Covenant and Contract.

Let us begin by comparing the difference between these words. (These are definitions from dictionary.com and also my own brain)

Contract (n) def:

1. An agreement between two or more parties for the doing or not doing of something specified.

2. An agreement enforceable by law.

3. The written form of such an agreement.

Covenant (n) def:

1. A binding commitment between two or more parties that extends beyond the reach of legality into the attitude of the human heart.

2. Promises made between God and man that are meant never to be broken.

A very wise man made a very profound statement to me recently:

"You see your calling as a covenant with God - you enter into it with the distinct intention of completing the work He has set out for you until such a time as He leads you elsewhere. Church members, however, often see your ministry as a contract - an agreement to do certain duties."

And in an instant, I suddenly began to move on.

I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to cry and scream and complain until my eyes dried out and my throat was raw. I wanted to shake someone and yell at them that they shattered my dreams - dreams that I have already lost once.

However, no one is out to get me. No one purposefully hurt me.

Yes, I still feel pain over having a dream wrenched out of my hands. Yes, I wish the church's polity required that Biblical principles of conflict resolution be followed before dismissing a member of staff. 

But how can I expect people to understand the immense passion and connection I have with the ministry God has called me to if they don't look at it the same way?

A church member (usually, if however unfortunately) sees the "job" of a pastor/staff member much like any other job. Although they normally expect a higher level of moral integrity (which is totally reasonable), they expect a pastor to complete tasks and receive compensation for completion of those tasks. It's not exactly that simple, but it's close.

A pastor, however, understands each position he/she holds to be a covenantal agreement with God - it goes leagues beyond a contractual agreement. A pastor understands him/herself to be responsible for not only completing tasks, but being conscious and obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit as he/she faces challenges and battles that might define the outcome of someone's spiritual life.

In short, my covenant with God to lead His people in worship defines me and is how I find purpose.

Now, I am beginning to heal instead of just coping... because it is not a contractual job that gives me purpose. It is the covenant that still exists between me and God. And no amount of "failure" in the practics of fulfilling that covenant can change the fact that I made Him a promise - a promise I intend to keep.

5 reasons to read Harry Potter.

(You didn't think I could miss writing about the end of the Harry Potter movies, did you?)

Last night, my mom and I went to a 9:00 PM showing of The Deathly Hallows, part 1, then a midnight showing of part 2.

Epic. Simply epic.

I liked most of the movie, although there were some changes I didn't understand that seemed unnecessary and like they may have taken away from the story a little bit. However, overall I was extremely impressed with how it was handled.

Today, I thought it would be appropriate to share a few reasons for why you should read Harry Potter. I encourage you to watch the movies as well; but, as is true so often, the books are just a more fulfilling experience.

1. Harry Potter is this generation's redemptive Christ parallel.

If you don't already know why this statement is true, read this article. It's a well-written explanation of what I'm talking about. Spoiler alert - if you don't know how the story ends, don't read the article yet.

My dad has Lord of the Rings (by the way, great movies as well); and my grandfather had The Chronicles of Narnia (or is it the other way around? I don't know, they're both old, so we'll go with it...). While I love both of these series as well, Harry Potter is that type of story for my generation. I grew up anticipating the next move in the Harry Potter series, whether it was the next book or movie release.

As a Christian, I feel like this is the most important reason to be familiar with Harry Potter. We are extremely good at distancing ourselves from pop culture because we're afraid of it. I found the picture below on the Facebook page of a Trevecca employee - it's a great example of being petrified of pop culture and losing a possible creative outlet of worship.

[side note]

I love dance. I think it can be used as one of the most effective worship expression, if it's done well, and it makes me extremely sad that this doesn't happen, because we lumped all dance into the category of evil, lustful, provocative, please-have-sex-with-me-with-my-clothes-on dancing. If you're not aware... this is not the only form of dance.

[end side note]

We also did this with popular music. I heard a sermon once (I can't remember the preacher's name; my husband would know, if you're interested) preached by a man who was once friends with a man who worked in the music industry as a band manager. This friend was asked to be the manager of... wait for it... The Beatles! But, because it would have meant he would miss his Wednesday night Bible studies and have to work for a 'secular' band, he refused the offer. 

This person happened to be a dedicated follower of Christ. Instead of encouraging him to minister in the area God had put him, he was encouraged to stick inside the walls of the church as much as possible, and arguably the most famous band of all time, instead of having a manager who could very well have had an opportunity to lead them to Christ, ended up with someone else and led a sex and drugs revolution that drew people away from God.

