Wow. Way to start a cheerful post.
I haven't written for awhile. I realized that I only write here when I'm feeling down... I think that will change. I want to be able to look back and see good things in my life as well as the bad.
However, that day is not today. Today I am sad. And I'm very tired of being sad.
A very dear friend of mine lied to me recently. Although I am sure this happens much more often than I am aware, it hurt. A lot. I've been hurt by my closest friends before (we probably all have), and it always seems to revolve around the same issue. Unfortunately, this puts me in a bad place as far as future friends are concerned - when I get hurt, and it relates to the same type of situation, I react rather badly. I tend to retreat into myself and lash out should anyone attempt to bring up the subject.
Also unfortunately, a week after I found out I'd been lied to, I got even worse news: the church at which I've been serving for four months decided not to continue my ministry contract with them any longer. This came as a distinct shock, as I was not expecting anything of the sort. I don't know all the specifics as of yet, but I know I didn't "do anything wrong," the termination of my contract had more to do with poor relationships and communication. At least that's what I know for now.
I feel so broken.
You know, I think the reason I've never shared this blog with more than a few people before is because I'm so afraid that someone will know I'm sad and think badly of me. Like I mentioned before, I tend to write when I'm feeling down. As that is now changing, I think it is safe to be honest and a bit vulnerable about my feelings for the moment. And if you have a problem with my sadness... I suppose you should just stop reading.
I struggle quite a deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. This is due, in part, to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child by someone I trusted. It's also probably due to my similarity to my father, who, one of the people I respect most in the world, has dealt with the same insecurity issues much of his life (although, I would like to point out, my dad is pretty much the most awesome person in the world and has no reason for insecurity). Whatever the reasons, or excuses, or whatever you want to call them, I have a hard time ever thinking I'm good enough.
I worked for about 3 years at a company called SmileMakers in South Carolina (before transferring to Trevecca). I excelled there in a way I didn't know was possible. It was my first "real" job, and I quickly gained the attention and respect of my superiors. After a promotion, I was able to serve as the department trainer for several months, a job I both loved and enjoyed. Although I rarely made mistakes (there are some benefits to being obsessive-compulsive about one's job), anytime my boss called me to her office, my immediate thought was that I was in trouble, possibly getting fired. I never did anything to warrant this, nor was her reason for meeting with me rarely, if ever, to even reprimand me, my insecurity kicked in at those moments and caused my heart to race and my palms to get sweaty. I never shared this fact with anyone, even my husband, Josh, for I thought they would think I was insane.
After beginning my term at a church that interviewed and hired me this past March, I determined that I would not allow myself to live like that again. It was a frustrating and stressful way to work, especially as it was rather pointless, seeing as I was an excellent employee and planned on continuing as such.
Apparently, paranoia does have some basis in reality.
I have many fears now for what happens when I enter into my next church assignment. Knowing myself, I am aware that it will take quite a bit of prayer and encouragement to handle the inner battle that will undoubtedly rage between my paranoia and peace. Will I be able to fully commit myself to another ministry position, or am I destined to constantly fear rejection and again being uprooted from where I plant myself?
The "Jesus" side of me knows that is a silly question, given I get to choose the answer - it is up to me whether or not I fully commit myself to my calling, and no one else. However, the human side of me desperately wishes to cling to my fear and self-doubt. As ridiculous as this may seem, I feel it might have something to do with security. Should I again be rejected and tossed aside, at least I will have expected it this time. Perhaps it will mean I am more prepared.
Sigh.
This has been an extremely stressful and difficult couple of weeks. I hope it gets better soon.
I think the hardest part is that I have the ability to let it get better. I'm just not sure if I have the strength or willpower to seek after that peace. Right now... I just want to sleep.
