, my mom has reminded me that God uses situations in our lives to model spiritual principles outlined in His Word. I know every pastor in the history of preaching has probably used this analogy, but it struck me again today how very much like spiritual warfare a workout routine is.

My goal for working out my physical body is to become healthier and better-looking. There is no point, however, at which I can say, "Okay, I've reached my physical goals. I'm going to stop working out and eating right." Even after reaching any specific goal as far as weight loss or endurance is concerned, I must continue a routine of healthy diet and exercise to maintain what I have achieved. As I age, what I do to maintain what I have must change, and, regardless of my workout regimen, my body will still continue to look and feel differently the older I get.

In the passage above, from Philippians 3, Paul talks about the fact that he is single-minded in his quest to be like Christ. He acknowledges that he will never fully achieve his goal in this life, but wants to have all the good and the bad that is involved in this race.

I can't look and feel better without working hard and going through some physical suffering. In the same way, I can not grow spiritually without difficult work, decisions, and some pain. My husband impresses me with a particularly interesting doctrine he seems to have really identified with from one of his favorite preachers. I don't know the specific phrase he uses, but it is basically the idea that if we truly glory in our taking part with Christ's sufferings, we won't complain or be upset when we suffer, because we know it only makes us stronger, better followers of Christ.

I'm not quite there yet. I've always been a bit of a ninny when it comes to any sort of pain, physical, or emotional. I'm pretty much the opposite of a masochist.

But it's a thought, isn't it? If we are truly so selfless that any sufferings we endure cause us nothing but joy, what does that mean for how we live our lives?

One thing is certainly true... the church would look very different.

Hug Ministry.

We need more hug ministry in the world.

Yesterday evening, I had the pleasure of joining some dear friends of mine for a young adult gathering with Grace Church, the church Josh and I attended previously and plan on attending in the near future. Although I have missed a lot of recent activity with them because of my responsibility elsewhere, I always know that getting together with the young adults of Grace Church means the Holy Spirit is going to come, and I will experience with them the presence of God and His transformational power.

If you didn't catch that, I'm saying that I bawl like a baby almost every time I go. That, or dance around like a nut. We're talking raw, uncontained worship. It's seriously awesome.

So, last night, Josh and I set out for Spring Hill. On our way, he wanted to listen to a sermon, but I don't seem to be able to handle his typical podcast sermon at the moment. The best way I can describe it is to quote Josh's mother explaining to me once that, "Sometimes I can't handle loud and intense worship or church, because I'm so broken that it just causes me to cry. Sometimes, I just need gentle and quiet, to know God loves and hears me."

When I explained this to Josh, he offered to change the sermon to a Joel Osteen message.

[disclaimer]

I am not really a Joel Osteen fan. He's usually pretty cheesy, and I typically prefer sermons with some meat to them - you know, more like... my dad, or Lindell Cooley. And much less cheese. However...

[end disclaimer]

I needed that yesterday. The only Joel Osteen sermon available on podcast was actually a New Year's sermon, bringing in 2011. We didn't quite finish it, but I listened for about 20 minutes to someone reminding me that it is God's will that we prosper - not like the health-and-wealth kind of prosperity, necessarily, but the kind of prosperity that means we grow spiritually and experience the very best God has for us.

It's not God's will that I stay depressed forever. I have to be willing, then, to stay alert for when God says, "Move," or, "Go."

Needless to say, it was what I needed to hear yesterday. It is, unfortunately, easy to forget sometimes that God is truly on my side.

I'm so affected by other people, and as much as it's drilled into us that we can't let other people's opinions or actions affect us, full-time ministry actually hinges a lot on whether or not people like us. My recent experience is a testament to it - regardless of how good a job you do or how hard you try, if people aren't on your side, you can fail.

But when God is on your side, it doesn't matter if people push you away or mistreat you, because He always works together good for those who love Him.

[I'm sure at this point you're saying, "Okay, Rebekah, what in the world does all this have to do with hugs?" Well, I'm getting there. Stick with me.]