NEWS FLASH... If all we ever do is stay within the church, we're never going to reach anyone else.

Back to Harry Potter... This story could be used to explain the story of Christ to non-believers. It can be used in sermon illustrations. It can be used to write books and songs and countless other pieces of art and entertainment. So... read it.

2. Hermione Granger is an awesome female role model.

Hermione is the epitome of a strong woman. Actually, she fits a lot of the points of the virtuous woman from Proverbs 31 - she holds the "family" of herself, Ron, and Harry together, taking care of them but allowing them to take the lead. She is strong without being forceful or overbearing, and throughout the course of the series, falls in love with one of her best friends, Ron Weasley. Their relationship was entirely based on trust, friendship, and deep commitment, long before it ever became romantic. 

Another reason I love Hermione is because she proves that it is possible for... (hold your breath)... a male and a female to have a platonic relationship. Harry and Hermione are best friends who have never once expressed romantic interest in one another, though they love one another deeply. As someone with a male best friend, I thought it was important to point out this fact.

I could go on, but I got most of these ideas from this article, so read on if you'd like to explore this idea more.

However, the point of a fantastically inspiring female heroine brings me to my next point...

3. Harry Potter is way better than Twilight.

Please do not get me wrong... I am Team Edward, and Team Taylor Lautner, and I will go to the Breaking Dawn midnight showings, and probably listen to and read the books several more times. I am a Twihard all the way. However, the message of Twilight is... different... than that of Harry Potter. I will admit it - while they are both stories about all different kinds of love, Twilight includes quite a bit of brooding, depressive, unhealthy romantic love. Bella spends the entire second book in a stupor of depression and numbness after being abandoned by Edward. Anyone who knows anything about romantic love knows that's very unhealthy and probably a bad relationship in which to be.

In addition to the insanity of the relationships in Twilight, it is also made clear in the series that Bella and all of the main characters don't really believe in God. Bella knows that if there is a heaven, Edward is going there because he is so amazingly perfect, but beyond that, God and religion are something ignored as unreasonable. 

[disclaimer]

While I do agree with what I've stated above, there are a lot of really good things about the Twilight series that get overlooked by people that can't get past the brooding teenage romance. Trust me, I'll write a blog post about those very good things at some point.

[end disclaimer]

On a much less deep note, Harry Potter is also written much better than Twilight. Stephenie Meyer definitely stepped it up for Breaking Dawn, but the first three books are fraught with grammatical issues and poor writing.

4. There is no reason to stop kids from reading or watching the series if you are an involved, responsible parent.

[begin rant]

I understand the problem some people have with magic or witchcraft being used in entertainment, because they're afraid of the lure of real witchcraft and the danger it might pose to their family or community. However, Rowling uses the story of the wizarding world as a fantasy story. If we have to get rid of all magic and fantasy from our entertainment, then you'd better stop your kids from seeing Winnie the Pooh, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Barney while you're at it, because fantasy and imagination are the types of things kids really enjoy.

I do understand the issue of children mixing fantasy with reality. That's why I added the part about being an involved, responsible parent (or guardian). My mom and dad were always clear with me and my brother that things we read in books and saw on television were usually made-up stories to entertain or prove a point. They are not like the Bible or non-fiction, which are actually true stories. I think this principle applies to any kind of entertainment you allow your children, whether it be books, movies, TV shows, or playing pretend with their toys - if you can't explain to your children that there are real things are there are pretend things, well... perhaps you need to talk to someone. That's a part of being a parent. 

[end rant]

Sorry... I just hate hearing that people stop their kids from participating in entertainment because they don't want to take the time to be involved in that entertainment with their children.

I'm done.

Seriously.

5. The books are better than the movies.

No more deep stuff... on to the fun part. 

This series has the best writing of foreshadowing I think I've ever experienced while reading. There are some ridiculously interesting details you will never know if you only watch the movies, which are, admittedly, very well done (for the most part).

For example, the sixth book (The Half-Blood Prince) includes quite a few more memories of the teenage and young adult Tom Riddle that were cut from the movie for the sake of time. Those memories are some of the most interesting parts of any of the books, in my opinion. In book five (The Order of the Phoenix), the Quidditch World Cup is explored in much greater detail, which was simply fascinating. In book two (The Chamber of Secrets), the ghost of Gryffindor tower, Sir Nicholas, holds a 500th death day party (bet you've never heard of one of those, eh?).

