Easier said than done.

St. Francis of Assisi penned these words as a prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, 
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.


There is a reason St. Francis penned this as a prayer, requesting that these things would be so: because this is a bunch of ridiculously hard stuff.

Ideally, it would be awesome if any of us could say these things are true of ourselves. I believe these are qualities that Christ can write onto our hearts, and I know individuals whom I believe demonstrate these actions.

It's much easier said than done.

Sectumsempra.

I saw the preview today for the final Harry Potter flick.

Oh. My. Word. I am so excited I could barely make it through the trailer without squealing.

I noticed something about Harry Potter a few days ago. I'm listening through the audiobooks before watching the last movie, just to get myself totally caught up.

(The following is a brief story from HP. If you don't like or want to read it, you can skip down to the point.)

In the fifth book, Harry sees a memory of Professor Snape's that recounts a time in which Harry's father picked on Snape for no reason, resulting in a row between Snape and James Potter. During this confrontation, Snape uses a spell on James (we're not given the name of it) that causes a gash to appear on his cheek. This curse, "Sectumsempra," appears in the next book, although if you weren't paying very close attention to the story I just mentioned, you wouldn't realize it was the same spell. Actually, if you caught it the first time, you would know that Professor Snape is, in fact, the Half-Blood Prince, a piece of information that's actually rather important.

J.K. Rowling uses a ton of these type of situations, foreshadowing, very sneakily, storylines yet to come. However, if you aren't extremely observant or don't remember seemingly insignificant details, you wouldn't see connections in the story until reading the books again (and maybe again and again, like I have).

(Here is the point:)

I use this random anecdote to illustrate a point: when we are flitting about our daily lives, doing those things we need to do and make time for, we don't see little things. We (or at least I) don't know the effect particular relationships truly have on us, or the utter dependence we have on places, or people, or things. It's easy to miss these things because we don't have the full story. The same may also be said for situations we don't understand. In my own life, I am referring to my unexpectedly short term as a worship pastor at my former church.

I have said more than once recently that I am tired of hearing statements (that I know are meant to help lift me up) like, "God didn't want you there," or, "This just means there was a better place for you to be," or, "God has a bigger plan." None of these statements is inherently incorrect, or negative in nature. They are meant to remind me that this is not "the end." I understand the purpose. But hearing this same thing over and over is eventually more frustrating than helpful.

Maybe that's only because I don't know the whole story.

Maybe in 10 years I will look back on this time and smile, realizing how it directed the rest of my life at this time.

Maybe I'll never know why.

However, I think it is more likely, seeing as how God often seems to work, that He is using little things I can't see to write my story, even though I don't know why or how yet.

Maybe the reason I feel so frustrated hearing these encouraging statements over and over is because I'm afraid of what else God might ask me to do in the future. If this experience, difficult and demanding and intimidating as it was, wasn't "it," what else could possibly be in store?

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

A New Day.

"It's a new day,
Oh, it's a new time and there's a
New way
I'm gonna live my life,
Oh, the old has passed away
And the new has come
Thank God, it's a brand new day!"

I love this song by Avalon. The music reflects the positive, upbeat message of the lyrics, not to mention it's got a fantastically fun female lead part to sing (for example, when alone in the car, using my cell phone as a makeshift microphone).

The theme of the song is (obviously) the transformational change made when a non-believer accepts Christ.

I feel like it can also apply to a lot of other situations in life - for instance, the transition from something comforting and familiar. Singing this in truth requires (at least at this point in my journey) the gumption to say that I will rejoice in change and growth and newness. This isn't easy for someone who doesn't like change. I'm not exactly addicted to a schedule, and I like a certain change of pace, but I rely on the familiar to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I tend to feel overwhelmed.

But I decide how I'm going to feel. I'm not letting other people decide for me.

So, I'm going on a hot date tonight with my fantastic husband, who has been a rock these past weeks during my emotional turmoil, never pushing me to "feel better" simply because he wants me to, or forcing me to do anything I didn't want. We're going to the walking bridge in downtown Nashville after a nice dinner, and I hope to get some pictures.

Thank God every day is a brand new day.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

- Lamentations 3:21-26

Depression.

Wow. Way to start a cheerful post.

I haven't written for awhile. I realized that I only write here when I'm feeling down... I think that will change. I want to be able to look back and see good things in my life as well as the bad.

However, that day is not today. Today I am sad. And I'm very tired of being sad.