We arrived at Derek and Julie's house for GCYA. After sharing a meal together, we begin with a time of music and prayer. I immediately knew something was off (probably to be expected), because while during these times, I'm normally unable to contain myself from singing and lifting my hands, I sat still, staring at the floor, while everyone around me began to worship.

Have you ever seen Galaxy Quest?

There's a scene in the movie where Tim Allen is sent from the alien spaceship back to Earth in a goo container. (Yes, that is the technical term.) The jelly-like substance around him apparently protects him from the non-oxygen-ness of space (and, presumably, the cold) as he hurtles back to his planet. When he arrives back at his house, the goo sort of slides off of him until he is freed from it.

Look, here's a picture!

I felt like I had this goo covering me last night. Actually, the visualization of this in my head was almost funny enough to make me laugh, except for the fact that I felt so distanced from what was going on around me. It was as if nothing could penetrate this invisible prison.

Basically, it felt horrible.

[side note]

I think, given the nature of what is bothering me so much, that music in worship will be the hardest thing for me to find joy in again. I'm not quite so distressed by Bible study or most other kinds of non-music-related worship. But music is hard - every few minutes, I'd find myself thinking something like, "Oh, that song would work really well at church," only to remember I don't have a music ministry anymore. This is definitely going to be a process - falling in love with worship music again isn't going to be easy.

[end side note]

After we finished singing, Julie (one of the owners of the house, and also one of our young adult groups' leaders) said she would like for people who were experiencing particularly difficult seasons in their lives to come to the middle of the living room so they could be surrounded by prayers.

DING DING DING. That's me.

Josh squeezed my foot when she made this declaration, fully aware that I am not usually a big fan of being in the center of a prayer circle. He knew, as well as I, that there was no way I was volunteering myself for this. Then, she said those terrifyingly magic words,

"I'm warning you now, if I know you're going through something, I'm just going to call you out."

And whose name would be first, but mine?

(No one's, that's why I'm telling you this story.)

Grudgingly, I rose to the center of the room, with about 5 or 6 other women. The ones of us in the center held hands while the people surrounding us laid hands on our shoulders or backs and began to pray.

Well, they prayed. I stared at the floor some more. The human contact was nice, though. (My love language is touch. 'Nuff said.)

[disclaimer]

I don't care if you think I'm weird. If you have a problem with the Holy Spirit moving in ways you don't understand, that's your problem, not mine. So stop reading and go pray.

No, but for real.

[end disclaimer]

After a few minutes, some of the people around me shifted, and Julie came around behind me and began to pray for me. She started making the weirdest movement with her hand on my back, like she was pulling something away from me. I don't know how else to describe what happened next but that it was like she was pulling off that weird gooey prison from me. I seriously felt it leave my body, and as soon as it did, I got colder, because I could actually feel the air from the fan above me that I hadn't been able to feel before. I started getting the tinglies I sometimes feel when men and women of God are praying for me.

And I could finally pray.

I started to ask God why it is He had led me into a place just to be rejected by it, why this amount of pain had to be part of the process. And, most importantly of all, (at least to me), I wanted to know why they didn't like me.

As soon as I said this phrase in my head, another amazing friend that was standing next to me, Alaina, released my hand, turned to me, and hugged me.

I don't know that I've ever known that much for sure that God really does love me. All of me, with every fault and personality flaw, every part of me that I secretly loathe, and all my thoughts and dreams and hopes and doubts - He loves me. Period.

We need more hug ministry. Sometimes, that's what it takes. There are so many times that words are inadequate to express how we feel or what we need to say. Those are the times the silent gestures mean so much more, because they say much more than words ever could.

As Alaina hugged me and quietly prayed for me, I began to cry. I heard Derek, Julie's husband, praying to my left, saying, "Show her she belongs."

God is so much smarter than me. He knows exactly what I need, and when I need it. At this point, I did not need an eloquent, 45-minute sermon, or a drawn-out music set. I needed a hug and a few words. And I needed the faith of my friends that God was going to bring me the peace I so desperately desired.

Next time you have a friend who is suffering and you don't know what to say... give them a hug.