In addition to the fact that you get more information, you are introduced to many more interesting characters. My favorite is Peeves, the Hogwarts poltergeist that is forever causing problems, especially for Mr. Filch, the caretaker of Hogwarts. 

Overall, (I'm not sure if you can tell), I really love Harry Potter and all that goes along with it. So... read it! ;)

I am not a mastadon.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I worked out yesterday. Legit worked out - I speed-walked for half an hour, then did strength training to strengthen my problem areas. Many times when I work out, I try not to push myself so hard I'll be in a lot of pain the next day, but recently, I've been feeling quite behind as the three people around whom I spend most of my time are all rapidly losing weight. So, I decided to work out every day this week I'm spending with my mom in South Carolina, and yesterday, I decided to work out hard.

This seemed like a really great, noble idea, until I woke up this morning.

The muscles from my elbows through my shoulders felt as if I had been stabbed any time I attempted to use them. The bottoms of my feet felt raw, not to mention the enormous inch-wide blisters I popped on the backs of my feet last night (ew, I know, but I'm just trying to be real here). Getting out of bed was a daunting task.

I hate waking up that way.

For my entire life, my mom has reminded me that God uses situations in our lives to model spiritual principles outlined in His Word. I know every pastor in the history of preaching has probably used this analogy, but it struck me again today how very much like spiritual warfare a workout routine is.

My goal for working out my physical body is to become healthier and better-looking. There is no point, however, at which I can say, "Okay, I've reached my physical goals. I'm going to stop working out and eating right." Even after reaching any specific goal as far as weight loss or endurance is concerned, I must continue a routine of healthy diet and exercise to maintain what I have achieved. As I age, what I do to maintain what I have must change, and, regardless of my workout regimen, my body will still continue to look and feel differently the older I get.

In the passage above, from Philippians 3, Paul talks about the fact that he is single-minded in his quest to be like Christ. He acknowledges that he will never fully achieve his goal in this life, but wants to have all the good and the bad that is involved in this race.

I can't look and feel better without working hard and going through some physical suffering. In the same way, I can not grow spiritually without difficult work, decisions, and some pain. My husband impresses me with a particularly interesting doctrine he seems to have really identified with from one of his favorite preachers. I don't know the specific phrase he uses, but it is basically the idea that if we truly glory in our taking part with Christ's sufferings, we won't complain or be upset when we suffer, because we know it only makes us stronger, better followers of Christ.

I'm not quite there yet. I've always been a bit of a ninny when it comes to any sort of pain, physical, or emotional. I'm pretty much the opposite of a masochist.

But it's a thought, isn't it? If we are truly so selfless that any sufferings we endure cause us nothing but joy, what does that mean for how we live our lives?

One thing is certainly true... the church would look very different.

Hug Ministry.

We need more hug ministry in the world.

Yesterday evening, I had the pleasure of joining some dear friends of mine for a young adult gathering with Grace Church, the church Josh and I attended previously and plan on attending in the near future. Although I have missed a lot of recent activity with them because of my responsibility elsewhere, I always know that getting together with the young adults of Grace Church means the Holy Spirit is going to come, and I will experience with them the presence of God and His transformational power.

If you didn't catch that, I'm saying that I bawl like a baby almost every time I go. That, or dance around like a nut. We're talking raw, uncontained worship. It's seriously awesome.

So, last night, Josh and I set out for Spring Hill. On our way, he wanted to listen to a sermon, but I don't seem to be able to handle his typical podcast sermon at the moment. The best way I can describe it is to quote Josh's mother explaining to me once that, "Sometimes I can't handle loud and intense worship or church, because I'm so broken that it just causes me to cry. Sometimes, I just need gentle and quiet, to know God loves and hears me."

When I explained this to Josh, he offered to change the sermon to a Joel Osteen message.

[disclaimer]

I am not really a Joel Osteen fan. He's usually pretty cheesy, and I typically prefer sermons with some meat to them - you know, more like... my dad, or Lindell Cooley. And much less cheese. However...

[end disclaimer]

I needed that yesterday. The only Joel Osteen sermon available on podcast was actually a New Year's sermon, bringing in 2011. We didn't quite finish it, but I listened for about 20 minutes to someone reminding me that it is God's will that we prosper - not like the health-and-wealth kind of prosperity, necessarily, but the kind of prosperity that means we grow spiritually and experience the very best God has for us.

