This weekend, I obsessed over some issues in my life that I spend a lot of time trying to suppress. Whether it was due to the amount of time I spent just thinking, my location, or any other extraneous factors, I don't know.
What I do know is that I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown twice within the last 24 hours.
If you know me well at all, you're probably aware of the fact I am an emotional human being. Yes, we're all emotional. But I let emotions dictate a lot of my life. I know it's not always a good tactic for life, but, unfortunately, it seems to be how I am wired.
Over the last few weeks, a great deal has happened in my life in the area of spiritual growth. God has been speaking to me a lot about me.
You see, there are a lot of lies about myself I've let myself believe over the past several years.
As a kid, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. As a teenager, I was treated really poorly by my fair share of men. As an adult, I've made some stupid decisions trying to "find myself." In addition to that (and probably sometimes related), I have been treated as though I am a prostitute (and once actually offered money for sex). My entire life has been a series of dysfunctional sexuality, and while these issues did not always consume me, they have affected the way I think of myself.
I feel dirty.
I feel used.
I feel like damaged goods.
I feel embarrassed.
I feel despicable.
I feel dysfunctional and as though I am wired wrong.
I happen to be the only person who hears the thoughts in my head, and because I know what I'm thinking, I know what a crappy person I seem to be.
Back to this weekend - I had a lot of time to dwell on the way this is affecting my life today, and I started to freak out.
I started to feel hopeless.
I started to feel trapped.
I started to feel like giving up.
And then, because He is so good, my Dad upstairs reminded me that He loves me way too much for that.
He loves me so much that He is determined for me to understand how He truly sees me.
He sees me as clean.
He sees me as perfect.
He sees me as beautiful.
He sees me, and He is ravished by me.
I can't ever make Him love me more, and I can't ever make Him love me less. His love is unconditional, always, 100% of the time.
I watched a video on YouTube today that reminded me of this. A few months back, a friend sent me a link to the video. I vividly remember bawling at my desk at work as I realized how the words spoken are so true: "He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you..."
The God we serve is a God of restoration. He desires to restore my purity. He desires to restore my thoughts. He desires to restore my relationships. He desires to restore my self-image.
He desires to restore ALL OF ME.
Because He loves me.
And that will always be enough.
