So Blessed.

I never thought a trip out of the country could make me resent America and adore it so much, all at one time.

Last month, I spent 17 days in China. If you were born yesterday or live under a rock - China is a communist country in Asia with the largest population of any country in the world. As a communist country, China imposes many regulations on religion and the personal lives of its citizens. Many of these were put in place, at least in part, in response to the booming population. These laws include the one-child law that says that women in China (with the exception of those in minority groups) may only bear one child.

In addition to the laws in a country much different from mine, I was culture shocked by vastly different food, cultural habits, and a language barrier that is, at times, only a nuisance, while at other times, it creates a virtual impossibility when trying to accomplish anything.

After two weeks, here are some of the things I realized:

• I love real Chinese food. Not the imitation nonsense they sell in the States, but honest-to-goodness Chinese food. It is tastier and, in many ways, healthier than the typical American diet. (I lost 8 pounds!)
• I have always underestimated my ability to walk long distances. We calculated a rough estimate of the miles we'd walked together over the 17 days - we came up with somewhere around 50 miles. (I only lost 8 pounds?!)
• The fact that I, as an American citizen, can walk into any church in the United States of America without having to show ID or fear any type of retribution is a blessing that literally billions of people may never, EVER experience. To take that for granted is a bit of a slap in the face to... well, lots of people, and God. (Guilty!)
• I adore American standards of hygiene. Like, a lot.
• Adoption is one of the most awesome things in the world. Ever.
• My life is superbly awesome. In basically every way. And that, too, is a breathtakingly rare blessing.

And now, let the earth resound with praise

For our Savior, God, He reigns

He is high and lifted up

Arise, for the King of Glory waits

He is coming back again,
He is coming back again!

Transformation.

There are a lot of things in this world that point to God.

Between nature, love, beauty, healing, miracles, and everything else we see on a daily basis, it's actually quite astonishing to me that there are still a huge majority of people who don't see that God exists.

But there is something else, beyond any miraculous signs and wonders or a breathtaking sunrise, that reminds me, even in the most frustrating of times, that God exists and changes people's lives.

Twice this past Thursday night, while spending time in Bible study and then at dinner afterwards, I saw in two great men of God (both of whom are dear friends) a spectacular beauty that far outstripped that of the sunrise I saw earlier that morning.

The first time, my friend Thomas was sharing about his brother and his utter devotion to Christ. The thought of it brought him to tears, and as his voice shook to recall the passionate love his brother has for his Savior, a memory came to mind of Thomas sharing the kind of person he used to be. From what I could remember, he was the type of guy who didn't really care much about other people... especially not based on their love for the Lord. And yet, the Thomas I know is one of the most firey, devout, and disciplined followers of Christ I know.

After Bible study, some friends treated Josh, myself, and Thomas and his wife to dinner, to celebrate Josh and Thomas' birthdays. At one point, Derek, one of the leaders of our group, shared a little bit about his past. This time, I was the one getting a bit teary-eyed. Knowing Derek, it's hard to imagine someone who isn't constantly looking for areas in which to serve God, or someone who flirts with the law for fun.

See, when it's all put side-by-side, the most convincing proof I have ever witnessed of the existence of the God I serve is the supernatural transformation of selfish, sinful people. I count myself in that group, and there is no way I could ever find redemption outside of Jesus Christ.

If the love of Christ can turn drug addicts to worshippers, prostitutes to beautiful brides, and hateful jerks to loving gentlemen, how could I ever doubt He exists?

Pure Religion.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 
- James 1:27 KJV

Tonight, I was given the pleasure of singing for a young adult service at GoodNaz called 702. I've participated in leading worship there before, and although it's not my home church, I greatly enjoy working with my friend Greg (who is the worship leader for 702) and chatting with Pastor Daryl (the lead pastor at GoodNaz).

This particular evening was different than the typical 702 service. Instead of a few songs and a message, we had a few songs, read a scripture passage, and then went out to visit a widow.

Yep. A widow.

My first thought was how unusual this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

My second thought was how awesome this was as a way to spend a young adult service.

So, we all drove in a little caravan to visit Shirley, a 75-year-old congregant at GoodNaz who recently lost her husband of 57 years. As we sat in her living room, asking questions about losing her husband and about their relationship that had lasted for so long, I was overwhelmed by how meaningful this action was.

How often do we actually take the time to care for the widows and orphans?

Pastor Daryl asked us as we sat there why we thought widows and orphans were singled out in the Word as those for whom we should care, and why this particular action was considered "pure religion."

At that point, it occurred to me that it was quite possible the reason for this is that, by definition, widows and orphans don't have the support structure surrounding them that the rest of us may. Yes, we may have parents that drive us crazy or a husband that forgets things like it's his job (and I say that with a smile, don't worry), but there is still a support around us. But Shirley said the hardest parts of losing her husband were just missing him in general, and then having to be alone so much. 

How difficult would it be for me to connect with some older widows in my church, and offer to come around once in a while to read to them? To do their dishes? To reminisce? To gain wisdom? To fix their computer? 

One thing is for sure - the verse in James 1 is rather clear. There's not much to misconstrue or twist to fit an agenda. It's just simple - take care of the widows and orphans, and don't be defiled by the world.

It seems to me that the two go hand in hand - taking care of those who need it goes directly against the selfish lifestyles that many of us (yes, even those who call ourselves Christians) tend to lead, in our flesh.

It means nothing if we just sit around talking about it. Let's take some action.

In the middle.

