The day I found out why I'm alive.

This is the start of something amazing...
A moment when heaven touches earth.
Here in our hearts, Lord, we are waiting
For something that's far beyond what we have seen or heard.

// "The Ascension," by Phil Wickham


How timely that this song blares through my headphones at the moment I start to write today?

Timely, because today is obviously the start (and continuation) of something amazing.

Why? I have no idea.

Allow me to start from the beginning.

12 years ago, at the age of 14, God called me to full-time ministry. I wish I could explain it... That feeling, deep down, that you know part of how you are supposed to walk forward in life.

Okay, honestly, I was terrified at the time. And a little angry. And maybe annoyed. Maybe the first thing I told my dad (a full-time pastor as long as I've been alive) as he prayed for me that night was that I wanted God to use me in a way that I had to be smart to do. Pastors don't have to be smart, like surgeons or astronauts or chemists.

I can only imagine what went through his head at that moment. I assume it was a mixture of eye-rolling, possibly a little bit of hurt, and probably a lot of chagrin as he reflected on how difficult he knew ministry to be. His daughter, the little firecracker who knew she could do anything, had realized that she was facing a life similar to his... and she had no idea what that future would look like.

That night, I bet my dad interceded for me in prayer when we parted ways to head back to the camp cabins. I would be surprised if he hadn't, at least for a brief second, hoped that it was just a phase or an emotional moment. Knowing the serious business that ministry can be, he may have even asked for my reprieve... for a new call to something safer, something more stable.

Something that didn't involve the heaviness of responsibility that he had lived with for over 20 years by that time.

But he knew better. When I was very young, a wise person had told my parents that God would call me away from them later in life, sometimes to places very far away for a long time. They were prepared. They knew what that meant, even then.

Fast forward. The quick, in-between parts of this story include a confusing decision to go into youth ministry, even though I have never quite gotten along with teenagers (even when I was one of them myself). After all, I didn't want to be a senior pastor. Children's pastor was out - little kids made me cringe and shudder. In my overwhelmingly limited mind, those were the three options.

I began college as a theology major. Hey, I may not have to be a genius to pastor teenagers, but I can learn new languages and impress people with my vast knowledge of biblical context and theories about the Trinity and interpretations of Revelation, right?

Writing this all down, I have to laugh. It's so comical at this point to look back and see how ignorant I was... And to remember how confident I was in my ignorance.

Hmm... What next?

I hated my freshman year of college. It was a time wrought with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and desperate attempts not to drown under a growing workload I couldn't motivate myself to complete. The only redemptive factor was that I met the man who would become my husband a year and a half later. (But that's a whole other story... A really good one!)

A professor told me I wasn't called to ministry.

I changed my major to psychology and turned my back on something I obviously wasn't good enough to do.

I sang background vocals at my school's spring revival and had the best time of my life. There was something there... Something new.

I moved home and transferred schools.

And then, because God is good and He is so kind, my dad's church was suddenly in need of a worship leader very soon after I moved. I had expressed my desire to start learning... and so I did.

It was, quite possibly, the most difficult thing I've ever done. I battled insecurities and feeling inadequate, and worked with some people who were barely committed or just generally flaky... But I learned more in that three-year period than I ever thought possible.

And, oh boy, it was about to get even crazier.

In 2009, we moved to Nashville so that I could complete my degree with a Bachelor's in Worship Arts. Again, to shorten the story, three years of intense learning and crazy experiences ensued. I traveled for a year with a Music Ministry team for the school, led in chapels, filled in at a few churches, and even held a worship pastor position at a church in Tennessee (for four months before it ended in a heaping stack of burning wreckage). I graduated from Trevecca Nazarene University over two years ago, and have since been experiencing the most tumultuous time of my life. Which is silly, because I thought my life was insane before!

I was delivered on October 14, 2012 from some intense spiritual oppression that had been a major issue in my life for some time. Then, in the start of 2013, out of nowhere, every opportunity I had to lead worship just disappeared.

Was swept away.

With no explanation.

For seven months, I didn't lead worship. Let me tell you, I didn't handle it well! I forgot how to spend time alone with Jesus in that intimate place of worship we should be living in consistently. I let anger and frustration get the best of me.