Perfect in weakness?

I got really upset over something very small yesterday.

I've been fighting a lot lately with one of my best friends. This fighting is made rather more complicated by the fact he is also Josh's and my roommate.

I'm not going to explain why, because, frankly, it's no one's business and it's probably stupid, anyway. That's not the point of this post.

However, the fact that we've been arguing quite a bit puts both of us a little more on edge.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was waiting for him to get home so that we could go to Taco Tuesday at my husband's restaurant and chill out with our friend, Derek. We do this almost every Tuesday, unless I'm out of town for some reason. After getting cleaned up from work, he walked out of his bathroom... and told me he was going to go hang out with some other friends... and then he was gone.

No warning. No polite text to tell me when he made those plans, "Hey, you should probably figure out something else to do tonight than Taco Tuesday, because I'm going out."

Well... suffice it to say I didn't take it well.

See, I have been struggling a lot lately with my self-worth and feelings of rejection, ever since the "church incident," as I have thus dubbed it.

When your best friend leaves you hanging without a warning, it is really easy to let all of those struggles bubble quickly back up to the surface.

I began to cry, and drove out to Taco Tuesday alone, to find that Derek wasn't working yesterday. Upon finding out I would have to eat alone, I turned around and drove home. When I parked in our apartment's lot, I again had that same trouble with my car key not coming out of my ignition, which made me cry harder and scream loudly at my car.

Eventually, after fenagling my key out, I ran back into my apartment, and got in bed.

At 6:30 PM.

I don't know that I've ever done that before; that is, spent an entire evening in bed because I felt so depressed.

[If you can't tell yet, this story is getting increasingly embarrassing - however, I promised myself I would be really honest here, and this is kind of an important moment for me. So don't laugh]

Josh got home from work at around 10:30 to find me there, tossing and turning, attempting to listen to an audiobook. As good husbands do, he crawled in bed next to me and held me close as I finally fell asleep.

I feel so empty right now. Between so many broken promises, both ones that you would know if you've been keeping up with this blog and ones that are not public knowledge, and so many lies, and so many uncertainties, it is difficult to keep up a happy face - something I normally pride myself on being able to do.

The reason for this emptiness lies, I believe, in the fact that I feel so powerless and weak. I can't stop anyone lying to me, or letting me down, or not being able to give me an answer. I can't force people to spend time with me if that's not what they want to do. And I can't make the last several months, or few years, go away, no matter how much I want to.

I read a post on stuffchristianslike.net today that I posted to my Facebook wall. Jon Acuff discussed his frustration with weakness and failure, and the words he said pierced right into my heart.

2 Corinthians 12 says, "In order to keep me from being conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."

I can't even read this passage on my screen without tearing up.

There's an old hymn that keeps popping into my head as I read, however.

For His grace is sufficient for me,
And His love is abundant and free
O what joy floods my soul
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me!

Many times I'm tried and tested 
As I travel day by day
'Oft I meet with pain and sorrow
And there's trouble in the way
But I have a sweet assurance
That my soul, the Lord will lead
And in Him there is strength for every need

When the tempter brings confusion
And I don't know what to do
On my knees, I turn to Jesus
For He'll always see me through
Then despair is changed to vict'ry
Every doubt just melts away
And in Him, there is hope for every day

I have tried and tried every day for the past couple of weeks to hang on to this weakness, to handle this pain myself. Avoiding devotions, distracting myself with pointless entertainment, and spending a great deal of time playing games are a few of the methods I've used to refuse to cast this on Jesus. But I don't have strength anymore to do it. If I continue on this path, I am afraid of what I would become. I already barely recognize myself with all this anger and self-pity spilling out of every orifice.

I'm exhausted.

But in Him, there is hope for every day. His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning.

Now, I need to remember what it feels like to lean on Him.

Baby, you're a firework.

Come on, show 'em what you're worth.

I don't know if that's much of a compliment.

Fireworks are very short-lived. They're beautiful for just a moment, and then they're gone. I think of fireworks like people who get their 15 minutes of fame - they're there for a few moments and then you forget about them.