A very dear friend of mine lied to me recently. Although I am sure this happens much more often than I am aware, it hurt. A lot. I've been hurt by my closest friends before (we probably all have), and it always seems to revolve around the same issue. Unfortunately, this puts me in a bad place as far as future friends are concerned - when I get hurt, and it relates to the same type of situation, I react rather badly. I tend to retreat into myself and lash out should anyone attempt to bring up the subject.

Also unfortunately, a week after I found out I'd been lied to, I got even worse news: the church at which I've been serving for four months decided not to continue my ministry contract with them any longer. This came as a distinct shock, as I was not expecting anything of the sort. I don't know all the specifics as of yet, but I know I didn't "do anything wrong," the termination of my contract had more to do with poor relationships and communication. At least that's what I know for now.

I feel so broken.

You know, I think the reason I've never shared this blog with more than a few people before is because I'm so afraid that someone will know I'm sad and think badly of me. Like I mentioned before, I tend to write when I'm feeling down. As that is now changing, I think it is safe to be honest and a bit vulnerable about my feelings for the moment. And if you have a problem with my sadness... I suppose you should just stop reading.

I struggle quite a deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. This is due, in part, to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child by someone I trusted. It's also probably due to my similarity to my father, who, one of the people I respect most in the world, has dealt with the same insecurity issues much of his life (although, I would like to point out, my dad is pretty much the most awesome person in the world and has no reason for insecurity). Whatever the reasons, or excuses, or whatever you want to call them, I have a hard time ever thinking I'm good enough.

I worked for about 3 years at a company called SmileMakers in South Carolina (before transferring to Trevecca). I excelled there in a way I didn't know was possible. It was my first "real" job, and I quickly gained the attention and respect of my superiors. After a promotion, I was able to serve as the department trainer for several months, a job I both loved and enjoyed. Although I rarely made mistakes (there are some benefits to being obsessive-compulsive about one's job), anytime my boss called me to her office, my immediate thought was that I was in trouble, possibly getting fired. I never did anything to warrant this, nor was her reason for meeting with me rarely, if ever, to even reprimand me, my insecurity kicked in at those moments and caused my heart to race and my palms to get sweaty. I never shared this fact with anyone, even my husband, Josh, for I thought they would think I was insane.

After beginning my term at a church that interviewed and hired me this past March, I determined that I would not allow myself to live like that again. It was a frustrating and stressful way to work, especially as it was rather pointless, seeing as I was an excellent employee and planned on continuing as such.

Apparently, paranoia does have some basis in reality.

I have many fears now for what happens when I enter into my next church assignment. Knowing myself, I am aware that it will take quite a bit of  prayer and encouragement to handle the inner battle that will undoubtedly rage between my paranoia and peace. Will I be able to fully commit myself to another ministry position, or am I destined to constantly fear rejection and again being uprooted from where I plant myself?

The "Jesus" side of me knows that is a silly question, given I get to choose the answer - it is up to me whether or not I fully commit myself to my calling, and no one else. However, the human side of me desperately wishes to cling to my fear and self-doubt. As ridiculous as this may seem, I feel it might have something to do with security. Should I again be rejected and tossed aside, at least I will have expected it this time. Perhaps it will mean I am more prepared.

Sigh.


This has been an extremely stressful and difficult couple of weeks. I hope it gets better soon.

I think the hardest part is that I have the ability to let it get better. I'm just not sure if I have the strength or willpower to seek after that peace. Right now... I just want to sleep.

I made it...

There's a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir called "I Made It."

Some of the lyrics are:

I've been through many hard trials,
I couldn't explain it, no, I didn't know why,
why I had to go through so much pain;
but praise the Lord, today there is healing in His name.

I made it, so thankful,
I never could have made it this far without the Lord.
Through sorrow (He was my comfort and all my strength).
Through heartache (Jesus healed all of my sins).
Depression (now I can sing).


I think it's important to point out that even though the title of the song is "I Made It," the point is not to say that I have arrived (I never could have made it this far without the Lord). I did make it through Thanksgiving. It was really difficult, and I still cry a lot. But God is moving me through, one step at a time.

My pastor, Lindell Cooley, did a sermon last week on thankfulness. He made an amazing illustration about unthankfulness - if there is a huge sheet of white paper on a wall, and there is a black dot in the middle of it, you will focus on the black dot, not the rest of the white. If the black dot is the crappy stuff going on in your life, the white stuff is all the things you should be thankful for. We should learn to focus on the white paper, not the black dot.

It's just so hard when the black dot discolors everything else in your life.

But I'm working on it.

Love hurts. I wish it wasn't so complicated.