Finally, excruciatingly, I got a chance to co-lead with one of my best friends at a service out of town.

It was painful, and hard, and I had a breakdown at the end of our rehearsal because I was so out of practice and unprepared. Then, God did an amazing thing during the service - He showed up!

I ended the night on the platform with just one other member of the team. It was incredible! But my battle wasn't over.

Slowly, God changed the way I see my calling. He totally adjusted my feelings about how my calling had become my identity. He showed me that there were so many other things He had gifted me with the ability to do that I could not continue to put myself in a box. He used bad communication with people and some of the most maddening experiences of my life to show me who I truly am in Him.

This year has been even more transformative. Slowly but surely, God places opportunities in my path. Some go 'better' than others, some are more what I prefer while some are a stretch for me, and all of them came from a place where God did all the 'promoting.' I didn't have to 'get my name out there.' My chances to glorify God with these gifts has not been through anything I have or could have done. (By the way - that's the best route to take. Trust me.)

Which brings me to today.

Over the last 7 days, God has been showing me specifics of what I should and should not be doing to prepare for the calling He has placed on my life. It's very practical stuff, mostly about discipline and humility. Honestly, it was so much at once (especially since, for so long, I felt like He was almost silent about that part of my life) that it freaked me out a little.

Then, yesterday morning, I was asked to sing a song after one of our services. I haven't led worship on a Sunday morning at my home church in almost two years. If you have been around me during that time, you know that it's a big deal. Not because I want a platform, but because I love my church and am desperate to serve any way I can... And worship leading is a massive part of what God has been leading me to do. Capture Hope is also a big part of this, but that's a post for another day.

Today, in the midst of a mountain of work to finish and knowing that it makes zero sense, I knew I needed to write this all down. Someone, somewhere, needs to know that God calls you to be a part of something bigger than him or herself.

I created this a few weeks ago for my church's Facebook and Twitter accounts.

I do not know the completed answer to this question in my own life. What I do know is that, at this moment, there is something big. I am waiting on something that I'll only recognize after I see it. Whatever it is, I'm not confused. 

You see, I know who I am. And I am not defined by my calling. I am defined as a child of God, committed, submitted, and totally in love with Him, wherever He may take me.

The reason I'm alive is to glorify God. Regardless of what He wants to do in and with me, regardless of where He takes me or whether or not I ever get anything that I want in my own self - He is my purpose. Just Him. He is my reason.

And whatever I'm waiting on... It's just a gift from Him. The next gift in an endless series of good gifts He offers us, if we are only willing to receive them. And I can't wait to see what He has in store.

We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary

We won't be satisfied at all

Open up the sky, fall down like rain

We don't want blessings, we want You!

Open up the sky, fall down like fire

We don't want anything but You

// Open Up the Sky, by Deluge

I'm just not good enough.

Can I be honest for a moment?

I am really sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I'm sick of my employer(s) treating me that way. I'm sick of the enemy trying to convince me it's true every time I don't perform exactly perfectly. But mostly, I'm sick of allowing what other people say (or sometimes more damagingly, don't say) determine whether or not I think I'm good enough.

I am a worship leader. That is something God has done in me - it's not just a career path or a degree I hold. Years ago, God created this calling within me, and I have been trying ever since to do the right things to stay on that road. I left my parents and brother to move to Nashville so that I could finish my bachelor's degree with a major in Worship Arts. My life has revolved around chasing after this calling.

And then, four years ago, God put me and Josh at a church with the opposite problem that most churches deal with - our church has an overabundance of worship leaders, and there's no way for everyone in the congregation designated as such to serve all the time.

Oh, and here's the best part - He's keeping me there.

For years, I've battled inner turmoil, trying to convince myself that I'm a good, capable worship leader, even when my opportunities were slim or non-existent to lead worship. I've had some great experiences and opportunities, but they were interwoven into many more church services where I sat in the congregation. Last fall, I was asked to coordinate the people running media at our church on Sundays, which has given me a chance to be close to the 'action,' but still not in the way my heart wants.