I don't want to be short-lived.

I don't want what my life means to build up to some sort of climax and fizzle out.

I think slow and steady really does win the race.

Do I have the patience necessary for this type of life?

I suppose we'll see.

Easier said than done.

St. Francis of Assisi penned these words as a prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, 
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.


There is a reason St. Francis penned this as a prayer, requesting that these things would be so: because this is a bunch of ridiculously hard stuff.

Ideally, it would be awesome if any of us could say these things are true of ourselves. I believe these are qualities that Christ can write onto our hearts, and I know individuals whom I believe demonstrate these actions.

It's much easier said than done.

Sectumsempra.

I saw the preview today for the final Harry Potter flick.

Oh. My. Word. I am so excited I could barely make it through the trailer without squealing.

I noticed something about Harry Potter a few days ago. I'm listening through the audiobooks before watching the last movie, just to get myself totally caught up.

(The following is a brief story from HP. If you don't like or want to read it, you can skip down to the point.)

In the fifth book, Harry sees a memory of Professor Snape's that recounts a time in which Harry's father picked on Snape for no reason, resulting in a row between Snape and James Potter. During this confrontation, Snape uses a spell on James (we're not given the name of it) that causes a gash to appear on his cheek. This curse, "Sectumsempra," appears in the next book, although if you weren't paying very close attention to the story I just mentioned, you wouldn't realize it was the same spell. Actually, if you caught it the first time, you would know that Professor Snape is, in fact, the Half-Blood Prince, a piece of information that's actually rather important.

J.K. Rowling uses a ton of these type of situations, foreshadowing, very sneakily, storylines yet to come. However, if you aren't extremely observant or don't remember seemingly insignificant details, you wouldn't see connections in the story until reading the books again (and maybe again and again, like I have).

(Here is the point:)

I use this random anecdote to illustrate a point: when we are flitting about our daily lives, doing those things we need to do and make time for, we don't see little things. We (or at least I) don't know the effect particular relationships truly have on us, or the utter dependence we have on places, or people, or things. It's easy to miss these things because we don't have the full story. The same may also be said for situations we don't understand. In my own life, I am referring to my unexpectedly short term as a worship pastor at my former church.

I have said more than once recently that I am tired of hearing statements (that I know are meant to help lift me up) like, "God didn't want you there," or, "This just means there was a better place for you to be," or, "God has a bigger plan." None of these statements is inherently incorrect, or negative in nature. They are meant to remind me that this is not "the end." I understand the purpose. But hearing this same thing over and over is eventually more frustrating than helpful.

Maybe that's only because I don't know the whole story.

Maybe in 10 years I will look back on this time and smile, realizing how it directed the rest of my life at this time.

Maybe I'll never know why.

However, I think it is more likely, seeing as how God often seems to work, that He is using little things I can't see to write my story, even though I don't know why or how yet.

Maybe the reason I feel so frustrated hearing these encouraging statements over and over is because I'm afraid of what else God might ask me to do in the future. If this experience, difficult and demanding and intimidating as it was, wasn't "it," what else could possibly be in store?

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

A New Day.

"It's a new day,
Oh, it's a new time and there's a
New way
I'm gonna live my life,
Oh, the old has passed away
And the new has come
Thank God, it's a brand new day!"

I love this song by Avalon. The music reflects the positive, upbeat message of the lyrics, not to mention it's got a fantastically fun female lead part to sing (for example, when alone in the car, using my cell phone as a makeshift microphone).

The theme of the song is (obviously) the transformational change made when a non-believer accepts Christ.

I feel like it can also apply to a lot of other situations in life - for instance, the transition from something comforting and familiar. Singing this in truth requires (at least at this point in my journey) the gumption to say that I will rejoice in change and growth and newness. This isn't easy for someone who doesn't like change. I'm not exactly addicted to a schedule, and I like a certain change of pace, but I rely on the familiar to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I tend to feel overwhelmed.

But I decide how I'm going to feel. I'm not letting other people decide for me.

