I'm just not good enough.

Can I be honest for a moment?

I am really sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I'm sick of my employer(s) treating me that way. I'm sick of the enemy trying to convince me it's true every time I don't perform exactly perfectly. But mostly, I'm sick of allowing what other people say (or sometimes more damagingly, don't say) determine whether or not I think I'm good enough.

I am a worship leader. That is something God has done in me - it's not just a career path or a degree I hold. Years ago, God created this calling within me, and I have been trying ever since to do the right things to stay on that road. I left my parents and brother to move to Nashville so that I could finish my bachelor's degree with a major in Worship Arts. My life has revolved around chasing after this calling.

And then, four years ago, God put me and Josh at a church with the opposite problem that most churches deal with - our church has an overabundance of worship leaders, and there's no way for everyone in the congregation designated as such to serve all the time.

Oh, and here's the best part - He's keeping me there.

For years, I've battled inner turmoil, trying to convince myself that I'm a good, capable worship leader, even when my opportunities were slim or non-existent to lead worship. I've had some great experiences and opportunities, but they were interwoven into many more church services where I sat in the congregation. Last fall, I was asked to coordinate the people running media at our church on Sundays, which has given me a chance to be close to the 'action,' but still not in the way my heart wants.

Last year was the pinnacle of my frustration. At one point, I allowed myself to get so angry about being 'ignored' that God convicted me and I had to send several messages to close friends, apologizing for blaming other people and complaining about my situation. Talk about humbling - the basis of my argument in the whole situation had always been that I, Rebekah, was in the right, and everyone else was either disorganized or simply didn't care about me. In a day, I was basically forced to admit that the problem only lay within me.

And the problem wasn't ever that I was a 'bad' worship leader.

The problem was that, after years of consistent opportunities, churches telling me to contact them after graduation for a job leading worship, leading at our young adults gatherings at church, and feeling like I knew what was going on, I suddenly lost all my outlets for leading worship in a group. So, instead of spending time with Jesus on my own, drawing nearer to Him without the necessity of an audience or a microphone, I decided that other people had seen that I wasn't good enough and chose to be mad about it.

But people shouldn't determine the truth of what I know God has said. Someone's words (or lack thereof) should never change my passion for worshipping Jesus, whether it's in front of thousands or in my own living room.

Therein lies the solution: like my amazing pastor, Lindell Cooley, said just a few weeks ago. I sum it up here:

Don't let your emotions tell you what to do. You need to talk to yourself and tell yourself how to feel. Emotions are fleeting - truth is unchanging.

So what did I do? First, I surrendered to God and told Him that it was never going to be 'my' ministry in the first place, so if He wanted me to be the most passionate worshipper sitting in the second row of the congregation, that's what I'd do.

And wouldn't you know - within a week of truly surrendering that desire, I got one of the things I'd been waiting for so long: affirmation from one of my pastors that I was a capable worship leader. However, God knew better than to give it to me before I was fully ready to accept wherever He put me.

The next thing I did was to start spending time with Jesus regularly. I still have to work hard on discipline, because it's easy to get busy and watch time just pass by, but my heart is so much more happy on those days where I take time to spend time in His presence.

The last thing I have done was to start thanking Jesus for the opportunities I have had when my brain starts telling me that I'm inadequate and people don't want me to lead worship. Just last night, the enemy pretty much just told me that I'm a "Holy Spirit buzzkill." The lie was something along the lines of, 'any time you get on a platform, the Holy Spirit doesn't really move.... it might be an okay time of worship, but you stop the Holy Spirit from truly transforming people when you're around.'

Well, that's silly. I started reminding my atmosphere of all the times God has worked through me and thanking Him for those moments. And I woke up this morning feeling as if I could conquer the world!

If you've taken the time to read this post, bravo! And thank you. My overall thought would be to leave you with this...

People can't tell you that you are unworthy. God calls you worthy. He calls you beautiful. He calls you to live in His glorious light. Don't let a person's words define your identity - only what God says about you.

Peace.
-R

Stronger than what I can carry.

I wrote a song yesterday.

With all the beauty of this weekend (a great photo shoot on Saturday, silhouetted by a ridiculously gorgeous sunset), my creative juices seemed to be flowing. I don't write a lot, but when I do, it's generally an emotional and spiritual experience.

The first part of the song I came up with is this bridge:

Your love is better than all I could ever want
Your love is stronger than all I could ever carry

It hit me after I sang out that second line what a miraculous reality that is.

I can't carry being unemployed. It's scary and makes me feel like a failure.
I can't carry the pain of the difficulties my body has conceiving children. I believe God has said we will conceive, but that doesn't make this waiting game any less horrible.
I can't carry the load of being entrusted with the deep stories of an individual, knowing they have trusted me to share it in a way that is respectful and meaningful.

And yet, though all of these burdens are more than I should be able to bear, the love of my Father carries them for me. He has not allowed me to hold onto them by myself.