Last year was the pinnacle of my frustration. At one point, I allowed myself to get so angry about being 'ignored' that God convicted me and I had to send several messages to close friends, apologizing for blaming other people and complaining about my situation. Talk about humbling - the basis of my argument in the whole situation had always been that I, Rebekah, was in the right, and everyone else was either disorganized or simply didn't care about me. In a day, I was basically forced to admit that the problem only lay within me.

And the problem wasn't ever that I was a 'bad' worship leader.

The problem was that, after years of consistent opportunities, churches telling me to contact them after graduation for a job leading worship, leading at our young adults gatherings at church, and feeling like I knew what was going on, I suddenly lost all my outlets for leading worship in a group. So, instead of spending time with Jesus on my own, drawing nearer to Him without the necessity of an audience or a microphone, I decided that other people had seen that I wasn't good enough and chose to be mad about it.

But people shouldn't determine the truth of what I know God has said. Someone's words (or lack thereof) should never change my passion for worshipping Jesus, whether it's in front of thousands or in my own living room.

Therein lies the solution: like my amazing pastor, Lindell Cooley, said just a few weeks ago. I sum it up here:

Don't let your emotions tell you what to do. You need to talk to yourself and tell yourself how to feel. Emotions are fleeting - truth is unchanging.

So what did I do? First, I surrendered to God and told Him that it was never going to be 'my' ministry in the first place, so if He wanted me to be the most passionate worshipper sitting in the second row of the congregation, that's what I'd do.

And wouldn't you know - within a week of truly surrendering that desire, I got one of the things I'd been waiting for so long: affirmation from one of my pastors that I was a capable worship leader. However, God knew better than to give it to me before I was fully ready to accept wherever He put me.

The next thing I did was to start spending time with Jesus regularly. I still have to work hard on discipline, because it's easy to get busy and watch time just pass by, but my heart is so much more happy on those days where I take time to spend time in His presence.

The last thing I have done was to start thanking Jesus for the opportunities I have had when my brain starts telling me that I'm inadequate and people don't want me to lead worship. Just last night, the enemy pretty much just told me that I'm a "Holy Spirit buzzkill." The lie was something along the lines of, 'any time you get on a platform, the Holy Spirit doesn't really move.... it might be an okay time of worship, but you stop the Holy Spirit from truly transforming people when you're around.'

Well, that's silly. I started reminding my atmosphere of all the times God has worked through me and thanking Him for those moments. And I woke up this morning feeling as if I could conquer the world!

If you've taken the time to read this post, bravo! And thank you. My overall thought would be to leave you with this...

People can't tell you that you are unworthy. God calls you worthy. He calls you beautiful. He calls you to live in His glorious light. Don't let a person's words define your identity - only what God says about you.

Peace.
-R

Delivered.

This post has been coming about for awhile, but as I've been pretty busy, it's happening now.

But it's something I've been dying to share.

Without going into too much detail (if you're really interested, hit me up and I'll tell you the whole story), a few weeks ago, my life changed.

Remember that last post I wrote? About how I felt like used, damaged goods? Well, that spirit that had been a part of me for as long as I can remember had been dragging me down, and on October 14th, it all came to a head.

Sunday morning, during worship, God gave me a vision. In the vision, I could see myself yanking on a rope - at the other end was Jesus, just standing there, holding the rope. The rope was immediately apparent to be my control over my life: how I feel about myself, my habit of sitting on the fence when it comes to decisions I need to make... basically, control over everything.

Then, the vision expanded. While my right side was desperately trying to hang onto that rope, my left arm was shackled to a chain. At the end of the chain stood everyone who had taken advantage of me over the years - all the men I'd let speak despicable things into my life, the girl who abused me as a child, and anyone who had spoken death over who I am.

As I watched this vision, I asked Jesus what would happen if I was willing to let go of the rope. After all, Lord, I would decide to let go of the rope. But I can't break a chain - so all that would be left is me, chained to a past filled with skewed intimacy, pain, and perversion.

So, He showed me - in my vision, I let go of the rope and watched it turn into an axe in the hand of Jesus. as soon as I dropped my control, he simply walked over to my chain, broke it with the axe, and then held me in His arms.