It's not God's will that I stay depressed forever. I have to be willing, then, to stay alert for when God says, "Move," or, "Go."

Needless to say, it was what I needed to hear yesterday. It is, unfortunately, easy to forget sometimes that God is truly on my side.

I'm so affected by other people, and as much as it's drilled into us that we can't let other people's opinions or actions affect us, full-time ministry actually hinges a lot on whether or not people like us. My recent experience is a testament to it - regardless of how good a job you do or how hard you try, if people aren't on your side, you can fail.

But when God is on your side, it doesn't matter if people push you away or mistreat you, because He always works together good for those who love Him.

[I'm sure at this point you're saying, "Okay, Rebekah, what in the world does all this have to do with hugs?" Well, I'm getting there. Stick with me.]

We arrived at Derek and Julie's house for GCYA. After sharing a meal together, we begin with a time of music and prayer. I immediately knew something was off (probably to be expected), because while during these times, I'm normally unable to contain myself from singing and lifting my hands, I sat still, staring at the floor, while everyone around me began to worship.

Have you ever seen Galaxy Quest?

There's a scene in the movie where Tim Allen is sent from the alien spaceship back to Earth in a goo container. (Yes, that is the technical term.) The jelly-like substance around him apparently protects him from the non-oxygen-ness of space (and, presumably, the cold) as he hurtles back to his planet. When he arrives back at his house, the goo sort of slides off of him until he is freed from it.

Look, here's a picture!

I felt like I had this goo covering me last night. Actually, the visualization of this in my head was almost funny enough to make me laugh, except for the fact that I felt so distanced from what was going on around me. It was as if nothing could penetrate this invisible prison.

Basically, it felt horrible.

[side note]

I think, given the nature of what is bothering me so much, that music in worship will be the hardest thing for me to find joy in again. I'm not quite so distressed by Bible study or most other kinds of non-music-related worship. But music is hard - every few minutes, I'd find myself thinking something like, "Oh, that song would work really well at church," only to remember I don't have a music ministry anymore. This is definitely going to be a process - falling in love with worship music again isn't going to be easy.

[end side note]

After we finished singing, Julie (one of the owners of the house, and also one of our young adult groups' leaders) said she would like for people who were experiencing particularly difficult seasons in their lives to come to the middle of the living room so they could be surrounded by prayers.

DING DING DING. That's me.

Josh squeezed my foot when she made this declaration, fully aware that I am not usually a big fan of being in the center of a prayer circle. He knew, as well as I, that there was no way I was volunteering myself for this. Then, she said those terrifyingly magic words,

"I'm warning you now, if I know you're going through something, I'm just going to call you out."

And whose name would be first, but mine?

(No one's, that's why I'm telling you this story.)

Grudgingly, I rose to the center of the room, with about 5 or 6 other women. The ones of us in the center held hands while the people surrounding us laid hands on our shoulders or backs and began to pray.

Well, they prayed. I stared at the floor some more. The human contact was nice, though. (My love language is touch. 'Nuff said.)

[disclaimer]

I don't care if you think I'm weird. If you have a problem with the Holy Spirit moving in ways you don't understand, that's your problem, not mine. So stop reading and go pray.

No, but for real.

[end disclaimer]

After a few minutes, some of the people around me shifted, and Julie came around behind me and began to pray for me. She started making the weirdest movement with her hand on my back, like she was pulling something away from me. I don't know how else to describe what happened next but that it was like she was pulling off that weird gooey prison from me. I seriously felt it leave my body, and as soon as it did, I got colder, because I could actually feel the air from the fan above me that I hadn't been able to feel before. I started getting the tinglies I sometimes feel when men and women of God are praying for me.

And I could finally pray.

I started to ask God why it is He had led me into a place just to be rejected by it, why this amount of pain had to be part of the process. And, most importantly of all, (at least to me), I wanted to know why they didn't like me.

As soon as I said this phrase in my head, another amazing friend that was standing next to me, Alaina, released my hand, turned to me, and hugged me.

I don't know that I've ever known that much for sure that God really does love me. All of me, with every fault and personality flaw, every part of me that I secretly loathe, and all my thoughts and dreams and hopes and doubts - He loves me. Period.

We need more hug ministry. Sometimes, that's what it takes. There are so many times that words are inadequate to express how we feel or what we need to say. Those are the times the silent gestures mean so much more, because they say much more than words ever could.