So, I'm going on a hot date tonight with my fantastic husband, who has been a rock these past weeks during my emotional turmoil, never pushing me to "feel better" simply because he wants me to, or forcing me to do anything I didn't want. We're going to the walking bridge in downtown Nashville after a nice dinner, and I hope to get some pictures.

Thank God every day is a brand new day.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

- Lamentations 3:21-26

Depression.

Wow. Way to start a cheerful post.

I haven't written for awhile. I realized that I only write here when I'm feeling down... I think that will change. I want to be able to look back and see good things in my life as well as the bad.

However, that day is not today. Today I am sad. And I'm very tired of being sad.

A very dear friend of mine lied to me recently. Although I am sure this happens much more often than I am aware, it hurt. A lot. I've been hurt by my closest friends before (we probably all have), and it always seems to revolve around the same issue. Unfortunately, this puts me in a bad place as far as future friends are concerned - when I get hurt, and it relates to the same type of situation, I react rather badly. I tend to retreat into myself and lash out should anyone attempt to bring up the subject.

Also unfortunately, a week after I found out I'd been lied to, I got even worse news: the church at which I've been serving for four months decided not to continue my ministry contract with them any longer. This came as a distinct shock, as I was not expecting anything of the sort. I don't know all the specifics as of yet, but I know I didn't "do anything wrong," the termination of my contract had more to do with poor relationships and communication. At least that's what I know for now.

I feel so broken.

You know, I think the reason I've never shared this blog with more than a few people before is because I'm so afraid that someone will know I'm sad and think badly of me. Like I mentioned before, I tend to write when I'm feeling down. As that is now changing, I think it is safe to be honest and a bit vulnerable about my feelings for the moment. And if you have a problem with my sadness... I suppose you should just stop reading.

I struggle quite a deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. This is due, in part, to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child by someone I trusted. It's also probably due to my similarity to my father, who, one of the people I respect most in the world, has dealt with the same insecurity issues much of his life (although, I would like to point out, my dad is pretty much the most awesome person in the world and has no reason for insecurity). Whatever the reasons, or excuses, or whatever you want to call them, I have a hard time ever thinking I'm good enough.

I worked for about 3 years at a company called SmileMakers in South Carolina (before transferring to Trevecca). I excelled there in a way I didn't know was possible. It was my first "real" job, and I quickly gained the attention and respect of my superiors. After a promotion, I was able to serve as the department trainer for several months, a job I both loved and enjoyed. Although I rarely made mistakes (there are some benefits to being obsessive-compulsive about one's job), anytime my boss called me to her office, my immediate thought was that I was in trouble, possibly getting fired. I never did anything to warrant this, nor was her reason for meeting with me rarely, if ever, to even reprimand me, my insecurity kicked in at those moments and caused my heart to race and my palms to get sweaty. I never shared this fact with anyone, even my husband, Josh, for I thought they would think I was insane.

After beginning my term at a church that interviewed and hired me this past March, I determined that I would not allow myself to live like that again. It was a frustrating and stressful way to work, especially as it was rather pointless, seeing as I was an excellent employee and planned on continuing as such.

Apparently, paranoia does have some basis in reality.

I have many fears now for what happens when I enter into my next church assignment. Knowing myself, I am aware that it will take quite a bit of  prayer and encouragement to handle the inner battle that will undoubtedly rage between my paranoia and peace. Will I be able to fully commit myself to another ministry position, or am I destined to constantly fear rejection and again being uprooted from where I plant myself?

The "Jesus" side of me knows that is a silly question, given I get to choose the answer - it is up to me whether or not I fully commit myself to my calling, and no one else. However, the human side of me desperately wishes to cling to my fear and self-doubt. As ridiculous as this may seem, I feel it might have something to do with security. Should I again be rejected and tossed aside, at least I will have expected it this time. Perhaps it will mean I am more prepared.

Sigh.


This has been an extremely stressful and difficult couple of weeks. I hope it gets better soon.

I think the hardest part is that I have the ability to let it get better. I'm just not sure if I have the strength or willpower to seek after that peace. Right now... I just want to sleep.