Talk about intense.

What to do with that? I knew what would happen; now I just had to do my part. After speaking with some awesome women of God that afternoon, I decided to receive prayer for deliverance from Burke, the youth pastor at Grace Church and a good friend of mine and Josh's.

And it came out.

Literally.

After booking it to the restroom, every piece of that cursed spirit expelled itself from my body. I really hate to throw up, so it was quite the interesting experience to do it with three people praying for me right outside the stall.

[side note]

I don't know how you feel about deliverance. I don't know how you feel about me saying that puking was a part of this amazing God experience I had. But, I know what God did there, and I hope you can rejoice with me through it, even if it doesn't make sense to you.

[end side note]

I've never felt so free in my life! Since that day, I've had a passion for the Word of God more than I can ever remember, I don't have a need to seek after affection from people, and I find myself feeling moments of joy unlike I have ever experienced.

The first Scripture God led me to after this experience was Proverbs 2. I encourage you to read the entire book - wisdom is something we so often ignore, but it is so beautiful! Anyway, in verse 12, Solomon says that "[Wisdom will] deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things."

Talk about applicable to my situation.

Over these weeks, I have found the love of Christ anew... He has filled me in a way that I want to share with everyone I meet! This morning, I heard an interview with President Obama regarding today's election. I listened intently, and then pondered for a moment the fact that the person elected to this office will never change the truth that God remains sovereign, and how thankful I am for that fact. And wouldn't you know it - as I scanned my stations, the very next song I heard was "Great I Am!"

So I shouted like a kid on Christmas!

I'm sure the people in the cars around me thought I was nuts. But, for the first time, I really didn't care.

To end, I'd like to share the chorus from a song that so beautifully reminds me of this amazing work Christ has done in me. It's from "Chains Hit the Ground," an amazing song by Leeland. When I start to feel down, I repeat these words in my head... and I am so thankful for this truth.

And I remember the nails that You took for me
When You died in my shame and iniquity
Jesus, You have set me free
The thorns of my shame, You wore in a crown
When You bowed Your head, Your love was poured out
And my chains hit the ground!

The intense love of the Father.

I had a very interesting weekend.

This weekend, I obsessed over some issues in my life that I spend a lot of time trying to suppress. Whether it was due to the amount of time I spent just thinking, my location, or any other extraneous factors, I don't know.

What I do know is that I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown twice within the last 24 hours.

If you know me well at all, you're probably aware of the fact I am an emotional human being. Yes, we're all emotional. But I let emotions dictate a lot of my life. I know it's not always a good tactic for life, but, unfortunately, it seems to be how I am wired.

Over the last few weeks, a great deal has happened in my life in the area of spiritual growth. God has been speaking to me a lot about me.

You see, there are a lot of lies about myself I've let myself believe over the past several years.

As a kid, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. As a teenager, I was treated really poorly by my fair share of men. As an adult, I've made some stupid decisions trying to "find myself." In addition to that (and probably sometimes related), I have been treated as though I am a prostitute (and once actually offered money for sex). My entire life has been a series of dysfunctional sexuality, and while these issues did not always consume me, they have affected the way I think of myself.

I feel dirty.

I feel used.

I feel like damaged goods.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel despicable.

I feel dysfunctional and as though I am wired wrong.

I happen to be the only person who hears the thoughts in my head, and because I know what I'm thinking, I know what a crappy person I seem to be.

Back to this weekend - I had a lot of time to dwell on the way this is affecting my life today, and I started to freak out.

I started to feel hopeless.

I started to feel trapped.

I started to feel like giving up.

And then, because He is so good, my Dad upstairs reminded me that He loves me way too much for that.

He loves me so much that He is determined for me to understand how He truly sees me.

He sees me as clean.

He sees me as perfect.

He sees me as beautiful.

He sees me, and He is ravished by me.

I can't ever make Him love me more, and I can't ever make Him love me less. His love is unconditional, always, 100% of the time.

I watched a video on YouTube today that reminded me of this. A few months back, a friend sent me a link to the video. I vividly remember bawling at my desk at work as I realized how the words spoken are so true: "He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you..."