If you are holding onto something too much for you today, know that God has promised to be the one carrying that load. Even when it seems impossible - no, especially when it seems impossible, He is right there to be your strength.

Look at this sunset. Keep your chin up. And rely on Him to be the One keeping you strong.

Too Much To Do.

A few weeks ago, a man at church made a comment to me that blew me away.

After explaining to him that Josh and I were simply too busy and had too much to do to add anything else, he said, "You're not supposed to be that busy before you have kids."

I don't know if that's true. I'm not sure how to determine that. I DO know, however, that I have done a poor job of learning how to rest and enjoy time with others. It feels as if there is always something on my mind that I should be working on, writing, photographing, editing, reconciling... you name it, I'm sure it's on my "to-do" list.

This Thanksgiving holiday, I chose to take some time to rest. We are visiting my in-laws in Ohio, and I have read almost half of one book on my Nook, slept in the last two days, and Pinterest-ed until my eyes were tired. Oh, and reclaimed my love for Geometry Wars on the Xbox.

Have I "accomplished" anything? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing is for sure: Jesus Himself said that we need rest. So I'm taking it, and I won't feel guilty. I'm so thankful that He gave us that reminder.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Heaviness and Hope.

I have a project on which I'm working, launching Spring 2014, called "Capture Hope."

[I get that this blog is titled "Capturing Hope." This is my personal storytelling of sorts, while "Capture Hope" will consist of other people's stories.]

I'll tell the story of it later, but first I want to share a small part of the first interview I conducted for the project.

I listened to my friend recount her life story - literally, from before birth until now. And it was one of the most devastating, horrifying stories of child abuse I have ever heard. I don't know that I've ever known someone (or been aware of it) that spent the first 18 years of her life being systematically tortured and abused by the people who brought her into the world - the people who are supposed to care the most. It all happened within less than a mile from where we sat to have dinner.

This is why stories are important.

People can relate to details. They can relate to the pieces of the story so rich in color that it's not hard to close your eyes and see it, taste it, smell it for yourself. And when they are in the story with you, it's much easier for them to understand and sympathize with your cause, or your heart, or your passions.

In 16 hours, I heard that story and two other brief retellings of completely unrelated instances of domestic violence that also ripped apart families. My heart is so heavy with sadness for the children, the innocents in these stories. Children, and their innocence, are one of the most beautiful and pure parts of life... To destroy that innocence and rip away a childhood is abhorrent, even evil.

But it is today that I can gladly announce to you all that, regardless of current circumstances, there is always hope!

God works all things together for our good. I do not necessarily believe that "all things happen for a reason." If all things happened for a reason, that indicates God is the one always making them happen, which points to a very vicious and vindictive deity. However, He does promise that He works all things together for good to those who love Him. Violence, evil, and hatred exist because of the presence of sin in our world. The beautiful part about that is that when we hand it all over to Christ and tell Him to take control, He uses all the dirty, dark, and sad stories for a holy purpose.

The friend I interviewed last night now operates an organization to spread awareness about child abuse and give children opportunities and tools to report abuse and be helped. Throughout her story, the one theme that continued to recur was, "Everyone knew, and no one said a word." Today, she makes sure that people talk about it, and that children are given everything they need to stop the cycles of violence from which no one rescued her.

It was a scary story - but it has a happy ending. We serve a God who loves us SO much that He endured the very worst suffering, the most terrible of fates, all for us to have an opportunity for life abundantly. If you're feeling alone, or perhaps that no one understands, remember that there is always One Who knows every ounce of sorrow, Who feels every drop of pain, and Who is with you in the darkest night. And He shines as bright as day.

- R

Transformation.

There are a lot of things in this world that point to God.

Between nature, love, beauty, healing, miracles, and everything else we see on a daily basis, it's actually quite astonishing to me that there are still a huge majority of people who don't see that God exists.

But there is something else, beyond any miraculous signs and wonders or a breathtaking sunrise, that reminds me, even in the most frustrating of times, that God exists and changes people's lives.

Twice this past Thursday night, while spending time in Bible study and then at dinner afterwards, I saw in two great men of God (both of whom are dear friends) a spectacular beauty that far outstripped that of the sunrise I saw earlier that morning.

The first time, my friend Thomas was sharing about his brother and his utter devotion to Christ. The thought of it brought him to tears, and as his voice shook to recall the passionate love his brother has for his Savior, a memory came to mind of Thomas sharing the kind of person he used to be. From what I could remember, he was the type of guy who didn't really care much about other people... especially not based on their love for the Lord. And yet, the Thomas I know is one of the most firey, devout, and disciplined followers of Christ I know.

After Bible study, some friends treated Josh, myself, and Thomas and his wife to dinner, to celebrate Josh and Thomas' birthdays. At one point, Derek, one of the leaders of our group, shared a little bit about his past. This time, I was the one getting a bit teary-eyed. Knowing Derek, it's hard to imagine someone who isn't constantly looking for areas in which to serve God, or someone who flirts with the law for fun.