I visited some old friends today.

My last full-time job, at a place called SmileMakers, was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I made forever friends there, including a boss whose number will probably always be on my speed dial.

I go back to visit as often as I can (which isn't much), and was pleasantly surprised to see the new renovations on the building. It looks completely different, a fantastic modern office that was obviously very wisely designed.

I was almost in tears to see the place. I remember working there when everyone was cramped into tiny little spaces and storage was basically unheard of. Seeing the updates made me so happy for all my friends who still work there, and I was thrilled to know they now had the space and comfort they deserved all along.

As different as the renovations make the building look, the basics are the same. Everything is relatively similar to the way it was before, at least as far as operations are concerned. I'm sure the specifics are much different, but not from the surface.

Every time I visit home, I am reminded of when my life felt less hectic. Yes, work was often crazy and there weren't a lot of 'slow' days, but when I left work, I left work (for real). I spent most evenings with my parents and husband, and went to church two or three times a week. I desperately missed that for the two hours I visited my old job today. I actually remember feeling, after I suddenly lost my position as worship pastor at Estill Springs last year, that I would have given anything to just move into my parents' house and beg my old boss for a job again. That only lasted a few weeks, but the simplicity of it is something I catch myself craving on a semi-regular basis.

Now, between two jobs, a small photography business, school, church, our young adult group, and the other various things in which I am involved, I barely get home before 10 PM on any night. On top of that, we live a minimum of 25 minutes away from everything, including work, school, church, and all our friends. My life feels so hectic, and I am ready to have a few less things to do. In addition to that, I'm still trying to raise money for a school trip to Asia in May, right after graduation.

I've felt for several months like I'm just in the middle of things. I'm neither here nor there - not quite a graduate, but not a full-time student... not a full-time employee, but not satisfied working part-time... not a main worship leader anywhere, but one of many in the various places I call spiritual homes. I am a practical person, and I don't like feeling so in the middle - I want to feel stable. I'm going home in two days, and walking right back into all of that.

However, I was reminded yesterday of one of my favorite passages of Scripture. It's the one I lean on when I start to feel overwhelmed, and thinking about it right now is starting to make my eyes water.

It is so magnificent to know that when my life feels so inconsistent, my Savior never is. When my heart feels so torn in two because I want to be in two places at once, my Jesus knows exactly what is best for me and where He wants me. When my soul yearns for simplicity, my Lord provides a time of rest.

I'm so blessed by the people in my life. I'm so blessed by my family. I'm so blessed by all the things God has put right in front of me. So...

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope: It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness! The Lord is my portion, saith my soul, therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him."
- Lamentations 3:21-25

Balance.

I did a photo shoot today.

(If you're curious, the link to the album on Facebook is here.)

And below, you'll see what ended up being my favorite photo from the set:

I also had what was [hopefully] my last visit to the counselor I've been seeing at Trevecca.

One of the things my counselor said to me today was the great strides I've made in the area of learning balance.

(And here's why the photos and the counselor are related.)

After unexpectedly losing my first paid worship pastor position earlier this year, I sort of lost it. Regardless of whether or not it was reasonable or normal, that is simply what happened. One of the things I warred within internally was the disparity between what I know God has called me to do, and my utter revulsion with the thought of ever doing it again... which was one of the reasons I began seeing a counselor in the first place.

The two sides were this:

1. I feel like the basic idea I've heard growing up (not necessarily even from my parents, just from people in general) about a call to ministry is that when God makes it clear to you He wants you to serve in ministry, it means that is automatically supposed to be your full-time, lifetime career.

2. I knew, at that point, that the prospect of accepting a full-time worship ministry position, especially one that would require my family to move away from Nashville, was something I didn't even want to think about considering.

So how can I deal with the fact I don't want to do what it is I'm supposed to be doing?

Next, we come to the photo shoot.

Like I said, my favorite photo of the day is the one shown above. The best thing for me about it is the simplicity of it. Anna-Laura is wearing a simple shirt and scarf. Her hair is pulled back. The only thing behind her is a brick wall.

While reviewing the pictures, a good photographer/videographer friend of mine, whose opinion I greatly respect, said this:

"I like this one - it's really simple."

Simplicity is often the best way to come up with a fantastic picture; and, in life, simplicity is often the best way find balance.

Then I realized something simple... and it kind of rocked my world.

Are you ready for this?

When God calls you to something, it probably won't fit in the box you create for it.

Did you catch that?

I have found myself, so many times, utterly perplexed at the reasons God allows certain things to happen. I am disappointed, hurt, and even confused by things I see as negatives. However, I am beginning to see that the reason for much of that is my inability to understand that God is not me, and therefore doesn't live in my own little universe.

God revealed to me, over the course of several years, that He wanted me to be a worship leader. He gifted me musically and gave me a passion for the use of the arts in worship, and I plan on using those gifts and passions to their fullest potential.

But I am not limited to the role of "worship pastor."

A church does not need to pay my salary.

Does any of that mean I am forever closed to the idea of being employed, either part-time or as my only job, by a church body? No way.

Does that mean I have the freedom to seek employment and volunteer opportunities wherever God leads, not just the little segment of the world I try to force my "calling" into?

Yes. That is precisely what it means.

In fact, I am leading worship with a few friends of mine for the young adults service at my church on Sunday night.

The playlist for the set is here.

I'm very much looking forward to it... and I already can't wait to do it again.



[Look for my next post, coming soon: Freedom from Shame.]