The God we serve is a God of restoration. He desires to restore my purity. He desires to restore my thoughts. He desires to restore my relationships. He desires to restore my self-image.

He desires to restore ALL OF ME.

Because He loves me.

And that will always be enough.

So Blessed.

I never thought a trip out of the country could make me resent America and adore it so much, all at one time.

Last month, I spent 17 days in China. If you were born yesterday or live under a rock - China is a communist country in Asia with the largest population of any country in the world. As a communist country, China imposes many regulations on religion and the personal lives of its citizens. Many of these were put in place, at least in part, in response to the booming population. These laws include the one-child law that says that women in China (with the exception of those in minority groups) may only bear one child.

In addition to the laws in a country much different from mine, I was culture shocked by vastly different food, cultural habits, and a language barrier that is, at times, only a nuisance, while at other times, it creates a virtual impossibility when trying to accomplish anything.

After two weeks, here are some of the things I realized:

• I love real Chinese food. Not the imitation nonsense they sell in the States, but honest-to-goodness Chinese food. It is tastier and, in many ways, healthier than the typical American diet. (I lost 8 pounds!)
• I have always underestimated my ability to walk long distances. We calculated a rough estimate of the miles we'd walked together over the 17 days - we came up with somewhere around 50 miles. (I only lost 8 pounds?!)
• The fact that I, as an American citizen, can walk into any church in the United States of America without having to show ID or fear any type of retribution is a blessing that literally billions of people may never, EVER experience. To take that for granted is a bit of a slap in the face to... well, lots of people, and God. (Guilty!)
• I adore American standards of hygiene. Like, a lot.
• Adoption is one of the most awesome things in the world. Ever.
• My life is superbly awesome. In basically every way. And that, too, is a breathtakingly rare blessing.

And now, let the earth resound with praise

For our Savior, God, He reigns

He is high and lifted up

Arise, for the King of Glory waits

He is coming back again,
He is coming back again!

Transformation.

There are a lot of things in this world that point to God.

Between nature, love, beauty, healing, miracles, and everything else we see on a daily basis, it's actually quite astonishing to me that there are still a huge majority of people who don't see that God exists.

But there is something else, beyond any miraculous signs and wonders or a breathtaking sunrise, that reminds me, even in the most frustrating of times, that God exists and changes people's lives.

Twice this past Thursday night, while spending time in Bible study and then at dinner afterwards, I saw in two great men of God (both of whom are dear friends) a spectacular beauty that far outstripped that of the sunrise I saw earlier that morning.

The first time, my friend Thomas was sharing about his brother and his utter devotion to Christ. The thought of it brought him to tears, and as his voice shook to recall the passionate love his brother has for his Savior, a memory came to mind of Thomas sharing the kind of person he used to be. From what I could remember, he was the type of guy who didn't really care much about other people... especially not based on their love for the Lord. And yet, the Thomas I know is one of the most firey, devout, and disciplined followers of Christ I know.

After Bible study, some friends treated Josh, myself, and Thomas and his wife to dinner, to celebrate Josh and Thomas' birthdays. At one point, Derek, one of the leaders of our group, shared a little bit about his past. This time, I was the one getting a bit teary-eyed. Knowing Derek, it's hard to imagine someone who isn't constantly looking for areas in which to serve God, or someone who flirts with the law for fun.

See, when it's all put side-by-side, the most convincing proof I have ever witnessed of the existence of the God I serve is the supernatural transformation of selfish, sinful people. I count myself in that group, and there is no way I could ever find redemption outside of Jesus Christ.

If the love of Christ can turn drug addicts to worshippers, prostitutes to beautiful brides, and hateful jerks to loving gentlemen, how could I ever doubt He exists?

Pure Religion.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 
- James 1:27 KJV

Tonight, I was given the pleasure of singing for a young adult service at GoodNaz called 702. I've participated in leading worship there before, and although it's not my home church, I greatly enjoy working with my friend Greg (who is the worship leader for 702) and chatting with Pastor Daryl (the lead pastor at GoodNaz).

This particular evening was different than the typical 702 service. Instead of a few songs and a message, we had a few songs, read a scripture passage, and then went out to visit a widow.

