This is the start of something amazing...
A moment when heaven touches earth.
Here in our hearts, Lord, we are waiting
For something that's far beyond what we have seen or heard.
// "The Ascension," by Phil Wickham
How timely that this song blares through my headphones at the moment I start to write today?
Timely, because today is obviously the start (and continuation) of something amazing.
Why? I have no idea.
Allow me to start from the beginning.
12 years ago, at the age of 14, God called me to full-time ministry. I wish I could explain it... That feeling, deep down, that you know part of how you are supposed to walk forward in life.
Okay, honestly, I was terrified at the time. And a little angry. And maybe annoyed. Maybe the first thing I told my dad (a full-time pastor as long as I've been alive) as he prayed for me that night was that I wanted God to use me in a way that I had to be smart to do. Pastors don't have to be smart, like surgeons or astronauts or chemists.
I can only imagine what went through his head at that moment. I assume it was a mixture of eye-rolling, possibly a little bit of hurt, and probably a lot of chagrin as he reflected on how difficult he knew ministry to be. His daughter, the little firecracker who knew she could do anything, had realized that she was facing a life similar to his... and she had no idea what that future would look like.
That night, I bet my dad interceded for me in prayer when we parted ways to head back to the camp cabins. I would be surprised if he hadn't, at least for a brief second, hoped that it was just a phase or an emotional moment. Knowing the serious business that ministry can be, he may have even asked for my reprieve... for a new call to something safer, something more stable.
Something that didn't involve the heaviness of responsibility that he had lived with for over 20 years by that time.
But he knew better. When I was very young, a wise person had told my parents that God would call me away from them later in life, sometimes to places very far away for a long time. They were prepared. They knew what that meant, even then.
Fast forward. The quick, in-between parts of this story include a confusing decision to go into youth ministry, even though I have never quite gotten along with teenagers (even when I was one of them myself). After all, I didn't want to be a senior pastor. Children's pastor was out - little kids made me cringe and shudder. In my overwhelmingly limited mind, those were the three options.
I began college as a theology major. Hey, I may not have to be a genius to pastor teenagers, but I can learn new languages and impress people with my vast knowledge of biblical context and theories about the Trinity and interpretations of Revelation, right?
Writing this all down, I have to laugh. It's so comical at this point to look back and see how ignorant I was... And to remember how confident I was in my ignorance.
Hmm... What next?
I hated my freshman year of college. It was a time wrought with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and desperate attempts not to drown under a growing workload I couldn't motivate myself to complete. The only redemptive factor was that I met the man who would become my husband a year and a half later. (But that's a whole other story... A really good one!)
A professor told me I wasn't called to ministry.
I changed my major to psychology and turned my back on something I obviously wasn't good enough to do.
I sang background vocals at my school's spring revival and had the best time of my life. There was something there... Something new.
I moved home and transferred schools.
And then, because God is good and He is so kind, my dad's church was suddenly in need of a worship leader very soon after I moved. I had expressed my desire to start learning... and so I did.
It was, quite possibly, the most difficult thing I've ever done. I battled insecurities and feeling inadequate, and worked with some people who were barely committed or just generally flaky... But I learned more in that three-year period than I ever thought possible.
And, oh boy, it was about to get even crazier.
In 2009, we moved to Nashville so that I could complete my degree with a Bachelor's in Worship Arts. Again, to shorten the story, three years of intense learning and crazy experiences ensued. I traveled for a year with a Music Ministry team for the school, led in chapels, filled in at a few churches, and even held a worship pastor position at a church in Tennessee (for four months before it ended in a heaping stack of burning wreckage). I graduated from Trevecca Nazarene University over two years ago, and have since been experiencing the most tumultuous time of my life. Which is silly, because I thought my life was insane before!
I was delivered on October 14, 2012 from some intense spiritual oppression that had been a major issue in my life for some time. Then, in the start of 2013, out of nowhere, every opportunity I had to lead worship just disappeared.
Was swept away.
With no explanation.
For seven months, I didn't lead worship. Let me tell you, I didn't handle it well! I forgot how to spend time alone with Jesus in that intimate place of worship we should be living in consistently. I let anger and frustration get the best of me.
Finally, excruciatingly, I got a chance to co-lead with one of my best friends at a service out of town.
It was painful, and hard, and I had a breakdown at the end of our rehearsal because I was so out of practice and unprepared. Then, God did an amazing thing during the service - He showed up!
I ended the night on the platform with just one other member of the team. It was incredible! But my battle wasn't over.
Slowly, God changed the way I see my calling. He totally adjusted my feelings about how my calling had become my identity. He showed me that there were so many other things He had gifted me with the ability to do that I could not continue to put myself in a box. He used bad communication with people and some of the most maddening experiences of my life to show me who I truly am in Him.
This year has been even more transformative. Slowly but surely, God places opportunities in my path. Some go 'better' than others, some are more what I prefer while some are a stretch for me, and all of them came from a place where God did all the 'promoting.' I didn't have to 'get my name out there.' My chances to glorify God with these gifts has not been through anything I have or could have done. (By the way - that's the best route to take. Trust me.)
Which brings me to today.
Over the last 7 days, God has been showing me specifics of what I should and should not be doing to prepare for the calling He has placed on my life. It's very practical stuff, mostly about discipline and humility. Honestly, it was so much at once (especially since, for so long, I felt like He was almost silent about that part of my life) that it freaked me out a little.
Then, yesterday morning, I was asked to sing a song after one of our services. I haven't led worship on a Sunday morning at my home church in almost two years. If you have been around me during that time, you know that it's a big deal. Not because I want a platform, but because I love my church and am desperate to serve any way I can... And worship leading is a massive part of what God has been leading me to do. Capture Hope is also a big part of this, but that's a post for another day.
Today, in the midst of a mountain of work to finish and knowing that it makes zero sense, I knew I needed to write this all down. Someone, somewhere, needs to know that God calls you to be a part of something bigger than him or herself.
I created this a few weeks ago for my church's Facebook and Twitter accounts.
I do not know the completed answer to this question in my own life. What I do know is that, at this moment, there is something big. I am waiting on something that I'll only recognize after I see it. Whatever it is, I'm not confused.
You see, I know who I am. And I am not defined by my calling. I am defined as a child of God, committed, submitted, and totally in love with Him, wherever He may take me.
The reason I'm alive is to glorify God. Regardless of what He wants to do in and with me, regardless of where He takes me or whether or not I ever get anything that I want in my own self - He is my purpose. Just Him. He is my reason.
And whatever I'm waiting on... It's just a gift from Him. The next gift in an endless series of good gifts He offers us, if we are only willing to receive them. And I can't wait to see what He has in store.
We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won't be satisfied at all
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You!
Open up the sky, fall down like fire
We don't want anything but You
// Open Up the Sky, by Deluge
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