As Alaina hugged me and quietly prayed for me, I began to cry. I heard Derek, Julie's husband, praying to my left, saying, "Show her she belongs."

God is so much smarter than me. He knows exactly what I need, and when I need it. At this point, I did not need an eloquent, 45-minute sermon, or a drawn-out music set. I needed a hug and a few words. And I needed the faith of my friends that God was going to bring me the peace I so desperately desired.

Next time you have a friend who is suffering and you don't know what to say... give them a hug.

Perfect in weakness?

I got really upset over something very small yesterday.

I've been fighting a lot lately with one of my best friends. This fighting is made rather more complicated by the fact he is also Josh's and my roommate.

I'm not going to explain why, because, frankly, it's no one's business and it's probably stupid, anyway. That's not the point of this post.

However, the fact that we've been arguing quite a bit puts both of us a little more on edge.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was waiting for him to get home so that we could go to Taco Tuesday at my husband's restaurant and chill out with our friend, Derek. We do this almost every Tuesday, unless I'm out of town for some reason. After getting cleaned up from work, he walked out of his bathroom... and told me he was going to go hang out with some other friends... and then he was gone.

No warning. No polite text to tell me when he made those plans, "Hey, you should probably figure out something else to do tonight than Taco Tuesday, because I'm going out."

Well... suffice it to say I didn't take it well.

See, I have been struggling a lot lately with my self-worth and feelings of rejection, ever since the "church incident," as I have thus dubbed it.

When your best friend leaves you hanging without a warning, it is really easy to let all of those struggles bubble quickly back up to the surface.

I began to cry, and drove out to Taco Tuesday alone, to find that Derek wasn't working yesterday. Upon finding out I would have to eat alone, I turned around and drove home. When I parked in our apartment's lot, I again had that same trouble with my car key not coming out of my ignition, which made me cry harder and scream loudly at my car.

Eventually, after fenagling my key out, I ran back into my apartment, and got in bed.

At 6:30 PM.

I don't know that I've ever done that before; that is, spent an entire evening in bed because I felt so depressed.

[If you can't tell yet, this story is getting increasingly embarrassing - however, I promised myself I would be really honest here, and this is kind of an important moment for me. So don't laugh]

Josh got home from work at around 10:30 to find me there, tossing and turning, attempting to listen to an audiobook. As good husbands do, he crawled in bed next to me and held me close as I finally fell asleep.

I feel so empty right now. Between so many broken promises, both ones that you would know if you've been keeping up with this blog and ones that are not public knowledge, and so many lies, and so many uncertainties, it is difficult to keep up a happy face - something I normally pride myself on being able to do.

The reason for this emptiness lies, I believe, in the fact that I feel so powerless and weak. I can't stop anyone lying to me, or letting me down, or not being able to give me an answer. I can't force people to spend time with me if that's not what they want to do. And I can't make the last several months, or few years, go away, no matter how much I want to.

I read a post on stuffchristianslike.net today that I posted to my Facebook wall. Jon Acuff discussed his frustration with weakness and failure, and the words he said pierced right into my heart.

2 Corinthians 12 says, "In order to keep me from being conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."

I can't even read this passage on my screen without tearing up.

There's an old hymn that keeps popping into my head as I read, however.

For His grace is sufficient for me,
And His love is abundant and free
O what joy floods my soul
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me!

Many times I'm tried and tested 
As I travel day by day
'Oft I meet with pain and sorrow
And there's trouble in the way
But I have a sweet assurance
That my soul, the Lord will lead
And in Him there is strength for every need

When the tempter brings confusion
And I don't know what to do
On my knees, I turn to Jesus
For He'll always see me through
Then despair is changed to vict'ry
Every doubt just melts away
And in Him, there is hope for every day

I have tried and tried every day for the past couple of weeks to hang on to this weakness, to handle this pain myself. Avoiding devotions, distracting myself with pointless entertainment, and spending a great deal of time playing games are a few of the methods I've used to refuse to cast this on Jesus. But I don't have strength anymore to do it. If I continue on this path, I am afraid of what I would become. I already barely recognize myself with all this anger and self-pity spilling out of every orifice.

I'm exhausted.

But in Him, there is hope for every day. His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning.

Now, I need to remember what it feels like to lean on Him.

Baby, you're a firework.

Come on, show 'em what you're worth.

I don't know if that's much of a compliment.

Fireworks are very short-lived. They're beautiful for just a moment, and then they're gone. I think of fireworks like people who get their 15 minutes of fame - they're there for a few moments and then you forget about them.