Yep. A widow.

My first thought was how unusual this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

My second thought was how awesome this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

So, we all drove in a little caravan to visit Shirley, a 75-year-old congregant at GoodNaz who recently lost her husband of 57 years. As we sat in her living room, asking questions about losing her husband and about their relationship that had lasted for so long, I was overwhelmed by how meaningful this action was.

How often do we actually take the time to care for the widows and orphans?

Pastor Daryl asked us as we sat there why we thought widows and orphans were singled out in the Word as those for whom we should care, and why this particular action was considered "pure religion."

At that point, it occurred to me that it was quite possible the reason for this is that, by definition, widows and orphans don't have the support structure surrounding them that the rest of us may. Yes, we may have parents that drive us crazy or a husband that forgets things like it's his job (and I say that with a smile, don't worry), but there is still a support around us. But Shirley said the hardest parts of losing her husband were just missing him in general, and then having to be alone so much. 

How difficult would it be for me to connect with some older widows in my church, and offer to come around once in a while to read to them? To do their dishes? To reminisce? To gain wisdom? To fix their computer? 

One thing is for sure - the verse in James 1 is rather clear. There's not much to misconstrue or twist to fit an agenda. It's just simple - take care of the widows and orphans, and don't be defiled by the world.

It seems to me that the two go hand in hand - taking care of those who need it goes directly against the selfish lifestyles that many of us (yes, even those who call ourselves Christians) tend to lead, in our flesh.

It means nothing if we just sit around talking about it. Let's take some action.

In the middle.

I visited some old friends today.

My last full-time job, at a place called SmileMakers, was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I made forever friends there, including a boss whose number will probably always be on my speed dial.

I go back to visit as often as I can (which isn't much), and was pleasantly surprised to see the new renovations on the building. It looks completely different, a fantastic modern office that was obviously very wisely designed.

I was almost in tears to see the place. I remember working there when everyone was cramped into tiny little spaces and storage was basically unheard of. Seeing the updates made me so happy for all my friends who still work there, and I was thrilled to know they now had the space and comfort they deserved all along.

As different as the renovations make the building look, the basics are the same. Everything is relatively similar to the way it was before, at least as far as operations are concerned. I'm sure the specifics are much different, but not from the surface.

Every time I visit home, I am reminded of when my life felt less hectic. Yes, work was often crazy and there weren't a lot of 'slow' days, but when I left work, I left work (for real). I spent most evenings with my parents and husband, and went to church two or three times a week. I desperately missed that for the two hours I visited my old job today. I actually remember feeling, after I suddenly lost my position as worship pastor at Estill Springs last year, that I would have given anything to just move into my parents' house and beg my old boss for a job again. That only lasted a few weeks, but the simplicity of it is something I catch myself craving on a semi-regular basis.

Now, between two jobs, a small photography business, school, church, our young adult group, and the other various things in which I am involved, I barely get home before 10 PM on any night. On top of that, we live a minimum of 25 minutes away from everything, including work, school, church, and all our friends. My life feels so hectic, and I am ready to have a few less things to do. In addition to that, I'm still trying to raise money for a school trip to Asia in May, right after graduation.

I've felt for several months like I'm just in the middle of things. I'm neither here nor there - not quite a graduate, but not a full-time student... not a full-time employee, but not satisfied working part-time... not a main worship leader anywhere, but one of many in the various places I call spiritual homes. I am a practical person, and I don't like feeling so in the middle - I want to feel stable. I'm going home in two days, and walking right back into all of that.

However, I was reminded yesterday of one of my favorite passages of Scripture. It's the one I lean on when I start to feel overwhelmed, and thinking about it right now is starting to make my eyes water.

It is so magnificent to know that when my life feels so inconsistent, my Savior never is. When my heart feels so torn in two because I want to be in two places at once, my Jesus knows exactly what is best for me and where He wants me. When my soul yearns for simplicity, my Lord provides a time of rest.

I'm so blessed by the people in my life. I'm so blessed by my family. I'm so blessed by all the things God has put right in front of me. So...

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope: It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness! The Lord is my portion, saith my soul, therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him."
- Lamentations 3:21-25