See, when it's all put side-by-side, the most convincing proof I have ever witnessed of the existence of the God I serve is the supernatural transformation of selfish, sinful people. I count myself in that group, and there is no way I could ever find redemption outside of Jesus Christ.

If the love of Christ can turn drug addicts to worshippers, prostitutes to beautiful brides, and hateful jerks to loving gentlemen, how could I ever doubt He exists?

Pure Religion.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 
- James 1:27 KJV

Tonight, I was given the pleasure of singing for a young adult service at GoodNaz called 702. I've participated in leading worship there before, and although it's not my home church, I greatly enjoy working with my friend Greg (who is the worship leader for 702) and chatting with Pastor Daryl (the lead pastor at GoodNaz).

This particular evening was different than the typical 702 service. Instead of a few songs and a message, we had a few songs, read a scripture passage, and then went out to visit a widow.

Yep. A widow.

My first thought was how unusual this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

My second thought was how awesome this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

So, we all drove in a little caravan to visit Shirley, a 75-year-old congregant at GoodNaz who recently lost her husband of 57 years. As we sat in her living room, asking questions about losing her husband and about their relationship that had lasted for so long, I was overwhelmed by how meaningful this action was.

How often do we actually take the time to care for the widows and orphans?

Pastor Daryl asked us as we sat there why we thought widows and orphans were singled out in the Word as those for whom we should care, and why this particular action was considered "pure religion."

At that point, it occurred to me that it was quite possible the reason for this is that, by definition, widows and orphans don't have the support structure surrounding them that the rest of us may. Yes, we may have parents that drive us crazy or a husband that forgets things like it's his job (and I say that with a smile, don't worry), but there is still a support around us. But Shirley said the hardest parts of losing her husband were just missing him in general, and then having to be alone so much. 

How difficult would it be for me to connect with some older widows in my church, and offer to come around once in a while to read to them? To do their dishes? To reminisce? To gain wisdom? To fix their computer? 

One thing is for sure - the verse in James 1 is rather clear. There's not much to misconstrue or twist to fit an agenda. It's just simple - take care of the widows and orphans, and don't be defiled by the world.

It seems to me that the two go hand in hand - taking care of those who need it goes directly against the selfish lifestyles that many of us (yes, even those who call ourselves Christians) tend to lead, in our flesh.

It means nothing if we just sit around talking about it. Let's take some action.

In the middle.

I visited some old friends today.

My last full-time job, at a place called SmileMakers, was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I made forever friends there, including a boss whose number will probably always be on my speed dial.

I go back to visit as often as I can (which isn't much), and was pleasantly surprised to see the new renovations on the building. It looks completely different, a fantastic modern office that was obviously very wisely designed.

I was almost in tears to see the place. I remember working there when everyone was cramped into tiny little spaces and storage was basically unheard of. Seeing the updates made me so happy for all my friends who still work there, and I was thrilled to know they now had the space and comfort they deserved all along.

As different as the renovations make the building look, the basics are the same. Everything is relatively similar to the way it was before, at least as far as operations are concerned. I'm sure the specifics are much different, but not from the surface.

Every time I visit home, I am reminded of when my life felt less hectic. Yes, work was often crazy and there weren't a lot of 'slow' days, but when I left work, I left work (for real). I spent most evenings with my parents and husband, and went to church two or three times a week. I desperately missed that for the two hours I visited my old job today. I actually remember feeling, after I suddenly lost my position as worship pastor at Estill Springs last year, that I would have given anything to just move into my parents' house and beg my old boss for a job again. That only lasted a few weeks, but the simplicity of it is something I catch myself craving on a semi-regular basis.

Now, between two jobs, a small photography business, school, church, our young adult group, and the other various things in which I am involved, I barely get home before 10 PM on any night. On top of that, we live a minimum of 25 minutes away from everything, including work, school, church, and all our friends. My life feels so hectic, and I am ready to have a few less things to do. In addition to that, I'm still trying to raise money for a school trip to Asia in May, right after graduation.

I've felt for several months like I'm just in the middle of things. I'm neither here nor there - not quite a graduate, but not a full-time student... not a full-time employee, but not satisfied working part-time... not a main worship leader anywhere, but one of many in the various places I call spiritual homes. I am a practical person, and I don't like feeling so in the middle - I want to feel stable. I'm going home in two days, and walking right back into all of that.

However, I was reminded yesterday of one of my favorite passages of Scripture. It's the one I lean on when I start to feel overwhelmed, and thinking about it right now is starting to make my eyes water.

It is so magnificent to know that when my life feels so inconsistent, my Savior never is. When my heart feels so torn in two because I want to be in two places at once, my Jesus knows exactly what is best for me and where He wants me. When my soul yearns for simplicity, my Lord provides a time of rest.

I'm so blessed by the people in my life. I'm so blessed by my family. I'm so blessed by all the things God has put right in front of me. So...

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope: It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness! The Lord is my portion, saith my soul, therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him."
- Lamentations 3:21-25