I don't want to be short-lived.

I don't want what my life means to build up to some sort of climax and fizzle out.

I think slow and steady really does win the race.

Do I have the patience necessary for this type of life?

I suppose we'll see.

Easier said than done.

St. Francis of Assisi penned these words as a prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, 
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.


There is a reason St. Francis penned this as a prayer, requesting that these things would be so: because this is a bunch of ridiculously hard stuff.

Ideally, it would be awesome if any of us could say these things are true of ourselves. I believe these are qualities that Christ can write onto our hearts, and I know individuals whom I believe demonstrate these actions.

It's much easier said than done.

Sectumsempra.

I saw the preview today for the final Harry Potter flick.

Oh. My. Word. I am so excited I could barely make it through the trailer without squealing.

I noticed something about Harry Potter a few days ago. I'm listening through the audiobooks before watching the last movie, just to get myself totally caught up.

(The following is a brief story from HP. If you don't like or want to read it, you can skip down to the point.)

In the fifth book, Harry sees a memory of Professor Snape's that recounts a time in which Harry's father picked on Snape for no reason, resulting in a row between Snape and James Potter. During this confrontation, Snape uses a spell on James (we're not given the name of it) that causes a gash to appear on his cheek. This curse, "Sectumsempra," appears in the next book, although if you weren't paying very close attention to the story I just mentioned, you wouldn't realize it was the same spell. Actually, if you caught it the first time, you would know that Professor Snape is, in fact, the Half-Blood Prince, a piece of information that's actually rather important.

J.K. Rowling uses a ton of these type of situations, foreshadowing, very sneakily, storylines yet to come. However, if you aren't extremely observant or don't remember seemingly insignificant details, you wouldn't see connections in the story until reading the books again (and maybe again and again, like I have).

(Here is the point:)

I use this random anecdote to illustrate a point: when we are flitting about our daily lives, doing those things we need to do and make time for, we don't see little things. We (or at least I) don't know the effect particular relationships truly have on us, or the utter dependence we have on places, or people, or things. It's easy to miss these things because we don't have the full story. The same may also be said for situations we don't understand. In my own life, I am referring to my unexpectedly short term as a worship pastor at my former church.

I have said more than once recently that I am tired of hearing statements (that I know are meant to help lift me up) like, "God didn't want you there," or, "This just means there was a better place for you to be," or, "God has a bigger plan." None of these statements is inherently incorrect, or negative in nature. They are meant to remind me that this is not "the end." I understand the purpose. But hearing this same thing over and over is eventually more frustrating than helpful.

Maybe that's only because I don't know the whole story.

Maybe in 10 years I will look back on this time and smile, realizing how it directed the rest of my life at this time.

Maybe I'll never know why.

However, I think it is more likely, seeing as how God often seems to work, that He is using little things I can't see to write my story, even though I don't know why or how yet.

Maybe the reason I feel so frustrated hearing these encouraging statements over and over is because I'm afraid of what else God might ask me to do in the future. If this experience, difficult and demanding and intimidating as it was, wasn't "it," what else could possibly be in store?

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

A New Day.

"It's a new day,
Oh, it's a new time and there's a
New way
I'm gonna live my life,
Oh, the old has passed away
And the new has come
Thank God, it's a brand new day!"

I love this song by Avalon. The music reflects the positive, upbeat message of the lyrics, not to mention it's got a fantastically fun female lead part to sing (for example, when alone in the car, using my cell phone as a makeshift microphone).

The theme of the song is (obviously) the transformational change made when a non-believer accepts Christ.

I feel like it can also apply to a lot of other situations in life - for instance, the transition from something comforting and familiar. Singing this in truth requires (at least at this point in my journey) the gumption to say that I will rejoice in change and growth and newness. This isn't easy for someone who doesn't like change. I'm not exactly addicted to a schedule, and I like a certain change of pace, but I rely on the familiar to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I tend to feel overwhelmed.

But I decide how I'm going to feel. I'm not letting other people decide for me.

So, I'm going on a hot date tonight with my fantastic husband, who has been a rock these past weeks during my emotional turmoil, never pushing me to "feel better" simply because he wants me to, or forcing me to do anything I didn't want. We're going to the walking bridge in downtown Nashville after a nice dinner, and I hope to get some pictures.

Thank God every day is a brand new day.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

- Lamentations 3:21-26